I’ve forgotten how much I love writing. In beginning to read again, I’ve been inspired. I’m finishing up, “Boy meets Girl,” by Joshua Harris…it has only proved to challenge and encourage me right where I’m at. Here’s a hint of my new perspective.

I want to court!

In coming out of a painful and rough almost 3 year dating relationship, my perspective on marriage has changed completely. I’m finding that the man I want is the man I have to wait for.

The Savior’s grace has blown me away more now than ever. In freeing me from my greatest idol [my ex-boyfriend] He has brought me to a place of true joy and peace in Him.

My perspective on courting in the past has been skeptical and judgmental. Though somewhat true, I thought there was nothing wrong with “dating” as long as we tried to glorify the Lord. And we did. We did try. But through a lack of guidance and guarding, we did nothing but set our relationship up for failure, and it failed. We set ourselves up for pain, and regret, and it occurred.

So my perspective has changed. Courting or dating, no matter the terminology, I know things will be different in my future. I now know what I want.


What do I want? The man I want is one who pursues. A man who forces me to be a woman. A man who finds joy in wooing me. A man whose desire is to do nothing but lead me to the Lord, honor and love me.

I’ve been searching for the man I want since I was fourteen years old. When I’ve had crushes, I’ve pursued the thought of a relationship. I’ve been open about feelings. I’ve fiddled around with hearts trying to find what I want. I have taken control.

But again, what do I want? The man that I want, that I described two paragraphs up, he isn’t one I can find. He is one I must wait patiently for.

If I want a man who will pursue me, doesn’t pursuing him completely defeat the purpose? If I want a man who forces me to be a woman, doesn’t my leading the relationship ruin everything? If I want a man who finds true joy in wooing me, will my nagging a man who doesn’t help anything?

The man whose desire is to lead me to the cross, whose desire is to honor and love me, he is worth waiting for.

“Faith for a man is willingness to be rejected. Faith for a woman is willingness to wait.”

By God’s grace, I’m waiting. By God’s grace He has opened my eyes. I was blinded to the joy He brings in waiting. I was robbing myself of what I truly desire. My true desire is from the Lord. He has placed that desire in my heart. That desire is not for the man I want, but instead for the man I need. And by my Lord’s amazing grace, that man will find pleasure in pursuing this wreck of a woman.

It’s hard at times humbly realizing the time I’ve wasted. It’s painful to think of the mistakes I’ve made. Yet in my weakness, my Lord has proved strong. In my brokenness He has been my comfort. When I, like Israel forgot His power, He has consistently proved faithful.

I couldn’t be more thankful. I wish I could come up with real words to describe how the Lord has saved me, but none express His glory.


This place I’m in isn’t one to be taken for granted. I’ve found joy and peace in waiting for the past few weeks, but what about when it takes years? His grace is amazing, and it’s enough for me. I must continue to cling to His promises in a daily pursuit of faith. Just because I’m ecstatic now doesn’t mean I will not grow weary. But my hope is in the Lord.

I’m currently being called to truly place my hope in Him. I am praying about a job opportunity in Chicago. This is huge.

Moving to Chicago means leaving 20 years of life behind.
Moving to Chicago means giving to the Lord my idea of how my love story should be written.
Moving to Chicago will be a step of faith I’ve never had to take.

That step of faith is my biggest desire. I want to respond to the desire the Lord has given me for this job, the opportunity He has provided, the talent He has given me, and His timing. If my hope is truly in Him, leaving Woodstock and leaving what’s familiar, only His perfect plan for my life will unfold.

The two topics of this blog may be completely unrelated to you, but to my dreams and my plan, they go hand in hand. I know the Lord will only continue to blow me away by His love.

One last thing that the Lord has put on my heart, I don’t have to let go of my dreams. I simply have to hold them with open hands. “Open hands” is something I could go on and on about, but I choose not to at this particular moment in time. But there is great joy in knowing my dreams are not bad, but simply nothing compared to how the Lord desires to bless me. I must keep my hands open so the Lord may give and take away.

Psalm 84:11 . . . No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly.

Proverbs 16:9 . . . The heart of a man plans his way, but the Lord establishes His steps.

Psalm 37:4 . . . Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.