never once.

"never once did we ever walk alone

scars and struggles on the way, but with joy our hearts can say, 'never once did we ever walk alone. carried by Your constant grace. held within Your perfect peace. never once, no, we never walk alone.

every step we are breathing in Your grace. evermore we’ll be breathing out Your praise. You are faithful, God.'" -matt redman, never once

2 corinthians 12:9-10 . . . "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." therefore i will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. for the sake of Christ, then, i am content with weakness, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. for when i am weak, then i am strong.

2 corinthians 4:16-18 . . . so we do not lose heart. though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. for this light and momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not onto the things that are seen, but to the things that are unseen. for the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

1 john 4:9-10, 16-18 . . . in this, the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through Him. in this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins. so we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. by this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as He is so also are we in this world. there is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.

ephesians 3:14-21 . . . for this reason i bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of His glory He may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

God's work in my life right now is hard. it's real, but it's harder than ever. and the fruit is more joy. the fruit is stronger faith. the fruit is better relationships.

if God is for me, who can be against me? every moment i look back on, Christ Jesus's grace has been faithful. my Heavenly Father has been faithful. the Holy Spirit is faithful. at work. even now, in this dark cloud, this struggle, this hurt, this fear, this pain, God is good. working all things for our good. and drawing us closer to Him. closer to each other.

i'm pleased to be in a place where i need Him, despite any pain i may bear. i serve a faithful God.

--

I once was lost in darkest night Yet thought I knew the way The sin that promised joy and life Had led me to the grave I had no hope that You would own A rebel to Your will And if You had not loved me first I would refuse You still

But as I ran my hell-bound race Indifferent to the cost You looked upon my helpless state And led me to the cross And I beheld God’s love displayed You suffered in my place You bore the wrath reserved for me Now all I know is grace

Hallelujah! All I have is Christ Hallelujah! Jesus is my life

Now, Lord, I would be Yours alone And live so all might see The strength to follow Your commands Could never come from me Oh Father, use my ransomed life In any way You choose And let my song forever be My only boast is You

-Sovereign Grace Music, All I have is Christ

--

i can't even imagine trying to do life on my own.

hope.

faithful when i'm not. ageless. constant. unchanging. loving. tender like a father.

"all through the storm, Your love is the anchor. my hope is in You alone." -faithful one

i realize i'm not the only one in the storm. i realize others are battling. today, i take my eyes off myself for one second. and i'm so blessed.

depression is dark, a storm. depression makes you want to stay in bed. it drains your energy. it kills your immune system. it causes doubt. self doubt. doubt of those around you. depression makes it hard to concentrate. depression keeps you from sleeping. it causes unhealthy eating habits. in severe cases, depression will bring about thoughts of suicide, and even attempts.

depression is something that you don't understand unless you've been there.

hope [hohp] noun, verb. hoped, hoping.
the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best; to believe, desire, or trust.

found in only one place. Jesus Christ.

without Christ, i can't even imagine facing depression. without Christ i wouldn't be here. and so many others. by His grace. by His mercy. He turns mourning into dancing and removes the sackcloth and replaces it with gladness (psalm 30:11-12). i can testify.

there are many types of depression. medical and emotional, that caused by spiritual warfare. medically, depression is typically categorized as "major," "chronic," or "manic."

major (clinical depression): debilitating, dangerous, not caused by circumstances, medications or drug abuse. may reoccur.

chronic: lasting more than 2 years; less serious than major; usually will stick with you throughout your entire life, and may have bats of major depression as a symptom. can be characterized by a mood, also easy to hide.

manic: the low, in the battle of high and low for someone who suffers from bipolar disorder.

whether major, chronic, or manic, there is hope for those in the storm.

i strongly believe that king david suffered from depression. i believe that we can see his struggle though psalms. i believe the Lord healed him and that his response was joy. his response was vocal.

psalm 30:11-12 . . . You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; You have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, that my glory may sing Your praise and not be silent. o Lord my God, i will give thanks to You forever!

his glory was not silent.

a few years ago i came upon this verse. my heart was overwhelmed with joy. i had clarity for the reason behind my storm. i tattooed on my wrist david's prayer, "...and not be silent," challenging myself to share where i've been.

it's easy to share with people struggling. but i realize there are more struggling than my eyes are open to. i'm praying for boldness. i'm praying that the Lord reveal to me His purpose in the drive His hope has given me. i'm praying that others will find that hope, and they will proclaim as well.

i'm praying that your hope is in Christ alone. the Solid Rock. the Firm Foundation.

all storms are serious. whether it involves depression or not. every trial is a storm.

the rain is a promise. a promise that He loves me. a promise that He can call it off at any moment.

i have hope.

a heart of worship.

