i'll be more than okay.

what a glorious thought!

john 10:9-10 . . . I am the door. if anyone enters by me, he will be saved and will go in and out and find pasture. the thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.

HAVE LIFE, AND HAVE IT ABUNDANTLY!!

thank You Jesus!

such simple truth, but so life-altering, if we let it be.
His desire for me is not to "live the safest life ever." [haha...francis...]
but to have life, and have it ABUNDANTLY!
that includes pain, suffering, EXTREME joy, worth, risks, adventure, excitement, heartbreak, and healing. it's a roller-coaster, which HE has created. a brilliant design that i cannot fathom.

i'm awe struck.
i'm excited.
i'm in love with my Savior.

He's healing me, and giving me life once again.

in the Name of Jesus!

tonight, i've experienced two extremes. i had a dream, by God's grace, which awakened me at 5:28 am. after rejoicing, praying, a thankful heart, and a sense like none other that the room i'm in was filled with angels fighting a battle around me and winning, i fell back asleep. then, the Lord allowed another dream, waking me up at 6:35 am, shaking profusely and praying that in the name of Jesus, these demons have no place here. no place where my Jesus has already been victorious. no place where i'm looking to Him, claiming His Name!

so here i sit, wide awake. after texting my brother, finding out he still has all his fingers, and realizing the silliness in a cereal killer who plays uno as his ploy to chop his prey to pieces, i'm extremely aware of the spiritual, yet SO real, battle happening around me. it's been years since i've really experienced a dark force. satan's power tonight was evident. but what's more amazing is the power of Jesus' name. not only did i experience HIM in a new way, first. as soon as satan attempted to smother His glory, he has been banished, simply by the power of Jesus' name.

He is victorious.

as i woke up in awe of God's glory after my first dream, i could do nothing but rejoice. i prayed. i felt the peace that surpasses all understanding. i smiled. and i rested.

as i woke up terrified, shaking, and almost in tears, i again was in awe of God's glory. what a Name! in moments after claiming, "satan, in the name of Jesus, you have no place here!" i began singing, "God is my victory and He is here." again i experienced that peace, and i believe now, i may rest again.

power in the Name of Jesus
salvation in the Name of Jesus
freedom in the Name of Jesus
everything i need
protection in the Name of Jesus
deliverance in the Name of Jesus
healing in the Name of Jesus
everything i need is in that Name

--power in the Name, james avery simms

for the first time in my life.

"the more you focus on the supernatural, the more you focus on God Himself, the more you know Him, you realize how trivial everything else appears." -francis chan

1 peter 1:5-15 . . . for this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love. for if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they keep you from being ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. for whoever lacks these qualities is so nearsighted that he is blind, having forgotten that he was cleansed from his former sins. therefore, brothers, be all the more diligent to make your calling and election sure, for if you practice these qualities you will never fall. for in this way there will be richly provided for you an entrance into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Therefore I intend always to remind you of these qualities, though you know them and are established in the truth that you have. i think it right, as long as i am in this body, to stir you up by way of reminder, since I know that the putting off of my body will be soon, as our Lord Jesus Christ made clear to me. and i will make every effort so that after my departure you may be able at any time to recall these things.


make every effort

what do i try my hardest at?

these qualities are what keep us from being ineffective.

am i more focused on what i want to -do- than who i want to be?

"God is more concerned about changing you than changing your circumstances." -francis chan

"He wants to see His children with grace and peace multiplied on them. and that comes from knowing Him." -francis chan


for this very reason

what reason? go back in 1 peter.

because we have been GIVEN all these things!

"are you thinking in your mind, 'i get to change!" or, 'i have to change?'"

"God not only gives you this new desire to want righteousness, but He gives the power that enables you to achieve it." -francis chan

it starts with faith.



His divine nature has given me power!

bill faris

"I believe the genius of the Jesus People movement was the empowerment of everyday people to take the ministry of Jesus to everyday places - from school campuses to coffeehouses. From private homes to rock concerts. From streetcorners to city parks. "Jesus Freaks" were always looking for opportunities to take the gospel to the places and environments where the people of their generation lived their daily lives. The whole world was their mission field . . ."

learn from myself.

i've decided to go back and read the "book" i wrote almost two years ago. i want to see how my heart has changed. i want to see how my writing style has changed. and i want to be reminded of the truths the Lord used so vibrantly at that time in my life to call me to trust Him.

what a faithful God we serve. a God WELL WORTH serving.

Psalm 48:1 . . . Great is the Lord, and most worthy of praise.




"Multifaceted. Adj. Having many faces or aspects.
Is that a word you use or hear used to describe the Lord? Often? It should be.
I habitually find myself forgetting how comprehensive my God is. And He is.
It is so easy to place our loving God in a box, is it not? It’s so easy to give Him limitations based off of our limited minds."
-bdtb, chapter 1.


"Our relationships with the Lord are different . . . This doesn’t change who our God is, but only how we experience Him. You may have known him well, ever since your childhood fifty years ago. But I was saved as a child and I have only truly known Him and experienced a relationship with Him for the past 4-5 years.
He may be a Father to you, because yours isn’t around. He may be your best friend because you struggle socially. He could be someone whose existence you struggle to admit to at times. A relationship with Him could be a chore, or something your parents, friends, or spouse has pushed, or even forced upon you.
Does this change who He is? No. We each experience a different relationship with Him. We all see different sides of Him, different characteristics.
Once again, this is not to say our God changes.
Malachi 3:6 . . . “For I am the Lord, I do not change.”
Instead, He has the power to be a Father to the fatherless [Psalm 68:5], a closer Friend than a brother [Proverbs 18:24], and a righteous Judge [2 Timothy 4:8]. He is still God." "
-bdtb, chapter 1.


"Control says God can’t.
Expectations limit His power."
-bdtb, chapter 1.


"There is a vastness to our Savior which is to be taken a hold of. A mystery, a wonder, which we are to embrace."
-bdtb, chapter 1


"Letting go of the control you think you have over your life is what you’re doing when you accept Christ. When you “become a Christian” are you not giving your life over to Him? Does it not mean you are no longer your own?
Giving up control, unfortunately, as we well know, doesn’t just happen when we say that precious prayer. Instead, surrender to the Lord is a lifelong, difficult, every-moment-of-every-day process which we will struggle with until the day we see Jesus face to face.
That does not mean we should give up. This battle is one we must choose to fight. If we are to love the Father, embrace His multifacetness, and live a life of intimacy with Him, a heart that gives up control is necessary."
-bdtb, chapter 1

the coolest thing i've realized recently.

is this.

