i keep thinking about what i deserve.

it's just hit me. now. here. in this mess. at age 19. what am i saved from? the list of sin is endless. but ultimately, hell. i hate hell. i hate when Christians talk about hell. i hate how it's used as a "fear factor." OH! IF I'M SAVED, I WONT GO TO HELL! YEAH! no. no matter what is next, after this life, it doesn't change how i live now. that has been my perspective. but maybe it does. maybe the fact that it has just hit me, IS going to change how i live.

i deserve hell.

and CHRIST took the shame. the blame. the pain. and because of my God's amazing grace...this "hell" here on earth is the worst i'll experience. i will never be without Christ. i will never experience separation from God. do -you- realize how freeing that is?

i've been breaking. again. as always. that's what growth is i suppose...well, that's what growth is. i know it. being broken, and being rebuilt, stronger, for one simple thing: my God's glory.

i have to be honest. i have never felt so alone as i have in these past couple of days. whether self-inflicted, or inflicted by others, i've been trapped. it took this misery tonight to remind me of Truth. i've been in tears for hours. my heart has been breaking. ive been in pain. i've felt like a failure. i've felt lost. i felt alone. then there is the whisper.

if i can find His strength, in my weakness, then His glory is accomplished. is that not my purpose?

so a couple things have clicked in my mind. but i'm still in a struggle. i'm in a mess. this world is a mess. my life, is a terrible mess. that's what i make of it. but He sees the beauty, and i'm learning to. it's easy to see at times, but can i see it in the little glory of the present? can i find joy and beauty in this horrid mess i'm trapped in currently? if He can, i can, IN HIM.

the Lord's divine nature has been given to me.
the LORD'S divine nature has been given to ME!

it can be hard to feel so small. yet so freeing. i am nothing. i am nothing without Him. but i have Him! and HE HAS SAVED ME!

If my God is for me, who can be against me?
that, my friends, is the question.