"we’ll enter in as the wedding bells ring
Your bride will come together and we’ll sing,
You’re beautiful."
phil wickham

revelations 22:17 . . . The Spirit and the Bride say, “come.” and let the one who hears say, “come.” And let the one who is thirsty come; let the one who desires take the water of life without price.

"there is still a longing in my heart."
"my soul Lord is thirsty, only You can satisfy, You're the well that never will run dry."
"all of my deserts are rivers of joy."
christy nockels

"my Lord, i did not choose You, for that could never be."
"i know that if i love You, You must have loved me first."
josiah conder

"when our hearts were far away, Your love went further still."
matt redman

psalm 111:1 . . . praise the Lord! i will give thanks to the Lord with my whole heart, in the company of the upright, in the congregation.

psalm 92:1 . . . it is good to give thanks to the Lord, to sing praises to Your name, o Most High.

psalm 95:3 . . . for the Lord is a great God, and a great King above all gods.

psalm 96 . . . oh sing to the Lord a new song; sing to the Lord, all the earth!
sing to the Lord, bless His name; tell of His salvation from day to day.
declare His glory among the nations, His marvelous works among all the peoples!
for great is the Lord, and greatly to be praised; He is to be feared above all gods.
for all the gods of the peoples are worthless idols, but the Lord made the heavens.
splendor and majesty are before Him; strength and beauty are in His sanctuary.
ascribe to the Lord, o families of the peoples, ascribe to the Lord glory and strength!
ascribe to the Lord the glory due His name; bring an offering, and come into His courts!
worship the Lord in the splendor of holiness; tremble before Him, all the earth!
say among the nations, “the Lord reigns! yes, the world is established; it shall never be moved;
He will judge the peoples with equity.”
let the heavens be glad, and let the earth rejoice; let the sea roar, and all that fills it; let the field exult, and everything in it!
then shall all the trees of the forest sing for joy before the Lord, for He comes, for He comes to judge the earth.
He will judge the world in righteousness, and the peoples in His faithfulness.

"i can't sing loud enough when i'm singing for You my God."
phil wickham

the Lord answers prayers.

i get so excited about seeing the Lord's promises alive in my life. He promises, when we ask we shall receive. He promises, when you seek wisdom you will find it.

-

a few weeks ago i started praying specifically for wisdom. not for any one thing, but for wisdom in general. the Lord pointed me to proverbs. proverbs, as we all know, speaks volumes on wisdom. proclaims the value of wisdom, being more precious than gold. it gives us nugget after nugget of wisdom itself. i began reading. and i see the Lord answering my prayer for wisdom. i see little bits of fruit alive in me. i see the Holy Spirit.

proverbs 8:19 . . . MY FRUIT IS BETTER THAN GOLD, EVEN FINE GOLD, AND MY YEILD CHOICE SILVER.

proverbs 8:35 . . . FOR WHOEVER finDS ME FINDS LIFE AND OBTAINS FAVOR FROM THE LORD.

I feel like much of proverbs should be in caps. wisdom screams from the pages. at least at me. it's one of those things i know i have no right to ignore. i know without a doubt in my mind the power of the Lord in the pages of the Word, the Holy Spirit, speaking, stirring in my heart.

prayers answered.