God is sovereign. He has a sovereign plan for my future.
but more than than.
HE HAD A SOVEREIGN PLAN FOR MY PAST.

every little, and not so little thing that has happened to me.
every person i have come in contact with in the past, almost 21 years.
every time i've gotten in the car.
every time i've gone to church.
every day i've woken up healthy.
every day i've woken up with a headache.

HE PLANNED IT.

He planned ever word. every motion. every action. every interaction.

He has used each and every moment of my my life for His own glory.

and -i- get to be a part of it.

it's simply a blessing.
simply a joy.
and not so simply changing my life. the way i view Him. the way i view myself.

HE IS USING ME FOR HIS GLORY.
and.
HE HAS USED ME FOR HIS GLORY.



"Beautiful Lord
Awesome and mighty
I'm captured by this love I see
Beautiful Lord
Tender and holy
Your mercy brings me to my knees
It's Your mercy that has made me free
Beautiful Lord." -leeland

the rainbow in my hands.

it's cold. quite brisk. the hot chocolate and watered-down-coffee combination in my cup makes me smile. there's something acoustic playing in the background. i feel the color in my hands. i'm alone. so alone. so content. close your eyes. can you see it?

it's a rainbow.

what inspires you? what makes you want to be who you're going to be?
who inspires you?

nobody told me i couldn't be what i want to be. except me.

sitting there in that spinning chair
fa la la's in my ear
it's not the challenge, it's the fear.

he wants to feel to bomb drop, the earth stop.

don't let the earth stop.
you, stop.

Jesus is creative.
He inspires me.


why do i think of so many different things that will get me where i want to be?
why can't i simply focus on where He has me. growing me. changing me. preparing me.
using me.

i spilled that drink all over myself.
i washed the rainbow down the drain.
i turned the heat on.

things change. so simply.







"we can build through this destruction." -gavin degraw
...feeling like a disaster.

uh-oh.

something big is on it's way.

hahaaa!

i'm going to repeat myself, AGAIN.

"and I find peace when I'm confused.
i find hope when i'm let down.
not in me.
but in You." -switchfoot

i've just got to say, being confused is the BEST place.
YOU are the peace that surpasses all understanding, MY PRINCE of peace.

philippians 1:9-10 . . . and it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve what is excellent, and so be pure and blameless for the day of Christ.


isaiah 61:1-2 . . . the Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is upon me, for the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor. He has sent me to comfort the brokenhearted and to proclaim that captives will be released and prisoners will be freed. He has sent me to tell those who mourn that the time of the Lord’s favor has come, and with it, the day of God’s anger against their enemies.


philippians 1:27 . . . above all, you must live as citizens of heaven, conducting yourselves in a manner worthy of the Good News about Christ. then, whether i come and see you again or only hear about you, i will know that you are standing together with one spirit and one purpose, fighting together for the faith, which is the Good News.


philippians 2:1-5 . . . is there any encouragement from belonging to Christ? any comfort from His love? any fellowship together in the Spirit? are your hearts tender and compassionate? then make me truly happy by agreeing wholeheartedly with each other, loving one another, and working together with one mind and purpose. don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. you must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had.


philippians 2:14-18 . . . do everything without complaining and arguing, so that no one can criticize you. live clean, innocent lives as children of God, shining like bright lights in a world full of crooked and perverse people. hold firmly to the Word of life; then, on the day of Christ’s return, i will be proud that i did not run the race in vain and that my work was not useless. but i will rejoice even if i lose my life, pouring it out like a liquid offering to God, just like your faithful service is an offering to God. and i want all of you to share that joy. yes, you should rejoice, and i will share your joy.


psalm 72:4 . . . help Him to defend the poor, to rescue the children of the needy, and to crush their oppressors.


psalm 72:12-14 . . . He will rescue the poor when they cry to Him; He will help the oppressed, who have no one to defend them. He feels pity for the weak and the needy, and He will rescue them. He will redeem them from oppression and violence, for their lives are precious to Him.


psalm 72:18-19 . . . praise the Lord God, the God of Israel, Who alone does such wonderful things. praise His glorious name forever! let the whole earth be filled with His glory. amen and amen!

i've been reading.

isaiah 54:5 . . . for your Maker is your husband— the LORD Almighty is his name— the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; the God of all the earth.

isaiah 54:10 . . . "though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet My unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor My covenant of peace be removed," says the LORD, who has compassion on you.

remembering the truth about who i am in Christ. He has made me glorious. and because of that, He will be glorified.

isaiah 55:5 . . . "you also will command nations you do not know, and peoples unknown to you will come running to obey, because I, the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, have made you glorious.”

Lord, let my belief in who I am, because of YOU ALONE cause me to serve You.

ephesians 6:5-8 . . . obey your earthly masters with fear and trembling, with a sincere heart, as you would Christ, not by the way of eye-service, as people-pleasers, but as servants of Christ, doing the will of God from the heart, rendering service with a good will as to the Lord and not to man, knowing that whatever good anyone does, this he will receive back from the Lord . . .

titleless. meaning, without title.

proverbs 18:24 . . . a man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a Friend who sticks closer than a brother.

it's finally hit me. i finally realize where the pain i've been facing has come from. all those i have turned to, those who i thought would understand, He graciously "taken" from me. and yes, by His grace He has done this. not to give me pain, but to bring healing. no one will understand me. not one.

He is the only friend. sticking closer than a brother.

i apologize to those of you whom i've run to. since april, when my "best friend" was lost, i've jumped around. each of you have graciously spoken truth. and i have repeated truth back at myself. time and time again. i think finally, tonight, at 3:26 am, i believe it.

such grace has He displayed! that He is always faithful [1 Corinthians 1:9]. He will NEVER leave or forsake [hebrews 13:5]

maybe i'll begin sleeping better.
i'm not alone.

i'm going to repeat myself.

over and over again.

"and I find peace when I'm confused.
i find hope when i'm let down.
not in me.
but in You." -switchfoot

i'm having these days a lot recently.
nothing but truth will keep me going.
i feel like i'm living without a reason.
but Truth is my reason. and that's truth.

. . . it's You.

i could be one of the most emotional people in this world. i write something. i complain about something. i remember Truth. then i'm smiling and laughing.

i need Jesus so badly. great thing i have Him.

