if you ever saw this, you would know.

"Oh, It Is Love" - Hellogoodbye.

Oh, it is love
From the first time I set my eyes up on yours
Thinking oh, is it love?

Oh dear
It's been hardly a moment
And you are already missed
There is still a bit of your skin
That I've yet to have kissed
Oh say please do not go
But you know, oh, you know that I must
Oh say I love you so
But you know, oh, you know you can trust
We'll be holding hands once again
All our broken plans I will mend
I will hold you tight so you know
It is love from the first
Time I pressed my hand into yours
Thinking oh is it love?

Oh, dear, it's been hardly three days
And I'm longing to feel your embrace.
There are several days
Until I can see your sweet face.
Oh say, wouldn't you like to be older and married with me
Oh say, wouldn't it be nice to know right now that we'll be
Someday holding hands in the end
All our broken plans will have been
I will kiss you soft so you know
It is love from the first
Time I pressed my lips against yours
Thinking oh is it love?

Your heart may long for love that is more near
So when I'm gone these words will be here
To ease every fear
And dry up every tear
And make it very clear
I kiss you and I know
It is love from the first
Time I pressed my lips against yours
Thinking oh is it love?

Oh it is love from the first
Time I pressed my lips against yours
Thinking oh is it love?

I kiss you and I know
It is love from the first
Time I pressed my lips onto yours
Thinking oh is it love?

breaking down the box.

a box broken down is still a box. [5]


I couldn’t tell you exactly how I got here.

I’m young. I’m a college drop out. I’m working full time at a bank. That’s not me.

Something put me here.

Someone put me here.

Something has done something to me.

Someone has done something to me.

A year ago, I wouldn’t ever have thought of writing a book. But given the time to slow down. Given the time to listen to the Lord. Given the time to open the Word. Given the time to let people in.

Jesus changed me.

He put something inside me.

He is the only explanation for what is being built. Who He is speaking through. Who He is writing through. It’s grace, for His glory.

Just as He has worked in my life and continues to make me a completely new person through His Holy Spirit, He longs to do the same for you.

Once He is removed from the box, and explored for who He is, you find out who He has made you.

I’ve gone into minor detail about who I have been. Hard. Independent. Selfish.

That’s my flesh.

I still fall into it at times. I still want to push people away. I still want to take control. I still sometimes strive for perfection and expect too much from myself.

There is freedom.

I’m no longer living.

But Christ is alive, in me.

By His perfect grace, my flesh is dead, and His Spirit lives.

Romans 8:2-3 . . . because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering.

Romans 8:9-11 . . . You, however, are controlled not by the sinful nature but by the Spirit, if the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he does not belong to Christ. But if Christ is in you, your body is dead because of sin, yet your spirit is alive because of righteousness. And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit, who lives in you.


Are you ready to let go of control?

Are you ready to expect from only the Lord?

Then and only then will you become who God had created you to be. You will find freedom in Christ. God will be God, and become Lord of your life.

This is living in the Lord’s will.

This is walking to the edge of the cliff. Throwing everything you have over the edge, then throwing yourself over, and trusting that the Lord will catch you. Not having to know when or where.

Believe that He will.


Who does God want you to be? The Word spells it out for us. Clearly.

Who has God created you to be? That is what He wants to reveal to you. He demands glory. The best way you can glorify Him is by removing Him from the box.


The box can be broken down. But what do we do with it. It’s still there.

It’s still a box.

We have to be careful not to open it.

That’s the warning.

Anything we place in the box is what we long for control over. What we have expectations of. What we idolize. What come between us, and who God truly is.


Psalm 90:8 . . . You have set our iniquities before You, our secret sins in the light of Your presence.


Psalm 90:17 . . . May the favor
of the Lord our God rest upon us;
establish the work of our hands for us—
yes, establish the work of our hands

breaking down the box.

recognizing mortality. [4]


We have discussed the two main reasons for placing God in a box.

The need for control.

Setting self-glorifying expectations.

But how does a god in a box affect you?

What is so wrong with taking Him out when you want Him?

Isn’t it easier that way?


Why is it that we always think and live like God wants to make our lives easy?

He isn’t a genie in a bottle, and He isn’t a god in a box.

Was the life of David easy? No, and he was a man after God’s own heart.

Was the life of Jesus easy? No, and He was God’s own Son!

Was the life of Paul easy? No, and he was a man strong in relaying God’s Word.

Christians are not called to an “easy” life.

I think its best put in a song by Ginny Owens.

“It may not be the way I would have chosen, when you lead me through a world that's not my own. But You never said it would be easy; You only said I'll never go alone.” –Ginny Owens, If You Want Me To

There is truth to this statement.

“You only said I’ll never go alone.”

Hebrews 13:5 . . . God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”

We will never be alone.

He is always by our side. If we free Him from the box.

Though we’re not alone, and we have the God who makes all things possible by our side, does that make our lives easy? I doubt any of us would raise our hand to that.

If anything, our lives are only harder.