-

jack and i have been praying for months about a huge decision in our lives. we've prayed and spoken with each other. we've sought wisdom in the Word. the next step was council. always hard. always humbling. and i prayed hard about it. who to approach. how to approach it. for wisdom. for encouragement. for peace. for faith. and we sought council last night. and we heard wisdom. found encouragement. felt peace. had faith. God is so good.

our decision hasn't been made. and it'll still require more time and prayer, and wisdom, and council. and i'm at complete peace, with so much faith for the stirring God has placed inside us. whether to change us, change others, or lead us elsewhere.

we not have questions to ask ourselves, and a context in which to continue to pray and evaluate.

prayers answered.

-

my health has been messy. at this point, i want to say it's been messy forever. but i wont. only 6 years. headaches. migraines. stomach pain. kidney stones. muscle problems. surgeries. intestinal problems. back pain. depression.

i've been under the shield of a thousand prayers. i've done so much. diets. medications. massage therapy. chiropractics. physical therapy. sleep. exercise.

things have begun to change. first in my heart. second in my body. not complete, and not every day. but when your heart is healed, your body follows.

prayers answered.

-

the Lord answered prayers.

fear of man.

fear is something i've constantly struggled with. peace is something that Jesus Christ, the Prince of Peace has constantly given me. a peace that surpasses all understanding.

fear [feer] noun -
a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.

whether the threat is real or imagined.

in my case, there is no reason to fear. my chains are gone, i've been set free, my God, my Savior has ransomed me.

isaiah 41:10 . . . so do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

genesis 23:23 . . . fear not, for I am with thee, and will bless thee.

psalm 23:4 . . . even though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
i will fear no evil, for You are with me;
Your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

deuteronomy 1:21 . . . do not fear or be dismayed.

i face situations daily. in interactions with fellow believers. in conversations with my husband. in my thoughts. in my heart. even as i pray. i'm confronted my fear. i'm challenged. i'm tempted to be dishonest. i fall constantly into untrust. i lack faith.

Christ is real to me. His love. His saving grace. He has pulled me out if the pit, in all senses. He has saved me from ending my own life. He has loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness. He has replaced my mourning with dancing.

there's so many things i don't do or say because fear inhibits me. i stop myself from sharing scripture. i stop myself from speaking truth. i convince myself of things that are untrue.

though most of my life i've (in joining the "unique" bandwagon) i've tried to go against the grain. but it's all distorted, fallacious. where i will face trial or judgment, i'm like a fish. i may be swimming upstream, but so are all the other fish around me.

there are so many around me who will judge all things Christ proclaiming. Anyone who openly proclaims Christ is the object of scrutiny in so many of my circles. even "Christian" circles. for this reason i've withheld my heart. as the Lord has challenged me to openly encourage others, i've refused.

it hit me again today how much my fear of man influences my ability to share the gospel. not only share the gospel, but live it. anna bailey tweeted this morning a quote from priscilla shirer: "we must remember that sharing Jesus is supposed to be a way we live, not just something we do." i easily forget this. and i easily dismiss my calling to be a witness.

i have SEEN, i have heard. it took a long while, but the lyrics to brooke fraser's , "Albertine" finally registered.

"now that i have seen, i am responsible."

God's work in my life is obvious to me. It's probably obvious to other too. That's how my God works. He isn't subtle. He's large.

i pray for my fear of man to disintegrate. i pray only for the fear of the Lord. my Awesome God whose Word never fails, whose peace surpasses all understanding, whose power spoke all things into being, He alone is worth fearing.

i pray that i will proclaim the truth of Jesus Christ more. that i will speak with boldness. that i will testify to the grace He has placed on my life. to the mercy He showed in sparing me.

thank you to all of you who pin verses. to all of you whose facebook statuses show of the joy overflowing in your heart for the gospel. to those of you who tweet, over and over, TRUTH. continue it. despite any criticism. continue it. but also, LIVE IT. SPEAK IT. be bold. you're all in my prayers, and i'm encouraged my your hearts to see the message of Jesus Christ alive in our generation.

hi. :)

i feel timid. like my words aren't worth reading. it's odd to post something public for the world to see. of course, though there are so many eyes on the world wide web, more commonly today known as the internet, very few read the mind ramblings of numerous bloggers. i used to post daily. sometimes multiple times. writing was my way of releasing. and as an adolescent female, releasing my thoughts and emotions was mandatory to my sanity. even now in my adulthood, releasing my thoughts and emotions is necessary, but i've felt a resistance in the way i share. and i'm timid.

it's almost uncomfortable when it's something i haven't done in ages. i'm not a shy person...typically...

but i love writing. so i'm going to challenge myself to begin writing again. writing for the world to read. writing to stretch my imagination and thought process. writing to encourage. writing to entertain.

await in suspense.