"and it looks like the sky is caving in again
i'm dry and cracked, the sky goes black
. . . oh, Spirit fall like rain on my thirsty soul
. . . break me and make me whole" -switchfoot

i haven't been crying enough recently, i've decided. or being with people enough. or being honest enough.

so here's honesty.

i'm crying right now. i need someone. i've lied to people.

but people don't cut it. they really don't. no offense to you. or you. but you're simply not Jesus. isn't that something to rejoice about? i'm not Jesus. i just need Him, bad.

i haven't received a real hug in a while. i'm scared of hugs i've realized. if someone hugged me for real, i would have to be honest. the hug would be honest for me.

i'm hurting.

where is this pain coming from? i don't even know. i really and truly don't know. but something is stabbing me. something is causing me to be quickly angered. they're probably different things. but all sin.

sin is painful.

i'm glad the Lord has led me to stay home. not just in ga, but in my parent's home. i need them.

my heart broke last night. hope center banquet. there was a testimony of a girl from kenya, victim of human trafficking. she's now on her own. she's a registered nurse with a little child. she is free from slavery. imagine how thankful for life SHE is. life in perspective.

why do i life so selfishly?
why do i live so scared?
why does it take a specific time of the week, group of girls, and focused heart for honesty to occur.

my prayer is for a honest and vulnerable heart. at all times.
my prayer is that i would be hands and feet, for a magnificent Jesus.
my prayer is a changed heart.

"and I find peace when I'm confused.
i find hope when i'm let down.
not in me.
but in You." -switchfoot

when our hope is in the Lord, our joy is made complete.

today was an encouraging sunday. i talked with aaron for a few minutes, and the Lord simply blew my mind. besides that, women's discipleship. brilliant. i feel like i'm journaling. no, not online.

grace unmeasured . . .sgm
---
grace unmeasured, vast and free, that knew me from eternity, that called me out before my birth to bring You glory on this earth. grace amazing, pure and deep, that saw me in my misery, that took my curse and owned my blame so i could bear Your righteous name. grace paid for my sins and brought me to life. grace clothes me with power to do what is right. grace will lead me to heaven where i’ll see Your face,and never cease to thank You for Your grace. grace abounding, strong and true, that makes me long to be like You, that turns me from my selfish pride to love the cross on which You died. grace unending all my days, You’ll give me strength to run this race and when my years on earth are through, the praise will all belong to You

"prone to wander Lord i feel it, prone to leave the God I love. here's my heart Lord, take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above." robert robinson

i feel like i have so much to say.
but really, there are no words.

psalm 130:5-7 . . . i wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word I put my hope. my soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning. o israel, put your hope in the Lord, for with the Lord is unfailing love and with him is full redemption.

unfailing love.
full redemption.

redemption -- deliverance; rescue.

recognizing my need for the Lord has been constant the past few months. currently, my body wont allow me to do anything but sit here. i'm missing work, my second week with the job. i'm not making the money i need to be making. but i will trust the Lord. i will trust Him in His unfailing love.

my limited understanding of Love doesn't change who my God is and how His love works.

what freedom we have i Christ. what freedom we have in knowing we're saved. saved from death. this pain, this illness, even death itself has no power. no power over the God over all.

"God over all, giver of life and health and breath, i want to sing of Your love." -sgm, God over all

He is the head.

psalm 95:1-7 . . . oh come, let us sing to the Lord; let us make a joyful noise to the Rock of our salvation! let us come into His presence with thanksgiving; let us make a joyful noise to Him with songs of praise! for the Lord is a GREAT God, and a GREAT King above all gods. in His hands are the depths of the earth; the heights of the mountains are His also. the sea is His, for He made it, and His hands formed the dry land. oh come, let us worship and bow down; let us kneel before the Lord, our Maker! for He is our God, and we are the people of His pasture, and the sheep of His hand.

how great is our God?

so great that in His hands are the depths of the earth and the heights of the mountains.
so great that the sea is His, and His hands formed dry land.

"i am willing yet am so afraid. You give me strength when I say, i wanna be your hands, i wanna be your feet. i'll go where You send me" -newsboys

"take my hands and let them move at the impulse of Thy love. take my feet and let them be swift and beautiful for Thee." -frances r. havergal


i've never been in a place where obedience is so difficult. so NOT in me. i've never been at a place so needy. there is NO good thing in me.

psalm 51:1-17 . . . have mercy on me, o God, according to Your steadfast love; according to Your abundant mercy blot out my transgressions. wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin! for i know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me. against you, you only, have i sinned and done what is evil in Your sight, so that you may be justified in your words and blameless in Your judgment. behold, i was brought forth in iniquity, and in sin did my mother conceive me. behold, You delight in truth in the inward being, and You teach me wisdom in the secret heart. purge me with hyssop, and i shall be clean; wash me, and i shall be whiter than snow. let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones that You have broken rejoice. hide Your face from my sins, and blot out all my iniquities. create in me a clean heart, o God, and renew a right spirit within me. cast me not away from Your presence, and take not Your Holy Spirit from me. restore to me the joy of Your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit. then i will teach transgressors Your ways, and sinners will return to You. deliver me from bloodguiltiness, o God, God of my salvation, and my tongue will sing aloud of Your righteousness. o Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare Your praise. for You will not delight in sacrifice, or i would give it; You will not be pleased with a burnt offering. the sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, o God, You will not despise.

that's my prayer. open my lips, and my mouth will declare Your praise. it is not even in me to open my lips.

psalm 53:3 . . . they have all fallen away; together they have become corrupt; there is none who does good, not even one.

this summer.

tomorrow summer ends. tomorrow my career begins.
ending, and beginning.

i wish i could put into words the truth i've begun to believe this summer. i wish i could express the heart change i've had, and not only the feelings i feel. but i'll tell you this. it's all because of Jesus.

"its all because of Jesus i'm alive, it's all because the blood of Jesus Christ."

i'm a dreamer. it's so easy for me to dream up my fantasy life and all the amazing things i want to do and be a part of. but i'm done with that. i'm ready to start doing. accountability here?

chicago was a retreat. it was a time of evaluation. a time of communion with my Savior.

when i say evaluation, i mean i stepped back. i took a look at where i've been. where i'm at. and where i'm going. i asked the Lord for direction, guidance, and for the most precious jewel of wisdom. my God has shown me so much grace. first in saving me from death. second in blessing me. blessing me more than i can fathom. there hasn't been a better season in my life than this summer. though it began with heartache i felt i couldn't live through, i now laugh because God's hand is so big, and so great. we serve a good God. this has been the best season of my life thus far, and i have full faith, because of my love for my Jesus, that I will only see more and more of His beauty in seasons to come.

the next season begins tomorrow. single. working. living at home. and the next season, of moving out for the first time on my own is coming soon. what an exciting time.