Most times when things get hard, we then turn to Jesus. We rub the magic lamp and hope that our genie in a bottle or god in a box will pop out and make all our problems, struggles and failures disappear.

It doesn’t happen that way.

Then we blame God, because He hasn’t been the “god” we need, and we put the lamp away, we shove Him back into a box.

Why do we think that God has failed us if we struggle?

Why do we believe we’re alone if we don’t hear answers or see change?

Sometimes we think we’re listening when we’re not. Sometimes we put our ear right up to that blasted box, yet we still don’t hear a sound.

Why? God isn’t in there.

That thing we have created is in there.

God has been placed where He doesn’t belong.
We’re not going to get anywhere by relying on something we ourselves have created.


Recognizing my mortality is uncomfortable at times. Recognizing that I still think that I deserve an easier life with fewer problems, simply because Jesus is on my side. Recognizing that I still want to be in control. Recognizing that my self-glorifying expectations remain.
Painful realization. That’s not fun. It’s humbling. It hurts. Honestly, it makes me feel terrible about myself.

That’s when I go to my box. I pull that “thing” out. I confess where I have been. But because of my limited ability to think, because of my mind that can only think with boundaries, the truth is that thing will do me no good.


What is the point of recognizing why I place God in a box?

I have a need for control. I have countless self-glorifying expectations. Why is understanding that so important?

It shows me the only truth that gives me a hope of releasing God from the box.
I am not God.

And that thing inside the box, it is not God either.

He cannot be created. There is no other “version” of Him.

I will fail. I am man. I am fallen.

That is a constant reality check.

I would like to say that we can remove God from the box we have created, and see Him for who He truly is, but the truth is: it will always be a struggle.

We will always fall back into needing control.

We will always start expecting things wrongly of others, ourselves, and God.

We will always fail and life will not ever be easy.

So where is the hope? What is truth?

We are not alone. The Lord will not leave or forsake us. Others are in this constant struggle as well.

As we face temptation to fall, we have to remember that Christ faced the same temptation as well.

Then when we fall, and realize we are not God, we are not Christ; we can remember who He is. Who we are not, but who He is.

That’s what is beautiful about falling. God is glorified. When we are humbled, He finds glory.

That breaks down a wall. That opens up the box. The box is still there, but it’s beginning to be broken down.

Getting to know who God is begins to free Him. It begins to free us. Free us from failure, and free us from selfishness. Life slowly changes and is no longer about us, but about glorifying Him.

Is that not our purpose?

Is our God not one of extreme praise-worthiness?

Should we not live life on our knees before Him?

Sure they get tired, and sometimes we get up, but can we begin to give God glory, even in our walking?

How do we do that? We simply recognize that we have failed, are failing, and will continue to fail. We need God.

That lets God be God.

That breaks down the box.


That brings me back to the original question, How does God in a box affect you?

Ultimately, if the box isn’t being broken down, if you aren’t releasing control, and abandoning expectations, if you are not recognizing your own discredit, you’re living luke-warm. If you’re not jumping into the struggle, you’re remaining stagnant. If you’re not reaching for change, you will never begin maturation. You will never live a life which brings God glory.

God calls us to growth.


Paul is one of my favorite examples of growth and change. Going from Saul, an atheist, to a change of names, Paul, the Lord’s servant.

In Philippians Paul tells of his strategy for growth.

Philippians 3:12-13 . . . Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead.

Paul decides to recognize his mortality, “Not that I have already been made perfect,” and strain toward what is ahead.

Growth in Christ is part of getting to know Him. When you grow, you begin to looking like Him.

Beginning to live like Christ is not becoming religious. Or trying to look perfect.

Living like Christ is something that happens only when the Lord performs a work inside of you.

But we must be willing to [as we’ve thought about] surrender control.

Romans 12:1-2 . . . So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.

Being willing is fixing your attention on Him. Obeying is responding quickly to what the Spirit calls you to. Knowing the Spirit and your calling comes from the change which God performs when you live like Jesus.

Living like Jesus is what happens when you let go, when you surrender. You are no longer yourself, but Christ is living through you.

2 Corinthians 5:17 . . . If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation, the old has gone, and the new has come.

Life was not easy for Christ, but He recognized that it shouldn’t be.

Romans 15:3 . . . [Jesus] didn't make it easy for himself by avoiding people's troubles, but waded right in and helped out. "I took on the troubles of the troubled," is the way Scripture puts it. Even if it was written in Scripture long ago, you can be sure it's written for us. God wants the combination of his steady, constant calling and warm, personal counsel in Scripture to come to characterize us, keeping us alert for whatever he will do next. May our dependably steady and warmly personal God develop maturity in you so that you get along with each other as well as Jesus gets along with us all. Then we'll be a choir—not our voices only, but our very lives singing in harmony in a stunning anthem to the God and Father of our Master Jesus!


My encouragement to you for growing in knowledge of Him, and growing in Him, is to let the Scripture come to “characterize” you. Let Him sing a stunning anthem through you.

