life in death.

hi. :)

2011-07-11T15:16:00.000-07:00

i feel timid. like my words aren't worth reading. it's odd to post something public for the world to see. of course, though there are so many eyes on the world wide web, more commonly today known as the internet, very few read the mind ramblings of numerous bloggers. i used to post daily. sometimes multiple times. writing was my way of releasing. and as an adolescent female, releasing my thoughts and emotions was mandatory to my sanity. even now in my adulthood, releasing my thoughts and emotions is necessary, but i've felt a resistance in the way i share. and i'm timid.

it's almost uncomfortable when it's something i haven't done in ages. i'm not a shy person...typically...

but i love writing. so i'm going to challenge myself to begin writing again. writing for the world to read. writing to stretch my imagination and thought process. writing to encourage. writing to entertain.

await in suspense.

2011-01-04T20:18:00.000-08:00

God is so good.

i'm stuck in a state of awe. God's graciousness is SO real to me in this moment.

have you ever had one of those time where someone is on your heart and you have no idea why. and you can't do anything but pray and pray and pray for them? i couldn't sleep last night, and now i know why. and what's beautiful? because of that, i was able to encourage and love someone who needed it deeply. i was able to find joy. i was able to experience Christ.

You're beautiful, Lord.

2010-08-09T12:50:00.000-07:00

romans 5:1-11 . . . therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. through Him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. more than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. for while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. for one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die— but God shows His love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. since, therefore, we have now been justified by His blood, much more shall we be saved by Him from the wrath of God. for if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of His Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by His life. more than that, we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.

psalm 145:14-21 . . . the Lord upholds all who are falling and raises up all who are bowed down. the eyes of all look to You, and You give them their food in due season. You open Your hand; You satisfy the desire of every living thing. the Lord is righteous in all His ways and kind in all His works. the Lord is near to all who call on Him, to all who call on Him in truth. He fulfills the desire of those who fear Him; He also hears their cry and saves them. the Lord preserves all who love Him, but all the wicked He will destroy. my mouth will speak the praise of the Lord, and let all flesh bless His holy name forever and ever.

glorify Your Name through me.

2010-07-05T18:34:00.000-07:00

for the past month i've been home. a little over a month actually. the entire time, i've struggled continuously with pride, selfishness, and brokenness. while brokenness may be the best response to pride and selfishness, it seems to have taken some serious time for true conviction. i've continually gone to the Lord in confession and prayer. really, continuously. but for some reason, i allowed my heart to grow hard. my selfishness grew as i became almost bitter toward the Lord for not "fixing" me.

sunday brought conviction.

Jesus died on the cross. who did it glorify? God. CHRIST'S obedience brought His FATHER glory. i'm called to obedience, not for my own glory [which i've certainly had expectations of] but for the glory of my Father in Heaven. Christ was given the name Jesus, by the Father, because of His spectacular obedience. the Name above all names.

what is it that i am called to? what does "spectacular obedience" look like for me?

philippians 2:3-11. do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, Who, though He was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made Himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. and being found in human form, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. therefore God has highly exalted Him and bestowed on Him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

spectacular obedience means counting others more significant than myself. to the glory of the Father, not myself.

my prayers have been repetitive. but i'm realizing they will remain the same for life. i will always be needy. i will always be weak. i will always need the strength of God the Father for every action, thought, and word. i can't obey except for because of what has been done for me on the cross.

this song touched me. brought my heart out in words.

---------------

o great God - sovereign grace music

o great God of highest heaven
occupy my lowly heart
own it all and reign supreme
conquer every rebel power
let no vice or sin remain
that resists Your holy war
You have loved and purchased me
make me Yours forevermore

i was blinded by my sin
had no ears to hear Your voice
did not know Your love within
had no taste for heaven’s joys
then Your Spirit gave me life
opened up Your Word to me
through the gospel of Your Son
gave me endless hope and peace

help me now to live a life
that’s dependent on Your grace
keep my heart and guard my soul
from the evils that I face
You are worthy to be praised
with my every thought and deed
o great God of highest heaven
glorify Your Name through me

---------------

my plea.
help me now to live a life that’s dependent on Your grace.
help me now to realize my life IS dependent on Your grace. has been, and forever will be.
glorify Your Name through me.