"we are not for one moment at the mercy of chance." but instead we serve a sovereign God whose plan is perfect. His plan is good. His plan is for His own glory, and by His grace we get to experience it!!

psalm 30.
i will extol You, o Lord, for You have drawn me up and have not let my foes rejoice over me. o Lord my God, i cried to You for help, and You have healed me. o Lord, You have brought up my soul from sheol; You restored me to life from among those who go down to the pit. sing praises to the Lord, o you His saints, and give thanks to His holy name. for His anger is but for a moment, and His favor is for a lifetime. weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning. as for me, i said in my prosperity, "i shall never be moved." by Your favor, o Lord, You made my mountain stand strong; You hid Your face; i was dismayed. to You, o Lord, i cry, and to the Lord i plead for mercy: "what profit is there in my death, if i go down to the pit? will the dust praise You? will it tell of Your faithfulness? hear, o Lord, and be merciful to me! o Lord, be my helper!" You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; You have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, that my glory may sing Your praise and not be silent. o Lord my God, i will give thanks to You forever!

let me reiterate.
You have turned for me my mourning into dancing . . . that my glory may sing Your praise and not be silent.
AND NOT BE SILENT.
and not be silent.

thank You Lord for answering my prayers for clear direction, now give me strength to obey.

going back.

john 14:12-14 . . . i tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in Me will do what I have been doing. he will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. and I will do whatever you ask in My name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father. you may ask Me for anything in My name, and I will do it.

Jesus promised me He will do whatever i ask in His name. and i'm asking to do greater things. i'm asking that this daughter bring glory to her Heavenly Father.

-----------------------------------

there are christians everywhere! do you even know what i'm saying?! i feel like paul, traveling around and being so encouraged by those who are walking by faith.

i'm still in chicago. today i spent my day hanging out with laura's small group. it was like being with our singles group back home. it was a blast. i was overwhelmed with encouragement and love. these people welcomed me in like we have been friends for years. i left feeling the Lord's presence. what joy! i haven't laughed so hard in a while. i was literally in tears. this diverse group, from korea, the philippines, china, japan, chicago, the middle east, yes, diverse group moves as one body. though the depth of faith could always go deeper, the Lord's hand in this group is apparent. it's SUCH an encouragement to be away from home, yet still see the power of the Holy Spirit. and among this group hasn't been the first time.

the Lord has been giving me a boldness like I've never known. as i ask, He is filling me. my attempt at understanding is that i'm living without fear, for once. i have been talking to people without holding my tongue, talking to them as if they believe the same thing as me, and in that, people ask questions! it's incredible. sharing with a non-believer about how the Lord is working in your life BLOWS THEIR MIND. goodness, it blows MY mind too...

i think i could jab all night.

Lord, let this fire not go out. as it grows dim, fan the flame.

more wonderful than i can imagine.

"i don't understand, but i thank You. i don't understand, but i know that You are good. i don't understand but i know You're taking this away because You have something better." -joshua harris, boy meets girl

i had breakfast with some dear friends this morning. i was letting them know about where the Lord has brought me in this journey to chicago. carly put my heart into words better than i could.

"i feel like the Lord is saying, 'here is this incredible opportunity, but what I WILL DO is so much more brilliant.'"

in no way am i saying that the Lord wont show a flashing light requiring me to move here, but my heart is currently at peace that i'm called to remain in atlanta. it's been so cool the past week. do you ever pray with your family? ask your parents for counsel? i've felt the Lord calling me to do that over the past few weeks, and i'm determined to make it a lifestyle. the Lord is Lord over families. i'm so blessed for the one He has placed me in. praying with my parents the past week, each evening, and asking for their counsel and private prayer as well has been such a blessing in the decision making process. it's also been a blessing in drawing my family closer together. making them more of a priority in my heart.

the counsel of my parents, and the leading of the Spirit has brought me to a place of peace, certainly surpassing all understanding. the Lord has worked in my heart a ton this summer. bringing on a transformation of my desires. no longer is this career my biggest dream [next to marriage], but instead missions. i want to further the Kingdom. i want to serve the lost, AND the saved. that's where my heart is. not that i can't serve the Lord, as well as others through doing hair, but the Lord is making it clear that this job is no longer my desire. instead, my desire is to live in community. my desire is to encourage, reach out, serve, be bold, and live life along the family He has placed me in.

i wasn't able to sleep very much this week. some of that was due to my social schedule, but some of it was due to the Lord speaking to me. it's crazy to me how many aspects of life the Lord has taken my perspectives and turned them 180 from where i've always been. what a beautiful thing that the Lord opens the door when we knock.

matthew 7:7-8 . . . ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. for everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened.

that's a promise.

the things the Lord has for me are more wonderful than i can imagine. the things He is calling me to will bring Him glory, because that's what He promises. it's so easy to fail, and i know i will time and time again. it's so easy to become distracted. but my prayer is for determination. my prayer is for drive. i want to strive to live on the edge of the cliff. willing to jump [probably in a squirrel suit] and with complete faith that the Lord is going to catch me.

john 14:12-14 . . . i tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in Me will do what I have been doing. he will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. and I will do whatever you ask in My name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father. you may ask Me for anything in My name, and I will do it.

do we believe that. i'm trying to tap into understanding the authority the Lord has given me. have any verses to encourage that?

i miss you guys. already.

"how deep the Father's love for us."

my heart is touched. i feel an overwhelming sense of peace and joy.

1 john 4:18 . . . there is no fear in love, but perfect Love casts out fear.

and that perfect Love is our heavenly Father.

1 john 4:8 . . . anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.

GOD IS LOVE!

what life the Lord has blessed me with! what life! SO RICH! rich in mercy, rich in joy, rich in forgiveness, rich in love, rich in GRACE!

psalm 113:3 . . . from the rising of the sun to it's setting, the name of the Lord is to be praised!




i pray this sense of the Lord's presence will not fade for the next seven days as i embark on this journey. what a blessing to be called out of the darkness to live in the light, as a light, with the Lord's authority to call glory to His name.

"i have become increasingly overwhelmed but not discouraged; and soon I’ll leave the infirmary feeling well." -jack's mannequin

glory to God in the highest.
and on earth, peace, goodwill towards men.

God blesses.

i'm glad.

i actually like music again. like finding new music. writing lyrics. loving lyrics [that never went away]. exploring bands, their history, etc.

i've been so short on words lately. probably because there is too much on my mind to verbalize. i'll be glad in a few months when i know what i'm doing with my life. for a day or so. heh.

so again, i'm speechless.

and i need prayer.

here's where i'm at.

try anything by your own strength, and fail.

oh!!