In order for that to happen, you must choose to be in His Word. You must choose to study and memorize.

Let the Lord complete you.

When we let God work in us, move us, and mature us, again, it makes us recognize our mortality.

We are not God.

God is God.

The box is breaking.

breaking down the box.

abandoning expectations. [3]


Expectation: an expectant mental attitude; assumption; presumption; speculation.

Like feeling the need for control, expectations are part of being human.

What if we were to abandon all expectations we have which glorify ourselves, and dwell only on expectations of the Lord which He calls us to?

In my mind, there are two categories of expectations:

Self-glorifying.

God-glorifying.

By having expectations of anyone or anything outside of God’s glory, we are setting ourselves up for struggle. Expectations can be destructive.


Self-glorifying expectations are those that we have of others, ourselves, man’s creation, and sometimes even of God. These expectations are those that bring disappointment or hurt when they are not met.
We expect others to meet our needs. We expect others to get things done. We expect others to understand us. Sometimes we even expect others to misunderstand us because of our past wounds.

From ourselves we sometimes expect perfection. We expect ourselves to be super-spiritual. We expect ourselves to complete assignments as asked. We may have low expectations of ourselves which cause depression and complacency.

Sometimes we expect God to do things a certain way. We expect Him to do things the way we ask when we ask for them. We expect God to bring healing, we expect God to provide. The thing about these expectations of God is that they are not necessarily wrong. God calls us to expect big things from Him. Whether we’re expecting Him to do things our way or not is what makes these expectations of the Lord wrong or right.


How are we to exchange our self-glorifying expectations for God-glorifying ones? Is it possible?

We must understand the type of expectations which bring Him glory.

Psalm 5:3 . . . In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation.

Are the expectations of the psalmist here expectations that the Lord isn’t honored by? No, they show an understanding of His power. The psalmist prays, “Lord, I know you can grant my request.” I doubt the psalmist would find disappointed if the Lord said no, or didn’t answer at all. If he trusted that God can hear his voice, and that God can grant his requests, would he not also trust the Lord to do things His way, in His time?

Philippians 1:20 . . . I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death.

Paul expected these things of himself, not because it would please others, or bring himself glory, but instead because it would glorify the Lord.

A God-glorifying expectation.


Once, I was listening to a “message on tape” by Kay Arthur of Precepts Ministries International. Kay said something that has stuck with me, and has become a practice of my own. She told a story about going through her Bible challenging God’s promises, “You said You would do this, now do it.”

This is the kind of thing I believe the Lord wants from us. He wants us to dig into His Word when we need answers. He wants us to say, “Lord, you promised you would answer to those who love you, so answer me.” The Lord will fulfill His promises.

Our God is a God of promises. And he keeps them.

Expecting Him to fulfill those promises is trusting Him. It is understanding who He is, and the power He has, thus removing Him from the limits and lines we draw around Him.


We expect promises to be broken. Why? Because all of the promises that we can think of have been broken. They are promises made by men.

There is sanctity to the Lord’s character. In the Lord’s promises. We not only can, but we should expect Him to keep His promises.

We cannot hold expectations of others, ourselves, or anything man made.

We can hold God-glorifying expectations of the Lord, because He will fulfill His promises, for His own glory.


Having expectations of others destroys relationships. I’ve learned the hard way. Expectations in relationships destroy us and they destroy the other person or persons involved. Why? Man will never meet our expectations; he will never fill our void.

Man is fallen. Man is broken. Man is weak.

Man cannot do anything on his own. Yet, we so often expect others to meet our needs. Whether emotionally, physically, et cetera.

We go to person after person, whether it be a friend or someone of the opposite sex. We even go from object to object, or situation to situation. No matter how amazing a person, no matter how “satisfying” an object, or how wonderful a job, sooner or later these things fail. And when they fail, destruction occurs.

We expect these things to meet our needs, and when we get what we think we need, there is still a void.

The Lord is the only One who can fill that void. Yet we still have expectations that others will fill it for us.


When we have low expectations of people, we’re limiting God’s power in their life. We are believing that the Lord cannot change their hearts.

When we have high expectations of people, we’re expecting things which they cannot provide.

When we expect of the Lord, we’re showing trust, believing truth, and understanding the power and authority He has over all things [Ephesians 1:22> And God placed all things under His feet and appointed Him to be head over everything].


I’ve discussed some of my wounds. I’ve discussed how easy it is for me to love others, but I struggle with loving myself. I also struggle greatly with letting others love me. Because I’ve grown up so independently, I have trouble letting others help me. It’s very difficult for me to open up to others, and trust is one of my biggest issues.

Or, it was.

The Lord has used a couple people to change that in my life. People to prove me wrong, when I expected to be hurt. One to give me a constant shoulder to cry on, and another to show me unconditional love, expecting nothing in return.

I lost all three best friends in one year. I had deep, intimate, real relationships with these three. Two girls and one guy. These relationships built me up. They encouraged me. They kept me going.

