breaking down the box.

abandoning expectations. [3]


Expectation: an expectant mental attitude; assumption; presumption; speculation.

Like feeling the need for control, expectations are part of being human.

What if we were to abandon all expectations we have which glorify ourselves, and dwell only on expectations of the Lord which He calls us to?

In my mind, there are two categories of expectations:

Self-glorifying.

God-glorifying.

By having expectations of anyone or anything outside of God’s glory, we are setting ourselves up for struggle. Expectations can be destructive.


Self-glorifying expectations are those that we have of others, ourselves, man’s creation, and sometimes even of God. These expectations are those that bring disappointment or hurt when they are not met.
We expect others to meet our needs. We expect others to get things done. We expect others to understand us. Sometimes we even expect others to misunderstand us because of our past wounds.

From ourselves we sometimes expect perfection. We expect ourselves to be super-spiritual. We expect ourselves to complete assignments as asked. We may have low expectations of ourselves which cause depression and complacency.

Sometimes we expect God to do things a certain way. We expect Him to do things the way we ask when we ask for them. We expect God to bring healing, we expect God to provide. The thing about these expectations of God is that they are not necessarily wrong. God calls us to expect big things from Him. Whether we’re expecting Him to do things our way or not is what makes these expectations of the Lord wrong or right.


How are we to exchange our self-glorifying expectations for God-glorifying ones? Is it possible?

We must understand the type of expectations which bring Him glory.

Psalm 5:3 . . . In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation.

Are the expectations of the psalmist here expectations that the Lord isn’t honored by? No, they show an understanding of His power. The psalmist prays, “Lord, I know you can grant my request.” I doubt the psalmist would find disappointed if the Lord said no, or didn’t answer at all. If he trusted that God can hear his voice, and that God can grant his requests, would he not also trust the Lord to do things His way, in His time?

Philippians 1:20 . . . I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death.

Paul expected these things of himself, not because it would please others, or bring himself glory, but instead because it would glorify the Lord.

A God-glorifying expectation.


Once, I was listening to a “message on tape” by Kay Arthur of Precepts Ministries International. Kay said something that has stuck with me, and has become a practice of my own. She told a story about going through her Bible challenging God’s promises, “You said You would do this, now do it.”

This is the kind of thing I believe the Lord wants from us. He wants us to dig into His Word when we need answers. He wants us to say, “Lord, you promised you would answer to those who love you, so answer me.” The Lord will fulfill His promises.

Our God is a God of promises. And he keeps them.

Expecting Him to fulfill those promises is trusting Him. It is understanding who He is, and the power He has, thus removing Him from the limits and lines we draw around Him.


We expect promises to be broken. Why? Because all of the promises that we can think of have been broken. They are promises made by men.

There is sanctity to the Lord’s character. In the Lord’s promises. We not only can, but we should expect Him to keep His promises.

We cannot hold expectations of others, ourselves, or anything man made.

We can hold God-glorifying expectations of the Lord, because He will fulfill His promises, for His own glory.


Having expectations of others destroys relationships. I’ve learned the hard way. Expectations in relationships destroy us and they destroy the other person or persons involved. Why? Man will never meet our expectations; he will never fill our void.

Man is fallen. Man is broken. Man is weak.

Man cannot do anything on his own. Yet, we so often expect others to meet our needs. Whether emotionally, physically, et cetera.

We go to person after person, whether it be a friend or someone of the opposite sex. We even go from object to object, or situation to situation. No matter how amazing a person, no matter how “satisfying” an object, or how wonderful a job, sooner or later these things fail. And when they fail, destruction occurs.

We expect these things to meet our needs, and when we get what we think we need, there is still a void.

The Lord is the only One who can fill that void. Yet we still have expectations that others will fill it for us.


When we have low expectations of people, we’re limiting God’s power in their life. We are believing that the Lord cannot change their hearts.

When we have high expectations of people, we’re expecting things which they cannot provide.

When we expect of the Lord, we’re showing trust, believing truth, and understanding the power and authority He has over all things [Ephesians 1:22> And God placed all things under His feet and appointed Him to be head over everything].


I’ve discussed some of my wounds. I’ve discussed how easy it is for me to love others, but I struggle with loving myself. I also struggle greatly with letting others love me. Because I’ve grown up so independently, I have trouble letting others help me. It’s very difficult for me to open up to others, and trust is one of my biggest issues.

Or, it was.

The Lord has used a couple people to change that in my life. People to prove me wrong, when I expected to be hurt. One to give me a constant shoulder to cry on, and another to show me unconditional love, expecting nothing in return.

I lost all three best friends in one year. I had deep, intimate, real relationships with these three. Two girls and one guy. These relationships built me up. They encouraged me. They kept me going.

Finally after three or four years of these incredible relationships, expectations sprouted. The three of my friends were not meeting my expectations. From the girls, I expected them to understand me, the fact that it was hard for me to open up. I expected them to know what I was thinking and drag my thoughts out of me. From the guy, I expected him to agree with me on what was “best” for us. I expected him to remain my friend after I hurt him. They all failed to meet my expectations.

Or better stated, I failed. I failed by having expectations.

Having expectations of these friends destroyed our relationships. I lost the people that meant the most to me outside of my family. It was all because of expectations.

This loss caused me to shut down even more. It was even harder for me to trust. It was even harder for me to open up. These people said that we would always be friends. And now we weren’t. How could I trust people?

In the next couple of years following, the Lord brought two people along who displayed the love of Christ in a way I had never witnessed. One of them was the first person to see me cry over something emotional, she remains my best friend to this day.

The other, God has used to change my life. God has chosen him as His primary tool in making me the woman He has designed me to be.

When I began having expectations in this relationship, they were low. I expected him to walk away the moment I hurt him, because of my previous wounds. I expected him to shut me out of his life as soon as I struggled. But he didn’t.

God proved me wrong.

Proverbs 16:9 has always proved true in my life. “In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines His steps.” As I have mentioned, the moment I plan something, the Lord proves me wrong. And I had expectations that anyone I came in contact with would walk out of my life the moment they knew who I truly was.

As I said, God proved me wrong.

The first time I hurt him, he remained a close and loving friend. I hurt him again, and he stayed by my side. I pushed him away, but he didn’t let go.

It was God in him. It was God’s grace upon him. God’s love flowing through him. And God proved me wrong. My expectations were wrong.

These expectations brought hurt upon both of us.

I wasn’t trusting the Lord, because I wasn’t trusting people. I couldn’t be vulnerable. God used this person to change my heart. To teach me love. To teach me trust. To teach me vulnerability. To teach me how to work through struggle.

Through all of these relationship struggles, the Lord has taught me the sin in self-glorifying expectations.


High expectations of my three best friends destroyed our relationships. It brought extreme pain to myself. And extreme pain to each of them.
Low expectations in following relationships have also been destructive.

Praise be to God for the way He has brought healing in many relationships, and a new understanding of expectations.


When we have self-glorifying expectations, we are not living in love. Not letting God be God.

1 John 4:8 . . . Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.

Love is the chief characteristic by which we are to live.

Luke 6:35 . . . But love your enemies [and your friends], do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back.

Love shows no expectations.

Expectations limit love.

God is love.

Expectations limit God.