"what a glorious day, what a glorious way, that You have saved me!" -happy day

"this is the day that You have made, to walk in Your love and Your grace." -i will rise up

what a crazy day. productive. encouraging. real.

starting over is blissful. after a night like the one i had last night...today was the perfect day to follow. fellowship. encouragement. worship. rest. family. work.

i'm going to call last night my "samuel experience." though it was a rough one. and i faced attacks, i also saw victory. tonight i'll be tested. tonight i'm called to put into action where the Lord has brought my heart.

it's glorious that our strength comes from the Lord. it's such a great thing that in my weakness, HIS STRENGTH is made perfect. because i'm weak. i'm very weak. even after rest, i'm tired. very tired.

i'm so thankful for real people. like my mom. and my dad. and daniel. and joe. and meredith. and the twins. and james, and amanda. yeah, those are all the people i've come in contact with today, and i'm just so blessed by fellowship. i'm so blessed by talking about what matters. i'm so blessed by life together.

i'm also thankful for itunes. how cool is it to have a song on your heart, type it in, if you don't have it, you can purchase it immediately. the Lord is gracious to give us itunes. heh...

i can't wait for life. life is happening. life is beautiful!

my heart hurts.

james 1:22 . . . do not merely listen to the Word, and so deceive yourselves. do what it says. [NIV]

2 timothy 3:16-17 . . . all Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training righteousness, that the man of God may be competent, equipped for every good work. [ESV]

matthew 4:4 . . . man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God. [ESV]

-------------------------------------

i'm broken right now. humbled, majorly. today has been full of conviction. i've felt the Lord challenging me in so many areas. and in response, i've fallen. it's always been my struggle to be too hard on myself. to show grace to others, but hold myself to a higher standard. to try and be perfect. in reality, it's always been my struggle: self-hatred. why is it that i'm so self-condemning? why can't i take the Truth the Lord reveals to me, thank Him for His grace and strive to grown, finding joy in sanctification? no, instead it's so hard for me.

i currently feel like i'm failing to love others. i'm lacking in self-control. i'm lacking morale in conversation.

here i am, making myself god. idolizing myself. idolizing perfection.

-------------------------------------

2 corinthians 5:17 . . . therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! [NIV]

romans 8:1 . . . there is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. [ESV]

-------------------------------------



my heart hurts.
glad i have a best Friend.

simple.

"content in the little glory of the present." -age of innocence
i had forgotten about this quote. it's always been one of my favorites.
but this morning, as i thought on the Lord, i was struck.
where i'm at this morning is simple.
simply looking to the Lord.
truth is, i'm more than "content."

psalm 123:1 . . . i lift up my eyes to You, to You whose throne is in heaven.

oh, what a glorious Name!

wednesday.

"i am Yours, Jesus, You are mine." -happy day

it's just such a glorious thought. no, a glorious TRUTH.

i am His.
He is mine.

we love Him because He first loved us.
i am His beloved.

my life belongs to Him.
i belong to Him.

sigh.
glorious.
marvelous! and i am marveling.

-------------------------------------------
romans 12:2 . . . do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

my mind is being renewed.

i am new!

worship on the square.

it was beautiful. as expected. i found myself praying a couple songs that weren't sung. met a few cool girls with similar hearts to my own. Jesus is simply, yet so complexly beautiful.

Take my life and let it be
Consecrated, Lord, to Thee;
Take my hands and let them move
At the impulse of Thy love.
Take my feet and let them be
Swift and beautiful for Thee;
Take my voice and let me sing,
Always, only for my King.
Take my lips and let them be
Filled with messages from Thee;
Take my silver and my gold,
Not a mite would I withhold.
Take my moments and my days,
Let them flow in endless praise;
Take my intellect and use
Every pow’r as Thou shalt choose.
Take my will and make it Thine,
It shall be no longer mine;
Take my heart, it is Thine own,
It shall be Thy royal throne.
Take my love, my Lord, I pour
At Thy feet its treasure store;
Take myself and I will be
Ever, only, all for Thee.



I'm here to meet with you
come and meet with me
I'm here to find you
reveal yourself to me
As I wait, you make me strong
As I long, draw me to your arms
As I stand and sing your praise
You come, you come and you fill this place
Won't you come, Won't you come and fill this place

someday i wont have to prove.

i'm so bothered by the opposite sex right now.
there is simply no respect in our culture.
i'm certainly talking about non-christian guys.
i have been blown away by my own male friends...
so congratulations to you.
i hope you guys can see what you're saved from.
just drive down the road with your windows down.

"here comes the sun...doo doo do do...and i said...it's alright"

"in the morning when i face the day, i will let every thought be of You, for You are good. You take all those who will come to You." -enter the worship circle

still dwelling on the fact that memorizing a passage can change your life. it can make the difference between staying in bed or getting up. it can influence how you spend your time. it's all about chewing on, and truly living on the Word, and not bread alone.

psalm 113:3 . . . from the rising of the sun to it's setting, the name of the Lord is to be praised.

that's a command. a command the Lord has imprinted on my heart. no, i'm sure it doesn't mean i have to wake up at 5:25 every morning...but it does mean my entire day, from the moment it begins, until the moment it ends, i shall be praising the Lord.

truth: there is nothing like His glory. it's above the heavens [psalm 113:4]. today i witnessed it, and the Lord hand-picked scripture to go along.

psalm 118:1, 14, 23-24, 27, 28-29 . . . [1]give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; His steadfast love endures forever. [14]the Lord is my strength and my song; He has become my salvation. [23-24]the Lord has done this, and it is marvelous in our eyes. this is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it. [27]the Lord is God, and He has made His light shine upon us. [28-29]You are my God, and i will give You thanks; You are my God, and i will exalt You. give thanks to the Lord for He is good; His love endures forever.

it IS marvelous in our eyes. what He has done. His glory. every day. every morning. "it's morning again."

marvelous.
[adj.] superb; excellent; great; improbable or incredible

marvel.
[noun] something that causes wonder, admiration, or astonishment; a wonderful thing
[verb] to be filled with wonder, admiration, or astonishment, as at something surprising or extraordinary

improbable.
[adj.] not probable; unlikely to be true or to happen

---------------------------------------

Majesty, Your glory is shining
brighter than the moon and the stars
marveling, we honor and fear You
above all gods

glorious and mighty, You’re awesome In beauty
joyful songs we raise
glorious and mighty, You’re awesome in beauty
greatly to be praised

Majesty, You fashioned the heavens
Your decrees can never be changed
over all the plans of the nations
Your judgments reign

Majesty, we’ll sing with creation
when You come again in the clouds
every knee will bow down and worship
the one true God.