Finally after three or four years of these incredible relationships, expectations sprouted. The three of my friends were not meeting my expectations. From the girls, I expected them to understand me, the fact that it was hard for me to open up. I expected them to know what I was thinking and drag my thoughts out of me. From the guy, I expected him to agree with me on what was “best” for us. I expected him to remain my friend after I hurt him. They all failed to meet my expectations.

Or better stated, I failed. I failed by having expectations.

Having expectations of these friends destroyed our relationships. I lost the people that meant the most to me outside of my family. It was all because of expectations.

This loss caused me to shut down even more. It was even harder for me to trust. It was even harder for me to open up. These people said that we would always be friends. And now we weren’t. How could I trust people?

In the next couple of years following, the Lord brought two people along who displayed the love of Christ in a way I had never witnessed. One of them was the first person to see me cry over something emotional, she remains my best friend to this day.

The other, God has used to change my life. God has chosen him as His primary tool in making me the woman He has designed me to be.

When I began having expectations in this relationship, they were low. I expected him to walk away the moment I hurt him, because of my previous wounds. I expected him to shut me out of his life as soon as I struggled. But he didn’t.

God proved me wrong.

Proverbs 16:9 has always proved true in my life. “In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines His steps.” As I have mentioned, the moment I plan something, the Lord proves me wrong. And I had expectations that anyone I came in contact with would walk out of my life the moment they knew who I truly was.

As I said, God proved me wrong.

The first time I hurt him, he remained a close and loving friend. I hurt him again, and he stayed by my side. I pushed him away, but he didn’t let go.

It was God in him. It was God’s grace upon him. God’s love flowing through him. And God proved me wrong. My expectations were wrong.

These expectations brought hurt upon both of us.

I wasn’t trusting the Lord, because I wasn’t trusting people. I couldn’t be vulnerable. God used this person to change my heart. To teach me love. To teach me trust. To teach me vulnerability. To teach me how to work through struggle.

Through all of these relationship struggles, the Lord has taught me the sin in self-glorifying expectations.


High expectations of my three best friends destroyed our relationships. It brought extreme pain to myself. And extreme pain to each of them.
Low expectations in following relationships have also been destructive.

Praise be to God for the way He has brought healing in many relationships, and a new understanding of expectations.


When we have self-glorifying expectations, we are not living in love. Not letting God be God.

1 John 4:8 . . . Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.

Love is the chief characteristic by which we are to live.

Luke 6:35 . . . But love your enemies [and your friends], do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back.

Love shows no expectations.

Expectations limit love.

God is love.

Expectations limit God.

breaking down the box.

surrendering control. [2]


The summer after my junior year I went to my church’s youth camp. The same youth camp which my church has attended for over a decade. Great Commission Ministries’ High School Leadership Training [HSLT] in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina.

This specific year the week was themed, “Surrender.” We received shirts reading, “I Surrender,” and each youth group involved designed their own “white flag.”

That was the first year I went to camp and didn’t get a “spiritual high” that dissipated within the next few weeks of returning home. This trip was not a “mountain top” experience.

That was the week when it hit me.

I had prayed and accepted Christ as a six year old. I gave my life to Him. Isn’t that what becoming a “Christian” is all about? Giving your life away? Why had I been living like my life was my own?

My life working up to that summer, I lived outwardly like a good Christian. I went to church 2 times a week. Every two weeks I attended a small group with a couple other girls my age. I wasn’t afraid to share the gospel. I was leading devotionals at school events. I mentored to younger girls on my Christian school’s cheerleading squad. I always set a good example. I probably appeared close to perfect.

I had been living like God was part of my life. And He was just that . . . a part of my life.

I wasn’t emotional. I had that under control. I was well liked and had plenty of friends. That was under control as well. I had a great job, making more money than anyone my age. Finances were under control. My grades were great. Parents were pleased. I had my life under control.

Wrong.

I had been living like God was a part of my life.

I had not been living like He was Lord of my life.

Simply because . . . He wasn’t.

God was another aspect of my life which I believed I had control over.


I always wondered why I was giving, giving, giving, then finally I would CRASH. I wondered why I was constantly physically and spiritually, and often socially and mentally drained.

It finally hit me at age seventeen, attending HSLT; I was living my life by my own strength. Emotion took over, and the week was incredibly humbling. I left feeling weak and broken, but it was the beginning of a growing experience. God was beginning a maturing process inside me. He was beginning to grow me up into a woman, the woman He had already created me to be.


I finally surrendered control to God, and I finally understood what that meant. It meant that when I returned home, I had to surrender my life again. And the next morning, once again. And repeat. I finally understood that giving up and letting go was a moment-by-moment necessity in my spiritual walk.

From that point on, my relationship with the Lord became real. I started experiencing the Father in a whole new way. He revealed Himself to me like I had never seen before. I realized that the god which I had been “following” before was not the same God I now knew. Not at all. The old god whom I “followed” was a limited, defined god which I had created based off of different truths I had seen and heard.
This new God was exciting and powerful. I began to see the vastness of His character.