Let me love.

2010-06-03T05:31:00.000-07:00

1 corinthians 1:26-31 . . . brothers, think of what you were when you were called. not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. but God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before Him. it is because of Him that you are in Christ Jesus, Who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. therefore, as it is written: "let him who boasts boast in the Lord."

my weakness is truly becoming my joy. i'm so thankful to be in a place of need. anything i do is by the power of Christ. anything good, noble, right, is of Him. His strength, not my own.

it's apparent that on my own i am nothing. it's apparent that i am not "good." my nature is sin. yet i'm saved. now righteous. BY THE POWER OF CHRIST JESUS!

i'm so thankful for the current opportunity i have to be surrounded by unbelievers. my prayer is that my hear would be this, from 1 corinthians. that i would know what i've been saved from. that i would have no expectations of my peers to be moral, holy, or righteous. it's not in them.

Father, let me be an example. Let me be a light. Let me love.

remove the log in mine.

2010-05-23T08:45:00.000-07:00

romans 2:1 . . . you, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things.

is it funny that being judgmental is a new temptation for me? in the past it's been so easy for me to love others [yet impossible to love myself]. it seems i've had a pendulum swing.

praise the Lord for a new day. for little victories.

Lord, let my heart match Yours. Lord, break me until i'm resting in Your arms. Let my words, thoughts, and actions imitate those of Your Son. humble me for Your glory.

show me Your heart. show me Your ways. show me Your glory.

what does your wake look like?

2010-05-22T09:14:00.000-07:00

have you ever entered into a group of Christians, and rather than being encouraged, your broken down? there's something wrong with that picture, but it happens all the time.

in my own heart i'm praying to be broken down. that i would not enter in with a judgmental spirit, or a spirit of self-righteousness. i pray that the Lord uses me as an example, and that i may lead in serving and encouraging.

my heart is braking for the Christians i've been surrounded by. braking for them, and being broken by them.

i heard someone speak the other day on leadership. "it's a leader's responsibility to encourage his followers." that's the line that stuck out to me, and the line that tore at me. when i'm in a leadership position, am i encouraging those under my wing? that's what makes a true leader. like Jesus, we must come as servants. laying ourselves down.

it's sad how pride can destroy so powerfully, even in Christian circles. especially in Christian circle. i know i'm certainly victim, falling into pride and failing to serve and encourage.

paul, even in his place of wisdom beyond years had HUMILITY to match. this morning i'm encouraged by his spirit when longing to meet with fellow believers.

romans 1:11-12 . . . for i long to see you, that i may impart to you some spiritual gift to strengthen you— that is, that we may be mutually encouraged by each other’s faith, both yours and mine.

paul's desire matches the Lord's. his desire is to strengthen others, by the power given to him by the Father. he goes in hoping to be encouraged by others as well, not with a prideful spirit thinking only -he- will have an affect. his hope is to be affected.

i've been discouraged and broken down by my current circle. and i've allowed that to keep me from serving and encouraging my fellow believers in truth. in three days i'll be entering back into another circle, and for that, i'm blessed. i'm excited for the opportunity to bask in the Lord's grace and mercy and allow Him to shine through me.

for these last days on tour, it is my prayer than i can humble myself and serve. that i wont allow other's to control the living spirit within me.

i confess a judgmental heart, and i pray for a heart to love. a heart to love like He does. a heart to serve like He did. and wisdom and words to encourage every opportunity i get.

go out in faith!

surrender.

2010-05-08T21:11:00.000-07:00

Psalm 25:1-11 . . . to You, o Lord, i lift up my soul. o my God, in You i trust; let me not be put to shame; let not my enemies exult over me. indeed, none who wait for You shall be put to shame; they shall be ashamed who are wantonly treacherous. make me to know Your ways, o Lord; teach me Your paths. lead me in Your truth and teach me, for You are the God of my salvation; for You i wait all the day long. remember Your mercy, o Lord, and Your steadfast love, for they have been from of old. remember not the sins of my youth or my transgressions; according to Your steadfast love remember me, for the sake of Your goodness, o Lord! good and upright is the Lord! therefore He instructs sinners in the way. He leads the humble in what is right, and teaches the humble His way. all the paths of the Lord are steadfast love and faithfulness, for those who keep His covenant and His testimonies. for Your name’s sake, o Lord, pardon my guilt, for it is great.