---------------------------------------

once again. yes, this is where my heart is at. once again. every day, every moment, being brought back to the truth that there is NOTHING more than the cross.

Jesus Christ, i think upon Your sacrifice
You became nothing, poured out to death
many times i've wondered at Your gift of life
and i'm in that place once again
i'm in that place once again

and once again i look upon the cross where You died
i'm humbled by Your mercy and i'm broken inside
once again i thank You
once again i pour out my life

now You are exalted to the highest place
King of the heavens, where one day i'll bow
but for now, i marvel at Your saving grace
and i'm full of praise once again
i'm full of praise once again

thank You for the cross

---------------------------------------

"marvel" was in every song the Lord brought to my heart today. how marvelous! (:

blessed be the name of the Lord, from this time forth and forevermore! [psalm 113:2]

"people run in circles, it's a very very mad world."

i've been home for about 28 hours. home from ghana, kenya, and the u.a.e. accra, nirobi, navasha, karima, nakuru, and dubai. it's almost hard. having a life-changing experience that no one close to you witnessed. this doesn't make me greater, no, not at all. but i've struggled with feeling alone since i've been home. unknowingly overwhelmed. over compensating with sinful thought-life. there is so much to process.

i know there are actually a few who want to be a part of it. then it's to those few i come to, with no words.

no words.

but so many thoughts. i wish i was someone who was better at putting thoughts into words. but i'll try.

quoting my journal.

"you come to places like this and expect to be saddened, broken and humbled by the way people live. but instead you're saddened, broken and humbled by the way we live at home. these people, though we view them to live in so much poverty, are truly so rich in joy, life and love. you see the same thing on 99.9% of the faces...love for life. sure there are sad thing about the relationships they lack, and the lack of health they experience, but they still live in real community. thankful for every little thing. i wish i was so creative, and so resourceful. living simple has got to be the way to live."

"they may live primitively, according to our standards, but these are certainly not primitive people."

i feel so blessed. so encouraged, and so refreshed. those are not the realities i expected to experience returning home from africa. but the main things the Lord showed me are certainly more than i prayed for.

there is nothing like serving with other people. what an absolutely amazing thing, for 21 people, all from completely different lifes, completely different backgrounds, ages, testimonies. yet, with similar hearts, all there to serve, and therefore bonded. i've never seen a team come together like ours. i witnessed the different parts of the body coming together and functioning like one in a completely new way have i have ever witnessed. i've come to this, when the body functions as it is called to function, as one body, serving others, then, and only then is true community lived out. then, and only they are real relationships experienced. so, application? i'm looking for new ways to serve. new ways to volunteer, and finding out where real needs are, as i pursue this, i will invite you all, i will look to you, as "others who call upon the Lord" [2 timothy 2:22] to join me in service, to function as we are called. for the glory of the Lord.

i was so blown away by the couples on the trip. jennifer and james. cassy and andrew. katherine and tommy. i recognized my longing to serve alongside my husband. whomever he is, wherever he is, one day, and how exciting is it to say, we will serve together. we will work together, bouncing off each other, encouraging one and other, and helping each other. we will also, like the body, become one and serve together, as the Lord has called.

we were blessed to attend a funeral on the trip. a family in the community of karima lost a son a few days before we arrived. on sunday, after church, we visited the family and shared in mourning, as well as prayer and praise. there is nothing like this. we were asked to attend the funeral on wednesday, and i was so blessed to be a part of it. i have never, never in my life heard the gospel preached so passionately. so brilliantly. there was NO refusal. i pray that when my life is over, that is what my funeral is like. i pray, like this 20 year old boy who was murdered, my life works toward the growing of my Lord's kingdom. there is no way anyone can refuse the gospel when it is shared this way. i pray, even more than when my life is over, that i would live this way. the Lord is showing me what that should look like.

the difference in culture is incredible. the biggest thing is the lack of leadership among men. i actually got slapped in the face by it. i've spent so much time fed up with the men in my community. so much time complaining and having expectations. seeing the way these people live did nothing but make me thankful. thankful for every LITTLE thing the guys i know do. in the kenyan culture, the women do everything. hike 6 miles, 10 times a day to carry water in 50 lb. cans up hill to take care of their family. work, and provide for the family. take care of the children. you wouldn't believe the strength of these women. 90% of the men spend their days on the side of the road, literally watching the cars go by. we saw hundreds of men doing absolutely nothing. it broke my heart. what's amazing though, is as the men on our team stepped up. as the men on our team showed compassion and care for the women of the community, their men began to chip in. their men began to help. it's hard to imagine something as biblical as male leadership so void, but that's the kenyan culture. it's cool to see the Lord's hand, even in that.

there are so many culture differences that blow my mind. most of which cause me to struggle with my love for my own. as i've explained, these people know how to live. but the biggest thing the Lord showed me on this trip, home is my mission field.

"it's sad that it took this trip, $3500 and a 30 hour journey all the way to kenya for this to click. my mission is at home. we hear it all the time, your neighborhood is your mission field, but it's become reality to me now. americans are truly needy."

i memorized an entire chapter of the bible for the first time. on the trip. psalm 113. by my own choice. there is something about knowing scripture that truly changes the way you think. as psalm 113 repeats, over and over, "praise the Lord," it's something we hear all the time. we even believe it. we feel it. but when it's your thought, and constant meditation, there is new meaning. at least, there has been in my mind. i don't know that i've ever experienced more fear and reverence for the Lord, simply by repeating this scripture in my mind.

"praise the Lord. praise, o servants of the Lord. praise the name of the Lord. blessed be the name of the Lord from this time forth and forevermore. from the rising of the sun to it's setting, the name of the Lord is to be praised. He is high above all nations, and His glory above the heavens. who is like the Lord, our God, who is seated on high, who looks far down, on the heavens and the earth? He raises the poor from the dust and lifts the needy from the ash pit to make them sit with princes, the princes of His people. he gives the barren women a home and makes her the joyous mother of children. praise the Lord!"

what it means to you, i don't know. but my life is changing.

i was really encouraged by the story in matthew 25. when Jesus says to the sheep and the goats, "whatever you did for the least of these, you did for Me." let us feed the hungry. let us give drinks to the thirsty. let us invite in strangers. let us clothe the naked and take care of the sick. let us even, visit those in prison. all for the glory of the Lord. not because these are good things. not because it causes those around us to look on us with awe. no, to point all good things to the name of the Lord. when you do things for the least of these, you are doing them unto the Lord. praise Jesus.

i could go on and on. and i'll probably continue to ramble in following posts. i'm sorry to those who will get sick of hearing about kenya. hearing about africa. hearing about all the marvelous things the Lord is doing. your loss. the Lord's work is simply something for each of us to share and marvel in. the name of the Lord is to be praised.