Now notice I said, “Based off of truths.” I was exposed to truth, yet my primitive faith was something I created. It was not a change of heart which the Lord had placed inside of me.


There are certain aspects of life which are harder to surrender than others. Something we must understand is that those aspects differ from person to person, situation to situation and from circumstance to circumstance.

For many people, the hardest thing to surrender is their love life.

For others, their pride.

Some people struggle most with surrendering their insecurity.

Whatever the struggle, why do we believe we can’t let go? Or is that that we believe we shouldn’t let go?

I couldn’t let go of control in my life, because subconsciously, I thought that God didn’t want to handle my life. He didn’t want to handle me. For some people, they believe that God can’t handle their lives. He can’t handle who they are.

That brings us back to the box.

Not surrendering control over your life limits God. Limits your experience of Him.

Thinking God doesn’t want to deal with you, or doesn’t want to bear your burden is going against who He is. You’re deciding for God. You’re deciding something about Him that contradicts truth.

Thinking that God can’t take care of you is different but it has the same result. Contradicting truth, and placing God in a box.


How do you surrender to the Lord? The box has to be opened and the walls must be torn down.

If you struggle with believing the Lord wants to switch yokes, you have to grow in understanding of who you are in Him.

If you struggle with believing in the power He holds over all things, you have to grow in understanding of who He is.

Maybe you struggle with both?

I think to a degree, we all do.


Who are you in Him?

John 1:12 states that you are His child.

John 15:15 states that you are His friend.

Romans 5:1, you have been justified.

1 Corinthians 12:27, you are a part of Christ’s body.

You’re chosen by Him, Ephesians 1:4.

Colossians 2:10 says that in Him you are made complete. That’s huge.

Romans 8:1, you are free from condemnation.

2 Timothy 1:7, you have a Spirit of power, not fear.

1 Corinthians 3:16, you are His temple!

This is exciting stuff. And the list continues. Digging into His Word is the best way to grow in understanding of how the Lord views you. His Word is Truth.
Truth.

Matthew 11:28-30 . . . "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Zephaniah 3:17 . . . The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.

You are the creator’s creation. He cherishes you. Every aspect of you.


The journey of learning who I am in Christ began with a book. And surprisingly not the Bible [another example that God does things in different ways].

The book is titled Captivating, written by Stasi and John Eldridge. This book is designed to help women understand the elements of God’s character which He has placed uniquely in them, as opposed to men. John also wrote another book, Wild at Heart, directed to men for the same purpose.
The Lord used Captivating to reveal to me a side of myself which no matter how hard I try, I cannot escape.

And prior to this reading experience [and even now at times] I was constantly trying to escape.

Despite the lies to myself and others, I am a woman at large [No, I didn’t tell others I was a man]. With being a woman comes certain characteristics, characteristics that prior to reading the book I viewed as curses. I refused to be “female.”

I rebelled against emotion.

I refused to have a desire for attention.

I tried to avoid drama.

I didn’t want to be a “dumb girl.”

As a side note, I must to explain to you what I mean by being a “dumb girl. Short story, which will easily explain my aversion to being “female,” or what I have so arrogantly deemed as female.

My oldest brother [four years older than I] was the first in my family to go to public school. He started in 5th grade, and from then on until high school graduation, he was a stud. I’m talking major “hottie.” He was athletic, intelligent, friendly, and incredibly good looking. He was captain of the varsity soccer team from sophomore year until he graduated. He was Homecoming King, Mr. Woodstock High School, he would have been crowned Prom King if it weren’t for the school rule against being “triple-crowned.”

Well of course the girls flocked. There wasn’t a girl who didn’t want Benjamin’s attention. I liked a few of them, but the “dumb girls” definitely outnumbered the ones whose existence I enjoyed.
I once walked into his room to ask him a quick question and he was on the phone with his girlfriend at the time. I began turn and leave, when with panic on his face he frantically motioned to stop me. Without stopping to ask the girl [who I question to this day if he even knew her name] to hold on a minute, he covered the mouth piece.

“Emily, take the phone and just say, ‘mhm . . .’ or ‘yeah . . .’ every few minutes.” Then he handed me the phone. I thought he had to be kidding. But looking up to my big brother the way I did [and the way I do], I obeyed. 5-10 minutes later I handed the phone back to him. I was in shock. The “dumb girl” had talked and talked and talked. She didn’t for a moment even question if he was listening. She had not even noticed his absence. Or my presence.

It was at that moment, close to age 9, when I handed the phone back to my big brother, that I made a vow to myself. I would never be a self-absorbed bimbo with nothing to do but listen to myself talk. I wouldn’t be emotional. I wouldn’t be needy. I would never become this picture of what [in my mind] was “being female.”

Captivating opened my eyes to the fact that I am. I am a female. I desire to be beautiful. I desire attention. I desire to be loved.

Before, I was independent [in an unhealthy way]. I was beyond confident, and my confidence wasn’t found in Christ.