--as i wait, You make me strong
as i long, You draw me to Your arms
as i stand and sing Your praise
You come, and You fill this place

2010-04-29T14:56:00.000-07:00

job 19:25 . . . i know that my Redeemer lives, and that in the end He will stand upon the earth.

that's all there is.

my mind has been racing today. so much going on in my head. my favorite place to be is when i can't make sense of anything, and there is nothing sound, but truth.

truth is that my Redeemer lives.
that i am redeemed.
that in the end, HE will stand upon the earth.
again.

i'm so over not loving one another.
how do i change?
Lord, change me.

better than thousands elsewhere...

2010-04-17T09:49:00.000-07:00

colossians 1:9-12 . . . for this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. and we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please Him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to His glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully giving thanks to the Father, Who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light.

be strengthened with all power according to His glorious might! have great endurance and patience. joyfully give thanks to the Father.

joyfully giving thanks to my Father. that's where i'm at today. i've been in a hole the past few days. praying without ceasing, but simply because i was not making it on my own. i knew i couldn't. i was failing, falling quickly.

"but joyfully, through prayer and petition, present your requests to the Lord."

"turn Your ear to me, o Lord."

i called, You answered.
You came to my rescue.
i want to be where You are.

my soul longs, even faints for You.
for here my heart is satisfied,
within Your presence.

well, there is nothing better than the power of my Savior.

praise the Lord, for He is faithful.
His love endures forever!

respond to grace.

2010-04-14T05:05:00.000-07:00

ephesians 1:5-8 . . . in love He predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of His will, to the praise of His glorious grace, with which He has blessed us in the Beloved. in Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace, which He lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight.

the riches of His grace, He has lavished upon us.

"take my will and make it Thine
it shall be no longer mine.
take my heart it is Thine own
it shall be Thy royal throne.
take my love, my Lord i pour
at Your feet its treasure store
take myself and i will be
ever, only, all for Thee.
take myself and i will be
ever, only, all for Thee.

here am i, all of me.
take my life, it's all for Thee."

what's your response?

well well well.

2010-04-13T12:14:00.000-07:00

i haven't written in over a week. and i'm talking about more than blogging. i haven't done my thing, where i write pages and pages daily. there's something i want to write about, but i don't even know where to begin. i'm still speechless. wordless.

i'm engaged. surprise surprise! maybe not to you, but to me. it's a dream that is coming true, a dream i had completely given up on. it's incredible how the Lord works that way.

it's left me in awe. as i said, speechless. wordless. i want to tell you my heart, i want to explain to you my feelings, my excitement, the blessing of God's amazing grace which i'm experiencing. but i don't know where to start.

the story? it's short. simple. better than anything i could have imagined. it's crazy how it began, years and years ago. then nine days ago, began again. a new story. a new adventure.

i am marrying jack. high school sweetheart. the kid i met who i thought was too cool to be friends with me. the one who took me to senior prom. the one who i fell in love with while we were broken up. the one who walked through illness with me. the one who remained my friend when i broke his heart. the one who prayed with me through depression and attempted suicide. we're getting married.

under a tree in the middle of my city, he knelt down on one knee and said, "i am in love with you. i want to fight for you for the rest of my life if you say yes. will you marry me?" my dream moment, months before i was expecting it, but not too early, exactly what i needed that easter weekend.

my prayer was that the Lord would make it clear. that if jack was the one who could love me as Christ loves the church, that He would prove it.

boy, did he.

"i want to fight for you, for the rest of my life." does that boy know what i need, or what?

all the little things. like buying me real diamonds when i didn't want them, just to show me how much i mean to him, despite cost. like refusing to call me by name. the past year i've been praying for a man. someone to sweep me off my feet. to surprise me, prove to me, fight me, fight FOR me, and do things his way, in God's timing. God answered my prayers far beyond what i could have asked for or imagined.

since i was 14 years old i have been praying for, writing to, an imagining my husband. i've been planning my wedding day, asking the Lord to prepare me to be a wife. asking Him to write me a beautiful love story.

there is none more beautiful, more fitting for me, and for jack.

i'm in love. i fell in love almost 3 years ago. and the dreams the Lord called me to surrender to Him are now coming true.

the blessings in this life are beautiful. the blessing of love, of living life alongside someone else, BEAUTIFUL.

what's more beautiful?

the picture which this love represents. the greatest blessing in this life here on earth: salvation. the love which the Lord God, the Holy Spirit, the Son Christ Jesus, the HOLY TRINITY has for all of those who believe. the grace which allows us to live by faith, under no law, no condemnation, but FREEDOM.