God is so good.

i'm stuck in a state of awe. God's graciousness is SO real to me in this moment.

have you ever had one of those time where someone is on your heart and you have no idea why. and you can't do anything but pray and pray and pray for them? i couldn't sleep last night, and now i know why. and what's beautiful? because of that, i was able to encourage and love someone who needed it deeply. i was able to find joy. i was able to experience Christ.

You're beautiful, Lord.

romans 5:1-11 . . . therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. through Him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. more than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. for while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. for one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die— but God shows His love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. since, therefore, we have now been justified by His blood, much more shall we be saved by Him from the wrath of God. for if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of His Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by His life. more than that, we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.

psalm 145:14-21 . . . the Lord upholds all who are falling and raises up all who are bowed down. the eyes of all look to You, and You give them their food in due season. You open Your hand; You satisfy the desire of every living thing. the Lord is righteous in all His ways and kind in all His works. the Lord is near to all who call on Him, to all who call on Him in truth. He fulfills the desire of those who fear Him; He also hears their cry and saves them. the Lord preserves all who love Him, but all the wicked He will destroy. my mouth will speak the praise of the Lord, and let all flesh bless His holy name forever and ever.

glorify Your Name through me.

for the past month i've been home. a little over a month actually. the entire time, i've struggled continuously with pride, selfishness, and brokenness. while brokenness may be the best response to pride and selfishness, it seems to have taken some serious time for true conviction. i've continually gone to the Lord in confession and prayer. really, continuously. but for some reason, i allowed my heart to grow hard. my selfishness grew as i became almost bitter toward the Lord for not "fixing" me.

sunday brought conviction.

Jesus died on the cross. who did it glorify? God. CHRIST'S obedience brought His FATHER glory. i'm called to obedience, not for my own glory [which i've certainly had expectations of] but for the glory of my Father in Heaven. Christ was given the name Jesus, by the Father, because of His spectacular obedience. the Name above all names.

what is it that i am called to? what does "spectacular obedience" look like for me?

philippians 2:3-11. do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, Who, though He was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made Himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. and being found in human form, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. therefore God has highly exalted Him and bestowed on Him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

spectacular obedience means counting others more significant than myself. to the glory of the Father, not myself.

my prayers have been repetitive. but i'm realizing they will remain the same for life. i will always be needy. i will always be weak. i will always need the strength of God the Father for every action, thought, and word. i can't obey except for because of what has been done for me on the cross.

this song touched me. brought my heart out in words.

---------------

o great God - sovereign grace music

o great God of highest heaven
occupy my lowly heart
own it all and reign supreme
conquer every rebel power
let no vice or sin remain
that resists Your holy war
You have loved and purchased me
make me Yours forevermore

i was blinded by my sin
had no ears to hear Your voice
did not know Your love within
had no taste for heaven’s joys
then Your Spirit gave me life
opened up Your Word to me
through the gospel of Your Son
gave me endless hope and peace

help me now to live a life
that’s dependent on Your grace
keep my heart and guard my soul
from the evils that I face
You are worthy to be praised
with my every thought and deed
o great God of highest heaven
glorify Your Name through me

---------------

my plea.
help me now to live a life that’s dependent on Your grace.
help me now to realize my life IS dependent on Your grace. has been, and forever will be.
glorify Your Name through me.

Let me love.

1 corinthians 1:26-31 . . . brothers, think of what you were when you were called. not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. but God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before Him. it is because of Him that you are in Christ Jesus, Who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. therefore, as it is written: "let him who boasts boast in the Lord."

my weakness is truly becoming my joy. i'm so thankful to be in a place of need. anything i do is by the power of Christ. anything good, noble, right, is of Him. His strength, not my own.

it's apparent that on my own i am nothing. it's apparent that i am not "good." my nature is sin. yet i'm saved. now righteous. BY THE POWER OF CHRIST JESUS!

i'm so thankful for the current opportunity i have to be surrounded by unbelievers. my prayer is that my hear would be this, from 1 corinthians. that i would know what i've been saved from. that i would have no expectations of my peers to be moral, holy, or righteous. it's not in them.