As I realized the characteristics I had and could not get away from, my first reaction was rough. I had become what I vowed I never would be.

I had emotions. I needed people? I had insecurities?

How could other people love someone so needy? How could people love someone emotional, someone insecure? I certainly couldn’t.

The bigger question was: how could God?

That was when the Lord began to reveal to me who I was in Him. The me that He saw.

After that process began, and I began to see that God loved me for being female, I now had to learn to love myself.


Loving other people has always come easy to me. But loving myself is one of my biggest struggles. Even as I continue to learn who I am in Christ, I still have a tendency to hold expectations of myself. Of perfection, and nothing less. Yet from others, I hold little to no expectations. I can accept and forgive without hesitation.

The Lord gave me a vision a couple years back which sparked some healing. It gave me a new view of myself.

In the vision I saw a girl. Beaten and battered. Bruised, cold, wet. She was sitting in a corner, in filthy clothing and her hair was a stringy mess. Her head was down on her knees and she was shaking slightly. I stood at a distance looking at her.

Immediately all I felt was compassion.
I loved her.

I wanted to be there for her. I wanted to comfort her. I wanted to listen. I wanted to take care. I wanted to provide. I wanted to help her.

I was curious. I slowly approached.

The girl hesitantly looked up. Her face was red, tear-drenched, her eyes were swollen and blood-shot. Yet there was something beautiful about her. In her vulnerability. Her humility. As I inched closer something hit me like a ton of bricks. It made my stomach drop. My mouth was dry.

It was me.

The girl, the broken, needy, beautiful girl I was approaching was me. And I loved her?

It was as if God was challenging me. If I had felt the love and compassion for her before I knew who she was, why should that change now? Why couldn’t I love myself?

For a moment I had loved myself. I loved that girl, no matter how needy. No matter how broken. She was beautiful in brokenness, beautiful in vulnerability. She was loveable.

That vision was another turning point in my understanding of love for and from the Lord. For the first time I felt a love for myself, simply because the Lord loved me.

This was me giving up control of who God was.

As I continued to grow, I couldn’t give God character, He was placing character within me.


For those of you who don’t struggle with how the Lord views you. Perhaps you struggle with how you view the Lord?

Who is God?

How do you view Him?

Is your view in line with who He is? With His limitless power? Or do you struggle with surrendering your life to Him because deep down you don’t believe that He can handle it?

Is your view of Him skewed?

God reveals His power to people in many different ways. He displays it extravagantly through His Holy Word. Beautifully through His hand-crafted creation. Brilliantly through miracles. Lovingly through relationships. Graciously through blessings.


In the past couple of months I’ve been doing a read-through of the Psalms. There are few things that have ever made me want to praise the Father for His power more than the psalmists’ book of Truth.

Repeatedly the psalmists tell of the Lord’s might, of His power, and how He alone is worthy of our praise.

Psalm 28:8 . . . The Lord is the strength of His people, a fortress of salvation for His anointed people.

The Lord is the Strength of all those saved. He has got to be strong, no?

Psalm 29 talks about the Lord’s voice. Simply His voice. In all It’s greatness.

It has control over all the waters. It is powerful. It is majestic. It breaks cedars. It strikes with flashes of lightning. It shakes the desert.

What kind of voice twists and shatters trees into pieces? What kind of voice has power over the oceans? Only the voice of God. The voice of someone with power beyond our comprehension.

Psalm 33:8-9 . . . Let all the earth fear the LORD; let all the people of the world revere Him. For He spoke, and it came to be; He commanded, and it stood firm.

Do you fear the Lord?

Fear of the Lord comes with understanding who He is. The power He holds. The control He has. The strength He contains. The comfort He gives. The forgiveness He bestows. The grace He gifts. The peace which He is.

Letting go because He is in control is important. You must realize your plans for your life, your plans for your relationships, your plans for your attitude, decision making process, finances, will fail, and only His plans will come to be.

Psalm 33:10-11 . . . The LORD foils the plans of the nations; He thwarts the purposes of the peoples. But the plans of the LORD stand firm forever, the purposes of His heart through all generations.


I’ve been considered odd because of my love for transcendental writing. Thoreau, Emerson. Fantastic. It’s all about the looking inward and the extreme elevation of nature.

There is a large element of truth to it. Nature should be elevated.

God’s creation is a perfect, vivid, tangible example of His power.

Look out a window. Better yet, step outside. Just be quiet. Close your eyes. Breathe in a deep breath and slowly release it. No matter how hot, or how cold it may be, it’s beautiful. You cannot argue with that.

Look at the intricacy of a leaf, or the miniature world before you when you look closely at your grass. Get down on your knees and take a look. There is more to your yard than green strands [or brown if you live in GA] peeking out of the dirt, though, even that is marvelous!

The importance of surrendering your life to the Lord is not something that I or anyone can convince you of. It’s something you have to claim.