Christ died on my behalf. on your behalf. and there is no greater love.

i'm excited about the adventure Jack and i are jumping into. this adventure to continue to learn how to love one another with the sacrificial love that Jesus Christ has shown us.

join me in prayer?

Beautiful One, i love You!

i knew it would happen.

2010-04-01T00:23:00.000-07:00

philippians 2:1-12 . . . so if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though He was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made Himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. and being found in human form, He humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. therefore God has highly exalted Him and bestowed on Him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

i finally cried. on tour. hard.

praise the Lord for answering prayers. you pray to be humbled, to be broken, to be convicted, He does it. and it's a lot harder to handle than you planned. and then He does His thing. He comforts.

a 5 day break and short trip home couldn't have come at a better time. i'm ecstatic, to say the least, to be enveloped by people that give a rip. and i pray the love God has put inside them will refresh me, refresh me so i can come back and perhaps, love more.

if there is any encouragement in Christ.
any comfort from love.
any participation in the Spirit.
any affection and sympathy.

if there is. i know there is at home. and i need it. i NEED You Jesus. i need You to come through. i'm failing. discouraged. broken. alone.

it's so hard to set an example. i'm stuck on the speck in my brothers' eye. i feel so disrespected. but instead of letting Christ work, i continue to TRY to do it on my own.

well, thank the Lord for nights like tonight. times to break down. break down and be FREE. i can't do it. and that's such a freeing thing. i can't handle it, and that's okay. He wants to.

--

i need faith.

--

and the problem is this
we were bought with a kiss
but the cheek still turned
even when it wasn't hit

and i don't know
what to do with a love like that
and i don't know
how to be a love like that

when all the love in the world
is right here among us
and hatred too
and so we must choose
what our hands will do

where there is pain
let there be grace
where there is suffering
bring serenity
for those afraid
help them be brave
where there is misery
bring expectancy
and surely we can change
surely we can change
something

and the problem it seems
is with you and me
not the Love who came
to repair everything

where there is pain
let us bring grace
where there is suffering
bring serenity
for those afraid
let us be brave
where there is misery
let us bring them relief
and surely we can change
surely we can change
oh surely we can change
something

oh, the world's about to change
the whole world's about to change

--

i don't know how to be a love like that.

conversation.

2010-03-27T09:01:00.000-07:00

psalm 34:1-3 . . . i will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth. my soul makes its boast in the Lord; let the humble hear and be glad. oh, magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt His name together!

together.
let us exalt His name together.

conversation is interesting.

i mentioned something in conversation two days ago, "my mom is really good at keeping conversation focused on truth." i hadn't realized that about my mom until it came out of my mouth. and i hadn't realized until i thought about it how much conversation ISN'T focused. i've some some incredible Christian influences in my life. even on the road, there are 12 other relationships with Christ. 12 other perspectives, backgrounds, and faiths. oh, what could i learn from focused conversation? how could i encourage? how can i be challenged?

i want to be good at focusing conversation on truth. i want to be good at challenging others to think. i want to be able to share my heart, be open about my relationship with the Lord.

these are all things i really need to grow in.

psalm.