Father, let me be an example. Let me be a light. Let me love.

remove the log in mine.

romans 2:1 . . . you, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things.

is it funny that being judgmental is a new temptation for me? in the past it's been so easy for me to love others [yet impossible to love myself]. it seems i've had a pendulum swing.

praise the Lord for a new day. for little victories.

Lord, let my heart match Yours. Lord, break me until i'm resting in Your arms. Let my words, thoughts, and actions imitate those of Your Son. humble me for Your glory.

show me Your heart. show me Your ways. show me Your glory.

what does your wake look like?

have you ever entered into a group of Christians, and rather than being encouraged, your broken down? there's something wrong with that picture, but it happens all the time.

in my own heart i'm praying to be broken down. that i would not enter in with a judgmental spirit, or a spirit of self-righteousness. i pray that the Lord uses me as an example, and that i may lead in serving and encouraging.

my heart is braking for the Christians i've been surrounded by. braking for them, and being broken by them.

i heard someone speak the other day on leadership. "it's a leader's responsibility to encourage his followers." that's the line that stuck out to me, and the line that tore at me. when i'm in a leadership position, am i encouraging those under my wing? that's what makes a true leader. like Jesus, we must come as servants. laying ourselves down.

it's sad how pride can destroy so powerfully, even in Christian circles. especially in Christian circle. i know i'm certainly victim, falling into pride and failing to serve and encourage.

paul, even in his place of wisdom beyond years had HUMILITY to match. this morning i'm encouraged by his spirit when longing to meet with fellow believers.

romans 1:11-12 . . . for i long to see you, that i may impart to you some spiritual gift to strengthen you— that is, that we may be mutually encouraged by each other’s faith, both yours and mine.

paul's desire matches the Lord's. his desire is to strengthen others, by the power given to him by the Father. he goes in hoping to be encouraged by others as well, not with a prideful spirit thinking only -he- will have an affect. his hope is to be affected.

i've been discouraged and broken down by my current circle. and i've allowed that to keep me from serving and encouraging my fellow believers in truth. in three days i'll be entering back into another circle, and for that, i'm blessed. i'm excited for the opportunity to bask in the Lord's grace and mercy and allow Him to shine through me.

for these last days on tour, it is my prayer than i can humble myself and serve. that i wont allow other's to control the living spirit within me.

i confess a judgmental heart, and i pray for a heart to love. a heart to love like He does. a heart to serve like He did. and wisdom and words to encourage every opportunity i get.

go out in faith!

surrender.

Psalm 25:1-11 . . . to You, o Lord, i lift up my soul. o my God, in You i trust; let me not be put to shame; let not my enemies exult over me. indeed, none who wait for You shall be put to shame; they shall be ashamed who are wantonly treacherous. make me to know Your ways, o Lord; teach me Your paths. lead me in Your truth and teach me, for You are the God of my salvation; for You i wait all the day long. remember Your mercy, o Lord, and Your steadfast love, for they have been from of old. remember not the sins of my youth or my transgressions; according to Your steadfast love remember me, for the sake of Your goodness, o Lord! good and upright is the Lord! therefore He instructs sinners in the way. He leads the humble in what is right, and teaches the humble His way. all the paths of the Lord are steadfast love and faithfulness, for those who keep His covenant and His testimonies. for Your name’s sake, o Lord, pardon my guilt, for it is great.

