job 19:25 . . . i know that my Redeemer lives, and that in the end He will stand upon the earth.

that's all there is.

my mind has been racing today. so much going on in my head. my favorite place to be is when i can't make sense of anything, and there is nothing sound, but truth.

truth is that my Redeemer lives.
that i am redeemed.
that in the end, HE will stand upon the earth.
again.

i'm so over not loving one another.
how do i change?
Lord, change me.

better than thousands elsewhere...

colossians 1:9-12 . . . for this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. and we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please Him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to His glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully giving thanks to the Father, Who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light.

be strengthened with all power according to His glorious might! have great endurance and patience. joyfully give thanks to the Father.

joyfully giving thanks to my Father. that's where i'm at today. i've been in a hole the past few days. praying without ceasing, but simply because i was not making it on my own. i knew i couldn't. i was failing, falling quickly.

"but joyfully, through prayer and petition, present your requests to the Lord."

"turn Your ear to me, o Lord."

i called, You answered.
You came to my rescue.
i want to be where You are.

my soul longs, even faints for You.
for here my heart is satisfied,
within Your presence.


well, there is nothing better than the power of my Savior.

praise the Lord, for He is faithful.
His love endures forever!

respond to grace.

ephesians 1:5-8 . . . in love He predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of His will, to the praise of His glorious grace, with which He has blessed us in the Beloved. in Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace, which He lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight.

the riches of His grace, He has lavished upon us.

"take my will and make it Thine
it shall be no longer mine.
take my heart it is Thine own
it shall be Thy royal throne.
take my love, my Lord i pour
at Your feet its treasure store
take myself and i will be
ever, only, all for Thee.
take myself and i will be
ever, only, all for Thee.

here am i, all of me.
take my life, it's all for Thee."

what's your response?

well well well.

i haven't written in over a week. and i'm talking about more than blogging. i haven't done my thing, where i write pages and pages daily. there's something i want to write about, but i don't even know where to begin. i'm still speechless. wordless.

i'm engaged. surprise surprise! maybe not to you, but to me. it's a dream that is coming true, a dream i had completely given up on. it's incredible how the Lord works that way.

it's left me in awe. as i said, speechless. wordless. i want to tell you my heart, i want to explain to you my feelings, my excitement, the blessing of God's amazing grace which i'm experiencing. but i don't know where to start.

the story? it's short. simple. better than anything i could have imagined. it's crazy how it began, years and years ago. then nine days ago, began again. a new story. a new adventure.

i am marrying jack. high school sweetheart. the kid i met who i thought was too cool to be friends with me. the one who took me to senior prom. the one who i fell in love with while we were broken up. the one who walked through illness with me. the one who remained my friend when i broke his heart. the one who prayed with me through depression and attempted suicide. we're getting married.

under a tree in the middle of my city, he knelt down on one knee and said, "i am in love with you. i want to fight for you for the rest of my life if you say yes. will you marry me?" my dream moment, months before i was expecting it, but not too early, exactly what i needed that easter weekend.

my prayer was that the Lord would make it clear. that if jack was the one who could love me as Christ loves the church, that He would prove it.

boy, did he.

"i want to fight for you, for the rest of my life." does that boy know what i need, or what?

all the little things. like buying me real diamonds when i didn't want them, just to show me how much i mean to him, despite cost. like refusing to call me by name. the past year i've been praying for a man. someone to sweep me off my feet. to surprise me, prove to me, fight me, fight FOR me, and do things his way, in God's timing. God answered my prayers far beyond what i could have asked for or imagined.

since i was 14 years old i have been praying for, writing to, an imagining my husband. i've been planning my wedding day, asking the Lord to prepare me to be a wife. asking Him to write me a beautiful love story.

there is none more beautiful, more fitting for me, and for jack.

i'm in love. i fell in love almost 3 years ago. and the dreams the Lord called me to surrender to Him are now coming true.

the blessings in this life are beautiful. the blessing of love, of living life alongside someone else, BEAUTIFUL.

what's more beautiful?

the picture which this love represents. the greatest blessing in this life here on earth: salvation. the love which the Lord God, the Holy Spirit, the Son Christ Jesus, the HOLY TRINITY has for all of those who believe. the grace which allows us to live by faith, under no law, no condemnation, but FREEDOM.

Christ died on my behalf. on your behalf. and there is no greater love.

i'm excited about the adventure Jack and i are jumping into. this adventure to continue to learn how to love one another with the sacrificial love that Jesus Christ has shown us.

join me in prayer?

Beautiful One, i love You!

i knew it would happen.

philippians 2:1-12 . . . so if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though He was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made Himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. and being found in human form, He humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. therefore God has highly exalted Him and bestowed on Him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

i finally cried. on tour. hard.

praise the Lord for answering prayers. you pray to be humbled, to be broken, to be convicted, He does it. and it's a lot harder to handle than you planned. and then He does His thing. He comforts.

a 5 day break and short trip home couldn't have come at a better time. i'm ecstatic, to say the least, to be enveloped by people that give a rip. and i pray the love God has put inside them will refresh me, refresh me so i can come back and perhaps, love more.

if there is any encouragement in Christ.
any comfort from love.
any participation in the Spirit.
any affection and sympathy.

if there is. i know there is at home. and i need it. i NEED You Jesus. i need You to come through. i'm failing. discouraged. broken. alone.

it's so hard to set an example. i'm stuck on the speck in my brothers' eye. i feel so disrespected. but instead of letting Christ work, i continue to TRY to do it on my own.

well, thank the Lord for nights like tonight. times to break down. break down and be FREE. i can't do it. and that's such a freeing thing. i can't handle it, and that's okay. He wants to.

--

i need faith.

--

and the problem is this
we were bought with a kiss
but the cheek still turned
even when it wasn't hit

and i don't know
what to do with a love like that
and i don't know
how to be a love like that

when all the love in the world
is right here among us
and hatred too
and so we must choose
what our hands will do

where there is pain
let there be grace
where there is suffering
bring serenity
for those afraid
help them be brave
where there is misery
bring expectancy
and surely we can change
surely we can change
something

and the problem it seems
is with you and me
not the Love who came
to repair everything

where there is pain
let us bring grace
where there is suffering
bring serenity
for those afraid
let us be brave
where there is misery
let us bring them relief
and surely we can change
surely we can change
oh surely we can change
something

oh, the world's about to change
the whole world's about to change

--

i don't know how to be a love like that.