2010-03-25T22:28:00.000-07:00

psalm 33:20-22 . . . we wait in hope for the Lord; He is our help and our shield. in Him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in His holy Name. may your unfailing love rest upon us, o Lord, even as we put our hope in You.

psalm 25:4-5 . . . make me to know Your ways, o Lord; teach me Your paths. lead me in Your truth and teach me, for You are the God of my salvation; for You I wait all the day long.

i'm in one of my favorite places in the entire world tonight. looking out a window in front of me, and all i can see are other windows, of big, bright buildings. does it get better? only if the wind isn't blowing. oh chicago. it's funny to think where i was 7 months ago. i thought i was moving here. i thought i was leaving the world i knew at home, and leaving, on my own, for my life adventure in chicago. i thought i was leaving behind the life i thought i wanted, and was going to grow and move on. funny. every time i make plans, You change them.

psalm 33:10-11 . . . the Lord brings the counsel of the nations to nothing; He frustrates the plans of the peoples. the counsel of the Lord stands forever, the plans of His heart to all generations.

proverbs 16:9 . . . the heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.

thanks for establishing me steps.

there is no better place for me than right here. no place better i can ask for, or imagine. that's why i'm thankful for His way, not my own. the plans i had are NOTHING compared to the adventure i'm on now.

thanks Papa. :)

my prayers for you.

2010-03-23T09:25:00.000-07:00

one of the most important things i've learned being on tour is to pray for the people around you. this team is nothing like i expected. the "unity" is lacking, or at least, i'm not a part of it. my fault? possibly. but i continue to pray.

missy, my current mentor, has encouraged me repeatedly when i'm struggling with team members, "let's pray." and we do. or her advice, "pray for them." and i do.

this morning, it hit me. paul's prayer in phillippians 1 is my heart! i've been praying this prayer for those i'm struggling with, that i may begin to see them through the eyes of Christ.

philippians 1:3-11 . . . i thank my God in all my remembrance of you, always in every prayer of mine for you all making my prayer with joy, because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now. and i am sure of this, that He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. it is right for me to feel this way about you all, because i hold you in my heart, for you are all partakers with me of grace, both in my imprisonment and in the defense and confirmation of the gospel. for God is my witness, how I yearn for you all with the affection of Christ Jesus. and it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve what is excellent, and so be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God.

it's the truth. i am thanking God for these people. for the struggles. for who God made them to be. for the work He is doing. i do pray with joy, because the Lord is changing my heart. and because these are my brothers and sisters, fellow children of the Living God. i KNOW the work He has begun, and i'm watching it play out. it's beautiful. i have to constantly remind myself that we are ALL partakers of grace. when my flesh takes ahold, and i'm hurt, worried, angry, i realize again and again the grace that i am under, begin to take of those judgmental eyes and realize the grace we're ALL under. "you are all partakers of grace with me." i pray i don't forget that His grace is enough for all. lastly my prayer is that we will all abound in love, more and more. not so things are more fun. not so that things are easier. but so that we may be pure and blameless on the day of Jesus Christ. filled with the fruit of righteousness. glory and praise to God.

i'm still so needy. i can't keep loving on my own. but praying for my heart to change is all i can do currently. praise God for being a good God who IS at work.

blessed be the Name of the Lord,
blessed be His glorious Name!

today, may MY heart abound with more love than yesterday.
may be scales fall from MY eyes.
may i humble myself before everyone around me.

Jesus, make me more like You.

You are my joy.

2010-03-18T00:18:00.000-07:00

i'm broken tonight.

it's amazing to me how one little comment can change the plans of your whole evening. how one sentance can cause your heart to bask in His grace for hours.

i'm not who i want to be. and that's brilliant.

God's grace, alive in me tonight has again saved me. as i'm sitting here counting the grey dots, He reminds me that i'm special. He reminds me that HE made me.

He makes all things glorious.
in the words of David crowder, what does that make me?

maybe those grey dots will stop sticking.

1 john 4:18 . . . there is no fear in Love, but perfect Love casts out [all] fear.

God is Love.
God is that perfect love.
He casts out all fear.

as i was working tonight. a song came on, brought me to tears. covered my body in chills. it was the truth i needed from Christ tonight.

how He loves -- david crowder
He is jealous for me, loves like a hurricane, i am a tree bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy. when all of a sudden, i am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory, and I realize just how beautiful You are, and how great Your affections are for me.

and oh, how He loves us oh
oh how He loves us,
how He loves us all.

and we are His portion and He is our prize, drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes, if His grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking. and heaven meets earth like an sloppy wet kiss, and my heart turns violently inside of my chest, i don’t have time to maintain these regrets, when I think about, the way that He loves us.