--as i wait, You make me strong
as i long, You draw me to Your arms
as i stand and sing Your praise
You come, and You fill this place

job 19:25 . . . i know that my Redeemer lives, and that in the end He will stand upon the earth.

that's all there is.

my mind has been racing today. so much going on in my head. my favorite place to be is when i can't make sense of anything, and there is nothing sound, but truth.

truth is that my Redeemer lives.
that i am redeemed.
that in the end, HE will stand upon the earth.
again.

i'm so over not loving one another.
how do i change?
Lord, change me.

better than thousands elsewhere...

colossians 1:9-12 . . . for this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. and we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please Him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to His glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully giving thanks to the Father, Who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light.

be strengthened with all power according to His glorious might! have great endurance and patience. joyfully give thanks to the Father.

joyfully giving thanks to my Father. that's where i'm at today. i've been in a hole the past few days. praying without ceasing, but simply because i was not making it on my own. i knew i couldn't. i was failing, falling quickly.

"but joyfully, through prayer and petition, present your requests to the Lord."

"turn Your ear to me, o Lord."

i called, You answered.
You came to my rescue.
i want to be where You are.

my soul longs, even faints for You.
for here my heart is satisfied,
within Your presence.


well, there is nothing better than the power of my Savior.

praise the Lord, for He is faithful.
His love endures forever!

respond to grace.

ephesians 1:5-8 . . . in love He predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of His will, to the praise of His glorious grace, with which He has blessed us in the Beloved. in Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace, which He lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight.

the riches of His grace, He has lavished upon us.

"take my will and make it Thine
it shall be no longer mine.
take my heart it is Thine own
it shall be Thy royal throne.
take my love, my Lord i pour
at Your feet its treasure store
take myself and i will be
ever, only, all for Thee.
take myself and i will be
ever, only, all for Thee.

here am i, all of me.
take my life, it's all for Thee."

what's your response?

well well well.

i haven't written in over a week. and i'm talking about more than blogging. i haven't done my thing, where i write pages and pages daily. there's something i want to write about, but i don't even know where to begin. i'm still speechless. wordless.

i'm engaged. surprise surprise! maybe not to you, but to me. it's a dream that is coming true, a dream i had completely given up on. it's incredible how the Lord works that way.

it's left me in awe. as i said, speechless. wordless. i want to tell you my heart, i want to explain to you my feelings, my excitement, the blessing of God's amazing grace which i'm experiencing. but i don't know where to start.

the story? it's short. simple. better than anything i could have imagined. it's crazy how it began, years and years ago. then nine days ago, began again. a new story. a new adventure.

i am marrying jack. high school sweetheart. the kid i met who i thought was too cool to be friends with me. the one who took me to senior prom. the one who i fell in love with while we were broken up. the one who walked through illness with me. the one who remained my friend when i broke his heart. the one who prayed with me through depression and attempted suicide. we're getting married.

under a tree in the middle of my city, he knelt down on one knee and said, "i am in love with you. i want to fight for you for the rest of my life if you say yes. will you marry me?" my dream moment, months before i was expecting it, but not too early, exactly what i needed that easter weekend.

my prayer was that the Lord would make it clear. that if jack was the one who could love me as Christ loves the church, that He would prove it.

boy, did he.

"i want to fight for you, for the rest of my life." does that boy know what i need, or what?

all the little things. like buying me real diamonds when i didn't want them, just to show me how much i mean to him, despite cost. like refusing to call me by name. the past year i've been praying for a man. someone to sweep me off my feet. to surprise me, prove to me, fight me, fight FOR me, and do things his way, in God's timing. God answered my prayers far beyond what i could have asked for or imagined.

since i was 14 years old i have been praying for, writing to, an imagining my husband. i've been planning my wedding day, asking the Lord to prepare me to be a wife. asking Him to write me a beautiful love story.

there is none more beautiful, more fitting for me, and for jack.

i'm in love. i fell in love almost 3 years ago. and the dreams the Lord called me to surrender to Him are now coming true.

the blessings in this life are beautiful. the blessing of love, of living life alongside someone else, BEAUTIFUL.

what's more beautiful?

the picture which this love represents. the greatest blessing in this life here on earth: salvation. the love which the Lord God, the Holy Spirit, the Son Christ Jesus, the HOLY TRINITY has for all of those who believe. the grace which allows us to live by faith, under no law, no condemnation, but FREEDOM.

Christ died on my behalf. on your behalf. and there is no greater love.

i'm excited about the adventure Jack and i are jumping into. this adventure to continue to learn how to love one another with the sacrificial love that Jesus Christ has shown us.

join me in prayer?