Understanding of His power isn’t something that you can be taught. It’s something the Lord must demonstrate to you. It’s something He will open your heart to, something He will open your eyes to.
My challenge to you is this. Look a little closer at His creation. Dig a lot deeper into His Word. Count your blessings. Think back to how prayers have been answered and His plan has come together.

The Lord is worthy of control.

The Lord has control.

That should be enough. Once it is, the box will begin crumbling.


Relinquishing control is the most difficult battle we have to fight as Christians. The battle is so much more than we see.

We are not the only ones at war.

There are spiritual battles going on all around us. At this very moment the Lord’s warriors are fighting demons for your attention.

Surrender is giving up and allowing the Lord to fight your battle.

breaking down the box. chapter 1.

breaking down the box. [1]


Multifaceted. Adj. Having many faces or aspects.

Is that a word you use or hear used to describe the Lord? Often? It should be.

I habitually find myself forgetting how comprehensive my God is. And He is.

It is so easy to place our loving God in a box, is it not? It’s so easy to give Him limitations based off of our limited minds. It is simple to say that God handles situations like this in this way. And situations like that, He treats that way.

We often put Him in a box so that we can feel that we understand Him. So that we feel like we know what He is doing. But is that right? Do we really know what He is doing?


God, our Father in Heaven, Savior to those who accept Him, has many names. Jehovah. Adonai. Yahweh. Judge. Shepherd. Stone. I am. Christ. Alpha and Omega. Life Giver. Governor. Priest. These are only a few. The Almighty Lord, Creator of the earth has many faces. Many characteristics.

Romans 1:8 . . . “I am the Alpha and Omega,” says the Lord God, “who is, who was, and who is to come, the Almighty.”

Is it fair to say that this God with so many faces, this God from beginning to end, this God who has the power to appear, communicate, and love in so many different ways, is it fair to say He will only do things one way? A certain way? The way we expect Him to?

There are many people who have seen the Lord work miraculously and heal someone’s physical body instantly. Others have watched their husbands, wives, grandparents, children, and friends sit in a hospital, sick or in pain, for months at a time before the Lord brings healing. Still others have watched their love ones suffer until death.

Is that to say those whose loved ones sat in a hospital do not believe the Lord can heal instantly? No.

Is that to say the Lord loves some people more than others? No.

It’s to say the Lord chose to do things differently. According to His perfect plan. Working all things together for the good of those who love Him [Rom. 8:28].

God designed women to conceive children through intercourse, yet He sent His own Son through a virgin.

Matthew 1:23 . . . "The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel"—which means, "God with us."

He chose to do things differently. In order for His perfect plan to play out, for the good of those who love Him, he chose to do things differently.

God’s Son is Christ, a King. Even throughout the Bible kings over nations were born with riches, adorned in gold and silver, lived in palaces . . . but Christ, a King, The King, God’s one and only Son, was born in a stable, to parents who were told that there was no room for them in the inn. Was that royal treatment?

God sometimes chooses to do things differently. Very differently.

There is a degree of mystery which embodies the Lord that we must accept in order to remove Him from the box which we have created. The box we have placed Him in. The box that puts us in control.

We must begin to break down this box in order to truly experience an intimate and genuine relationship with our Lord.


Do you know my mother? Most likely not. If you don’t, she is a stranger to you. If you do, you may know her well or you may have only met once. If you know her well, she is your friend. If you have only met once, you are acquaintances. But for me, she is my mother. She is one of my best friends.

My relationship with her differs from yours. And I imagine my father, her husband of nearly 26 years, has a very different relationship with her than either of us does.

Does that change who my mother is? Not at all. We each experience a different relationship with her. We all see different sides of her, different characteristics. This doesn’t mean that my mother is a chameleon and chooses to be different around you than she chooses to be with me. She may be shy around you because that is her personality around strangers. But if you know her better, you would not expect her to be shy . . . in the least bit.

Our relationships with her are different.

Our relationships with the Lord are different as well. This doesn’t change who our God is, but only how we experience Him. You may have known him well, ever since your childhood fifty years ago. But I was saved as a child and I have only truly known Him and experienced a relationship with Him for the past 4-5 years.

He may be a Father to you, because yours isn’t around. He may be your best friend because you struggle socially. He could be someone whose existence you struggle to admit to at times. A relationship with Him could be a chore, or something your parents, friends, or spouse has pushed, or even forced upon you.

Does this change who He is? No. We each experience a different relationship with Him. We all see different sides of Him, different characteristics.

Once again, this is not to say our God changes.

Malachi 3:6 . . . “For I am the Lord, I do not change.”

Instead, He has the power to be a Father to the fatherless [Psalm 68:5], a closer Friend than a brother [Proverbs 18:24], and a righteous Judge [2 Timothy 4:8]. He is still God.


There are two chief reasons for our placing God in a box.

One. We want control.

Two. We have expectations.

These reasons work hand in hand at destroying the opportunity we are given to experience true intimacy with Christ our Lord.

Control says God can’t.

Expectations limit His power.

There is a vastness to our Savior which is to be taken a hold of. A mystery, a wonder, which we are to embrace.