---

i'm thankful for great worship music still existing.
i'm remembering the faithfulness that He has given in past times of need.
i'm needing words of encouragement.
i'm wanting clarity.

i'm resting.
resting in this ocean of grace.
resting, even as i'm sinking.

Jesus, thanks for being my best friend.

2010-03-13T12:43:00.000-08:00

"oversize and rude, fear is unwilling to share the heart with happiness. happiness complies and leaves. do you ever see the two together? can one be happy and afraid at the same time? clear thinking and afraid? confident and afraid? merciful and afraid? no. fear is the big bully in the high school hallway: brash, loud, and unproductive. for all the noise fear makes and room it takes, fear does little good."

"what if faith, not fear, was your default reaction to threats?"

"getting on board with Christ can mean getting soaked with Christ."

"it's not the absence of storms that sets up apart. it's whom we discover in the storm: and unstirred Christ."

"fear corrodes our confidence in God's goodness."

"the fear-filled cannot love deeply. love is risky . . . the fear filled cannot dream wildly."

just started a book, "fearless" by max lucado. wouldn't have picked it up on my own, and i'm not impressed by the writing, but definitely encouraged by the topic. i've certainly lived a lot of my life in fear. still do. really feel like it's the root of most of the sin in my life. the point of the book is to realize Christ's promise in His statement, "why are you afraid?" the promise that we can leave tomorrow less afraid than today. fear itself isn't a sin, but can lead to sin.

more to come. i've been thinking more than writing the past couple of days. usually not the best.

thankful.

2010-03-07T06:55:00.000-08:00

when i think about the Lord
how He saved me, how He raised me
how He filled me with the Holy Ghost
how He healed me to the uttermost
when i think about the Lord
how he picked me up
turned me around
how He set my feet
on solid ground

it makes me want to shout
hallelujah! thank you, Jesus!
Lord, you're worthy
of all the glory, and all the honor
and all the praise!
Hallelujah! thank you, Jesus!
Lord, you're worthy
of all the glory, and all the honor
and all the praise!

--

ephesians 2:4-7 . . . but God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ— by grace you have been saved— and raised us up with Him and seated us with Him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages He might show the immeasurable riches of His grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus.

2 corinthians 5:17 . . . therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.

Lord, we praise You for who You are, what You have done, and the life YOU have given us. without You, i'm unholy. without You, i'm unworthy. Lord, YOU have clothed me in holiness, worth, grace, love, joy, peace, and abundant life.

i can't focus on anything these days but what He has done for me. crazy theme going on in my walk-- :Lord, give me the grace to respond to the gospel. give me the grace to love the way that You have loved me.

Beautiful One, i love you.

short and sweet.

2010-03-04T06:24:00.000-08:00

psalm 18:28 . . . You, o Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light.

psalm 18:30-32 . . . as for God, His way is perfect; the Word of the LORD is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in Him. for who is God besides the Lord? and who is the Rock except our God? it is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect.

"and i can't sing loud enough, when i'm singing to You my God." -phil wickham

really, there is nothing more glorious than what has been done for me, and for you. there is nothing more refreshing than dwelling on that grace that saved me from darkness and calls me to walk in the light.

there is NOTHING more refreshing than the spirit working inside you calling you to do things you could and would NEVER do on your own.

thank You Jesus for answering prayer. for changing me. for loving me. make that love overflow.

good.

2010-03-02T09:15:00.000-08:00

psalm 16:2 . . . I said to the LORD, "You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing."

no good thing.

that means He dwells in every good thing. every blessing comes from His hands.

so, what defines a good thing?

psalm 84:11 . . . no good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly.

matthew 7:7-11 . . . "ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. for everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? if you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!"

He gives good gifts. and He withholds nothing good. therefore everything He gives is good, everything you ask for and do not receive is evil [i know, that's bold].

everything i have, every situation i face, everyone i come in contact with, all these things are good. part of Your holy will for my life.

2010-03-01T14:13:00.001-08:00

it's amazing. life is amazing.

i'm pretty much in awe of the abundant life the Lord gives. He desires to give. He blesses. His love is overwhelming.