Beautiful One, i love You!

i knew it would happen.

philippians 2:1-12 . . . so if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though He was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made Himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. and being found in human form, He humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. therefore God has highly exalted Him and bestowed on Him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

i finally cried. on tour. hard.

praise the Lord for answering prayers. you pray to be humbled, to be broken, to be convicted, He does it. and it's a lot harder to handle than you planned. and then He does His thing. He comforts.

a 5 day break and short trip home couldn't have come at a better time. i'm ecstatic, to say the least, to be enveloped by people that give a rip. and i pray the love God has put inside them will refresh me, refresh me so i can come back and perhaps, love more.

if there is any encouragement in Christ.
any comfort from love.
any participation in the Spirit.
any affection and sympathy.

if there is. i know there is at home. and i need it. i NEED You Jesus. i need You to come through. i'm failing. discouraged. broken. alone.

it's so hard to set an example. i'm stuck on the speck in my brothers' eye. i feel so disrespected. but instead of letting Christ work, i continue to TRY to do it on my own.

well, thank the Lord for nights like tonight. times to break down. break down and be FREE. i can't do it. and that's such a freeing thing. i can't handle it, and that's okay. He wants to.

--

i need faith.

--

and the problem is this
we were bought with a kiss
but the cheek still turned
even when it wasn't hit

and i don't know
what to do with a love like that
and i don't know
how to be a love like that

when all the love in the world
is right here among us
and hatred too
and so we must choose
what our hands will do

where there is pain
let there be grace
where there is suffering
bring serenity
for those afraid
help them be brave
where there is misery
bring expectancy
and surely we can change
surely we can change
something

and the problem it seems
is with you and me
not the Love who came
to repair everything

where there is pain
let us bring grace
where there is suffering
bring serenity
for those afraid
let us be brave
where there is misery
let us bring them relief
and surely we can change
surely we can change
oh surely we can change
something

oh, the world's about to change
the whole world's about to change

--

i don't know how to be a love like that.

conversation.

psalm 34:1-3 . . . i will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth. my soul makes its boast in the Lord; let the humble hear and be glad. oh, magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt His name together!

together.
let us exalt His name together.

conversation is interesting.

i mentioned something in conversation two days ago, "my mom is really good at keeping conversation focused on truth." i hadn't realized that about my mom until it came out of my mouth. and i hadn't realized until i thought about it how much conversation ISN'T focused. i've some some incredible Christian influences in my life. even on the road, there are 12 other relationships with Christ. 12 other perspectives, backgrounds, and faiths. oh, what could i learn from focused conversation? how could i encourage? how can i be challenged?

i want to be good at focusing conversation on truth. i want to be good at challenging others to think. i want to be able to share my heart, be open about my relationship with the Lord.

these are all things i really need to grow in.

psalm.

psalm 33:20-22 . . . we wait in hope for the Lord; He is our help and our shield. in Him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in His holy Name. may your unfailing love rest upon us, o Lord, even as we put our hope in You.

psalm 25:4-5 . . . make me to know Your ways, o Lord; teach me Your paths. lead me in Your truth and teach me, for You are the God of my salvation; for You I wait all the day long.

i'm in one of my favorite places in the entire world tonight. looking out a window in front of me, and all i can see are other windows, of big, bright buildings. does it get better? only if the wind isn't blowing. oh chicago. it's funny to think where i was 7 months ago. i thought i was moving here. i thought i was leaving the world i knew at home, and leaving, on my own, for my life adventure in chicago. i thought i was leaving behind the life i thought i wanted, and was going to grow and move on. funny. every time i make plans, You change them.

psalm 33:10-11 . . . the Lord brings the counsel of the nations to nothing; He frustrates the plans of the peoples. the counsel of the Lord stands forever, the plans of His heart to all generations.

proverbs 16:9 . . . the heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.

thanks for establishing me steps.

there is no better place for me than right here. no place better i can ask for, or imagine. that's why i'm thankful for His way, not my own. the plans i had are NOTHING compared to the adventure i'm on now.

thanks Papa. :)