God blesses. your ilfe is not your own.

kenya.

*sigh*

it's finally hit me. i leave the country, actually, tomorrow.

flying from the atlanta airport to accra, ghana. from ghana to nairobi. children's home. karima. nairobi. dubai. back to atlanta in time for church sunday july 19. (:

i am beyond words excited. therefore, i don't have many words.

i'm so thankful. so blessed. this is finally happening.

guys, the Lord truly does give your heart desires. then, He gives you the desires of your heart. always be patient. i've waited 5 years for this one, and i'm so pleased that -now- is when i'm going. now is the perfect time, it's cool how His perfect plan is...perfect like this.

i met my team earlier this evening. about half of them. there are a couple younger girls, which of course thrills me. it's cool how the Lord is providing places for me to serve even before i leave, even those on my team. and of course i can serve anyone, but reaching out to those younger girls is where my heart is, and a gift the Lord has given me. i'm thrilled to use it. there are also a few married couples, who seem incredible. and some other individuals like myself. this is an adventure, in which i'm about to depart. really, about to.

------------------------------

i'm really glad i have you, my friends. i was thinking tonight about how much i'll miss you. miss my community here at home. that's a blessing. there have certainly been times in my life where i was just ready to leave, and i am, but tomorrow, i know what i'm leaving. and it makes me thankful [not sad]. thankful for the love, support, friendship, accountability, and encouragement which the Lord has provided in the past year.

those who read this, i hope you know how much you mean to me. i know i fail often, but i want to show you nothing less than the love the Lord pours into me. i want to be "nothing more than God's servant, and nothing less than His child." thanks for encouraging me to grow, and serve.

so, like i mentioned earlier tonight...this is practice. 10 days, not a big deal, but preparing my heart for the chicago calling. of course, nothing is set in stone, but it's another adventure. another desire, placed in my heart by my loving Father, and if fulfilled, His glory alone.

------------------------------

well, i thought i didn't have a lot of words. and i could certainly have a lot more, but i'll close here.

please pray for me. my heart. my health. my head.
thanks.

this july 4--

psalm 113:1-6 . . . Praise the LORD! Praise, O servants of the LORD, praise the name of the LORD! Blessed be the name of the LORD from this time forth and forevermore! From the rising of the sun to its setting, the name of the LORD is to be praised! The LORD is high above all nations, and his glory above the heavens! Who is like the LORD our God, who is seated on high, who looks far down on the heavens and the earth?

i'm not usually one to be patriotic. but this year, the Lord has given me, by His grace, a new perspective.

He is high above all nations. He is high above our nation. despite where the people of our country put Him, despite our ignorance, He is seated on high.

our country, where we're at, how blessed we are, it is all thanks to Him. all praise to our Lord!

PRAISE THE LORD. BLESSED BE THE NAME OF THE LORD FROM THIS TIME 4th AND FOREVERMORE! [too far?]

happy 4th of july, my free friends. remember today the freedom you have in Him, not only the freedom our country is blessed with. remember your dependance upon Him, not only the independence of our great country.

sanctification

it's a word i've never understood. not until past weeks.

it's God's grace, at work in my life. changing me, completely.

sanctification: "to make holy; set apart as sacred," "to purify or free from sin," "to make productive of or conducive to spiritual blessing."

---------------------------

for example.

holding my tongue. it blows my mind when i realize, "wait, did i really not say that out loud?"

i'm seeing grace in my speech. i've got a long, LONG way to go, always will, i'm sure, but by the Lord's power, i'm resisting temptation. i'm holding my tongue in so many areas. in taking control, in fighting back, in being fowl.

in holding my tongue, i'm learning to listen. really, you get to know people a lot better when you really hear what they're saying, and it's easier to see the truth behind what they're saying, and their motives...listening is a big deal.

---------------------------

psalm 109:21 . . . but You, o God my Lord, deal on my dehalf for Your Name's sake . . .

it's obviously all for His glory. beinging His children to glory only glorifies Him more.

thoughts?

blown away.

do you like the wind? i really do. even if it's car-created. windows down, amazing. a sun roof, even better. but a convertible?! i've decided it's something i'm working towards.

a 1965, yellow mustang convertible.

blast.

does that blow you away?

i'm blown away by more than the wind tonight. mercy.

mercy. "an act of kindness, compassion, or favor." "something that gives evidence of divine favor."

the wind, to me, is God's mercy. it, "gives evidence of divine favor." it's God's powerful hand, moving to show kindness and compassion. it blows me away.

that's all i got.

my flesh.

the first time i saw this, about two years ago, i thought to myself, "that's beautiful."

do you know how sick that is? i've thought about it a whole lot, through my hippie accusations and my "let's love" mentality. truth is, without Jesus, that's who i would be. a hippie. an anything goes, whatever works for you, love works for me, lets get high, life is to be lived...hippie. like i said, without Jesus.

but by His grace, i've been saved from that. by His grace i have to walk that seemingly fine line between LoVe! and God's love.

it may be trure, in fact, it is true, God's love is unconditional. and it's also true, Jesus walked this earth living out that unconditional love. His love was accepting. His love was genuine. and His love was for everyone. but where the fine line falls, is believing for one second that Jesus didn't call people out. we can't think for one moment that Jesus didn't tell people how it is, challenge them, and speak truth.

so that's what true love is. true love is Truth, speaking Truth. no matter the consequence. or a better word, sacrifice.

that's where i fall. thats where i struggle. telling people they're wrong. though i feel like i simply want to be kind, and that i don't want to appear prideful, it is in actuality my pride that keeps me from speaking truth. no matter how i try and fail to justify my "aaccept them" mindset, it's always wrong. there is truth in accepting people, accepting who they are, where they're at, but there is no truth in not speaking out. there is no truth in holding back.

so it is a fine line. at least for my flesh. it's hard for me to be the one stepping on toes. the Gospel is offensive, yet i in no way want to offend.

why? fear. worry. rejection.

so what am i called to? sacrifice.




just a few thoughts i've been rethinking. a few things i've been meditating on. perhaps the Lord has provided challenge or encouragement to you, where you're at.

romans 12:1-3 . . . I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned.