Your love is extravagant.
Your friendship, it is intimate.
i feel like moving to the rhythm of Your grace.
Your fragrance is intoxicating in our secret place.
Your love is extravagant.

the simple things in life have never meant more to me. i've always wanted this, but never been filled the way i've pleaded. until now. spending time in small towns, staying up late doing nothing, having a conversation with someone i don't know. it's beautiful.

Lord, i'm in awe of Your grace.

i will wait on You.

2010-02-26T08:34:00.000-08:00

psalm 13 . . . how long, o Lord? will You forget me forever? how long will You hide your face from me? how long must i take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day? how long shall my enemy be exalted over me? consider and answer me, o Lord my God; light up my eyes, lest i sleep the sleep of death, lest my enemy say, "i have prevailed over him,"lest my foes rejoice because i am shaken. but i have trusted in Your steadfast love, my heart shall rejoice in Your salvation. i will sing to the Lord, because He has dealt bountifully with me.

i am shaken.
BUT.
i will sing to the Lord for He has, He has been good to me.

i will wait on You.
i will wait on You.
i will wait on You.

waiting Lord.

psalm 27:13-14 . . . i had fainted, unless i had believed to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and He shall strengthen thine heart: wait, i say, on the Lord.

psalm 37:5 . . . commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in Him; and He shall bring it to pass.

psalm 37:7 . . . rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him . . .

psalm 62:5-8 . . . my soul, wait thou only upon God; for my expectation is from Him. He only is my rock and my salvation: He is my defense; i shall not be moved. in God is my salvation and my glory: the Rock of my strength, and my refuge, is in God. trust in Him at all times; ye people, pour out your heart before Him: God is a refuge for us.

isaiah 40:28 . . . hast thou not known? hast thou not heard, that the everlasting God, the LORD, the Creator of the ends of the earth, fainteth not, neither is weary? there is no searching of His understanding. He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength. even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall: but they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

lamentations 3:25 . . . the Lord is good unto them that wait for Him, to the soul that seeks Him.

micah 7:5-7 . . . put no trust in a neighbor; have no confidence in a friend, guard the doors of your mouth from her who lies in your arms; for the son treats the father with contempt, the daughter rises up against her mother, the daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law; a man’s enemies are the men of his own house. but as for me, i will look to the Lord; i will wait for the God of my salvation; my God will hear me.

romans 8:24-25 . . . for in this hope we were saved. now hope that is seen is not hope. for who hopes for what he sees? but if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.

psalm 46:1 . . . God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.

--

"it's not faith if you're using your eyes." -- paramore

psalm 118- shane & shane

give thanks to the Lord for He is good
His love endures forever
He is my strength and He's my song
His love endures forever
i will proclaim what He has done
His love endures forever

i will enter and give thanks to Him
this holy gate the righteous may enter
i will give You thanks
You answered me, You are my salvation

this is the day the Lord has made
i will rejoice and be glad in it
this is the day the Lord has made

--

i don't want to sound miserable. i'm not miserable. i'm simply in need. once again, the absolute best place. though not fun, i don't want to be anywhere else but on my knees before the Lord.

being in a place where the Word is your only comfort is a challenge, but a blessing. this is simply a season, and a season which the Lord's faithfulness and holy Word will get me through.

i know with one word You can answer my plea in my favor, but Lord, Your will, not mine. learning to wait is a joy. i'm finding joy in knowing You are at work. and in the blessings of Your timing.

--

have you ever ended up somewhere, not sure how you got there? then the Lord uses it to bless all involved? yesterday, the Lord took a group of us into a gift shop where He showed His glorious face. His beautiful face. in the eyes of a hurting mother, in the hugs of an encouraging body, in the words of four friends simply basking in His presence.

thank You Jesus for these times.

2010-02-25T09:38:00.000-08:00

psalm 9:1-2 . . . i will give thanks to the Lord with my whole heart; i will recount all of Your wonderful deeds. i will be glad and exult in Your Name, o Most High.

been counting my blessings the past couple of days. its really helped change my perspective. that, along with some great encouragement by a new friend. i'm excited about how the Lord is challenging me right now. and very blessed by His faithfulness in granting me some great conversation, and fun times.

new thoughts last night. about life. what i want to do, and how once again, i realize i'm always limiting myself. the things i want to do, i've always told myself i can't. so, now i'm evaluating. again. what do i want in life. [more on that.]

matthew 13:44 . . . the Kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. which a man found and covered up. then in His joy he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field.

what's my treasure?