Psalm 48:1 . . . Great is the Lord, and most worthy of praise.

Rob Bell, a pastor and major inspiration of mine, wrote in his book Velvet Elvis, “If there is a divine being who made everything, including us, what would our experiences with this being look like? The moment God is figured out with nice neat lines and definitions, we are no longer dealing with God. We are dealing with somebody we made up. And if we made him up, then we are in control.”

Everything we come in contact with has boundaries. Purposes. Definitions. Limitations.

Except for the Almighty.

Why is it that we insist upon giving Him boundaries?

Why is it that we feel the need to list His purposes?

Why is it that people demand a definite answer for anything spiritual?

Why must we give the Lord a limit to His power?

The answer is that limitations and boundaries are all we as humans know. They are all we can understand. People spend their entire lives working to improve their knowledge about different things, hoping to finally reach a place where there is nothing else to learn.

You will not ever get there.

That may be a new and humbling thought for you. Though, it may be something you’re completely aware of. If you’re aware of it, do you live like it?


Control.

Some of us are “control freaks” by nature. The type of people who are always heading up projects, whether they are asked to or not. Then there are the type of people who take control by dominating over others in conversation. There are the control freaks who are OCD about how a room looks when company is coming over. I know I’m guilty of each of these scenarios. And these are only a few.

Did you know that people who are not control freaks by nature are still control freaks when it comes to their relationships with others and with Christ as well?

Take a look at the most shy person you know. You wont ever see them dominating a conversation, or intimidating others by how much they can get done when they put their mind to it. But what about when you ask them a question about themselves?

Most often the shy people we know are closed off. They give short answers. Why? It’s a defense mechanism. A way of trying staying in control.

They react to Christ the same way they react to you. With a defense mechanism. A way of staying in control.

Letting go of the control you think you have over your life is what you’re doing when you accept Christ. When you “become a Christian” are you not giving your life over to Him? Does it not mean you are no longer your own?

Giving up control, unfortunately, as we well know, doesn’t just happen when we say that precious prayer. Instead, surrender to the Lord is a lifelong, difficult, every-moment-of-every-day process which we will struggle with until the day we see Jesus face to face.

That does not mean we should give up. This battle is one we must choose to fight. If we are to love the Father, embrace His multifacetness, and live a life of intimacy with Him, a heart that gives up control is necessary.

In order to relinquish control in your life, and hand it over to the Father, control isn’t the only thing you must let go of.


Expectations.

Next to having a need for control in life, the other thing that stuffs the Lord into a box, making Him into something not God at all are the expectations we hold.

We possess high expectations which we do not even realize that we have. We have expectations of ourselves. We have expectations of others. We have expectations of material things. And we have expectations of God. Whether these expectations of God are right or wrong depends what we’re expecting of Him. But the expectations that put Him in a box are those that cut Him short. Those that limit Him to only what we can imagine.

That is where the circle is completed.

We place God in a box ->

Why? ->

We need control ->

We have expectations ->

Where does God remain? ->

The box.

We must tear down the box which we have placed Him in. There will ne no understanding of grace, no growth or change without stepping back and letting God be God.

i keep thinking about what i deserve.

it's just hit me. now. here. in this mess. at age 19. what am i saved from? the list of sin is endless. but ultimately, hell. i hate hell. i hate when Christians talk about hell. i hate how it's used as a "fear factor." OH! IF I'M SAVED, I WONT GO TO HELL! YEAH! no. no matter what is next, after this life, it doesn't change how i live now. that has been my perspective. but maybe it does. maybe the fact that it has just hit me, IS going to change how i live.

i deserve hell.

and CHRIST took the shame. the blame. the pain. and because of my God's amazing grace...this "hell" here on earth is the worst i'll experience. i will never be without Christ. i will never experience separation from God. do -you- realize how freeing that is?

i've been breaking. again. as always. that's what growth is i suppose...well, that's what growth is. i know it. being broken, and being rebuilt, stronger, for one simple thing: my God's glory.

i have to be honest. i have never felt so alone as i have in these past couple of days. whether self-inflicted, or inflicted by others, i've been trapped. it took this misery tonight to remind me of Truth. i've been in tears for hours. my heart has been breaking. ive been in pain. i've felt like a failure. i've felt lost. i felt alone. then there is the whisper.

if i can find His strength, in my weakness, then His glory is accomplished. is that not my purpose?

so a couple things have clicked in my mind. but i'm still in a struggle. i'm in a mess. this world is a mess. my life, is a terrible mess. that's what i make of it. but He sees the beauty, and i'm learning to. it's easy to see at times, but can i see it in the little glory of the present? can i find joy and beauty in this horrid mess i'm trapped in currently? if He can, i can, IN HIM.

the Lord's divine nature has been given to me.
the LORD'S divine nature has been given to ME!

it can be hard to feel so small. yet so freeing. i am nothing. i am nothing without Him. but i have Him! and HE HAS SAVED ME!

If my God is for me, who can be against me?
that, my friends, is the question.