I’ve forgotten how much I love writing. In beginning to read again, I’ve been inspired. I’m finishing up, “Boy meets Girl,” by Joshua Harris…it has only proved to challenge and encourage me right where I’m at. Here’s a hint of my new perspective.

I want to court!

In coming out of a painful and rough almost 3 year dating relationship, my perspective on marriage has changed completely. I’m finding that the man I want is the man I have to wait for.

The Savior’s grace has blown me away more now than ever. In freeing me from my greatest idol [my ex-boyfriend] He has brought me to a place of true joy and peace in Him.

My perspective on courting in the past has been skeptical and judgmental. Though somewhat true, I thought there was nothing wrong with “dating” as long as we tried to glorify the Lord. And we did. We did try. But through a lack of guidance and guarding, we did nothing but set our relationship up for failure, and it failed. We set ourselves up for pain, and regret, and it occurred.

So my perspective has changed. Courting or dating, no matter the terminology, I know things will be different in my future. I now know what I want.


What do I want? The man I want is one who pursues. A man who forces me to be a woman. A man who finds joy in wooing me. A man whose desire is to do nothing but lead me to the Lord, honor and love me.

I’ve been searching for the man I want since I was fourteen years old. When I’ve had crushes, I’ve pursued the thought of a relationship. I’ve been open about feelings. I’ve fiddled around with hearts trying to find what I want. I have taken control.

But again, what do I want? The man that I want, that I described two paragraphs up, he isn’t one I can find. He is one I must wait patiently for.

If I want a man who will pursue me, doesn’t pursuing him completely defeat the purpose? If I want a man who forces me to be a woman, doesn’t my leading the relationship ruin everything? If I want a man who finds true joy in wooing me, will my nagging a man who doesn’t help anything?

The man whose desire is to lead me to the cross, whose desire is to honor and love me, he is worth waiting for.

“Faith for a man is willingness to be rejected. Faith for a woman is willingness to wait.”

By God’s grace, I’m waiting. By God’s grace He has opened my eyes. I was blinded to the joy He brings in waiting. I was robbing myself of what I truly desire. My true desire is from the Lord. He has placed that desire in my heart. That desire is not for the man I want, but instead for the man I need. And by my Lord’s amazing grace, that man will find pleasure in pursuing this wreck of a woman.

It’s hard at times humbly realizing the time I’ve wasted. It’s painful to think of the mistakes I’ve made. Yet in my weakness, my Lord has proved strong. In my brokenness He has been my comfort. When I, like Israel forgot His power, He has consistently proved faithful.

I couldn’t be more thankful. I wish I could come up with real words to describe how the Lord has saved me, but none express His glory.


This place I’m in isn’t one to be taken for granted. I’ve found joy and peace in waiting for the past few weeks, but what about when it takes years? His grace is amazing, and it’s enough for me. I must continue to cling to His promises in a daily pursuit of faith. Just because I’m ecstatic now doesn’t mean I will not grow weary. But my hope is in the Lord.

I’m currently being called to truly place my hope in Him. I am praying about a job opportunity in Chicago. This is huge.

Moving to Chicago means leaving 20 years of life behind.
Moving to Chicago means giving to the Lord my idea of how my love story should be written.
Moving to Chicago will be a step of faith I’ve never had to take.

That step of faith is my biggest desire. I want to respond to the desire the Lord has given me for this job, the opportunity He has provided, the talent He has given me, and His timing. If my hope is truly in Him, leaving Woodstock and leaving what’s familiar, only His perfect plan for my life will unfold.

The two topics of this blog may be completely unrelated to you, but to my dreams and my plan, they go hand in hand. I know the Lord will only continue to blow me away by His love.

One last thing that the Lord has put on my heart, I don’t have to let go of my dreams. I simply have to hold them with open hands. “Open hands” is something I could go on and on about, but I choose not to at this particular moment in time. But there is great joy in knowing my dreams are not bad, but simply nothing compared to how the Lord desires to bless me. I must keep my hands open so the Lord may give and take away.

Psalm 84:11 . . . No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly.

Proverbs 16:9 . . . The heart of a man plans his way, but the Lord establishes His steps.

Psalm 37:4 . . . Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.

God over all.

God over all
Giver of life and health and breath
I want to sing of Your love
Came as a man
Humble, You died the sinner’s death
I want to sing of Your love

Your love has saved me
By Your grace I now draw near, and
Your love has set me
Free to glorify Your name
And I, I want to sing of Your love

I’ll never forget
That You have bought me with Your blood
I want to sing of Your love
In all I do
May Your great love be shining through
I want to sing of Your love

And on that day
When You come back to claim Your own
Yes, we will sing of Your love
Then we’ll bow down
Praise You forever at Your throne
Yes, we will sing of Your love

psalm 42. + some.

As a deer pants for flowing streams,
so pants my soul for You, O God.
My soul thirsts for God,
for the living God.
When shall I come and appear before God?
My tears have been my food
day and night,
while they say to me all the day long,
"Where is your God?"
These things I remember,
as I pour out my soul:
how I would go with the throng
and lead them in procession to the house of God
with glad shouts and songs of praise,
a multitude keeping festival.
Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him,
my Salvation and my God.

My soul is cast down within me;
therefore I remember You
from the land of Jordan and of Hermon,
from Mount Mizar.
Deep calls to deep
at the roar of your waterfalls;
all your breakers and your waves
have gone over me.
By day the LORD commands his steadfast love,
and at night his song is with me,
a prayer to the God of my life.
I say to God, my Rock:
"Why have you forgotten me?
Why do I go mourning
because of the oppression of the enemy?"
As with a deadly wound in my bones,
my adversaries taunt me,
while they say to me all the day long,
"Where is your God?"

Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him,
my salvation and my God.


------------------------------------
first off: my tears have been my food.
second: that makes me angry. i'm trying SO hard. [obviously too hard] to give up, to lay it down before my Lord. i'm praying constantly, digging into His Word, but i'm downcast. my soul is cast down. and i'm questioning.

where -is- my God? why is He "forgetting" me? He promises not to. He promises to never leave or forsake me. obviously, this pain is not half of what i deserve, so i know He is here, He is showing me grace. but i'm weary.

i need prayer. i need people to join me in prayer. i need people to lay their hands on me and pray. i'm angry, lost, confused, humbled, obviously.





my plans always fail.