You are. Lord, make Your way straight before me [psalm 5:8].

that's it.

dichotomy.

2010-02-21T00:01:00.000-08:00

i'm distracted.
i'm frustrated.
i'm confused.
i'm questioning.

i've found myself to be very judgmental. more so than i've ever been. i see the things you do as a ploy for attention. i see your shoulder shrug as a defense mechanism. i see your friendliness as artificial.
i see myself.

i'm being stretched.
i'm challenged.
i'm encouraged.
i'm amazed.

it's brilliant to see Your hand. it's comforting to be in need. i love because You do.
i see You.

--

yeah, i'm struggling. but it's brilliantly joyful. there is a Friend who sticks closer than a brother. truth.

psalm 5:7-8 . . . but i, through the abundance of Your steadfast love, will enter Your house. i will bow down toward Your holy temple in fear of You. lead me, o Lord, in Your righteousness . . . make Your way straight before me.

through the abundance of YOUR steadfast love...make YOUR way straight before me.

there is nothing good in me. only in You.
there is nothing good in my plan. only in You.
there is nothing good in my heart. only in You.

by Your grace, Jesus, beautiful Jesus, change me.

--

matthew 13:23 . . . as for what was sown on good soil, this is the one who hears the word and understands it. he indeed bears fruit and yields, in one case a hundredfold, in another sixty, and in another thirty.

"when the harvest time is over and i still see no fruit, i will wait for You."

--

psalm 6:2-4 . . . be gracious to me, o Lord, for i am languishing; heal me, o Lord, for my bones are troubled. my soul also is greatly troubled. but You, o Lord—how long? turn, o Lord, deliver my life; save me for the sake of your steadfast love.

--

i miss the right questions.
listening ears.
challenging words.

for the first time in my life, as i try to figure people out, i can't. i can't even figure myself out. that's where i'm thankful for an all-knowing Savior who cradles me.

--

i feel bi-polar right now.
crazy ups and downs.
i'm a girl.
and today, that bothers me.

dichotomy.
division into two mutually exclusive, opposed, or contradictory groups: a dichotomy between thought and action.

it's been a defining word for me for a long time.
instead, You define me.

John 1:12 - i am a child of God.

John 15:15 - i am Christ's friend.

John 15:16 - i am chosen and appointed by Christ to bear His fruit.

Acts 1:8 - i am a personal witness of Christ for Christ.

Romans 3:24 - i have been justified and redeemed.

Romans 6:1-6 - i died with Christ and died to the power of sin's rule in my life.

Romans 6:7 - i have been freed from sin's power over me.

Romans 6:18 - i am a slave of righteousness.

Romans 8:1 - i am forever free from condemnation.

Romans 8:17 - i am an heir of God and fellow heir with Christ.

Romans 11:16 - i am holy.

Romans 15:7 - Christ has accepted me.

1 Corinthians 1:2 - i have been sanctified.

1 Corinthians 1:30 - i have been placed in Christ by God's doing; Christ is now my wisdom from God, my righteousness, my sanctification, and my redemption.

1 Corinthians 2:12 - i have received the Spirit of God into my life that I might know the things freely given to me by God.

1 Corinthians 2:16 - i have been given the mind of Christ.

1 Corinthians 3:16; 6:19 - i am a temple of God; His Spirit [life] dwells in me.

1 Corinthians 6:17 - i am joined to the Lord and am one spirit with Him.

1 Corinthians 6:19,20 - i have been bought with a price; I am not my own; I belong to God.

2 Corinthians 2:14 - He always leads me in His triumph in Christ.

2 Corinthians 5:14,15 - since I have died, i no longer live for myself, but for Christ.

2 Corinthians 5:17 - i am a new creation.

2 Corinthians 5:21 - i am the righteousness of God in Christ.

Galatians 2:20 - i have been crucified with Christ, and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. The life I am now living is Christ's life.

Ephesians 1:3 - i am blessed with every spiritual blessing.

Ephesians 1:4 - i was chosen in Christ before the foundation of the world to be holy and without blame before Him.

Ephesians 1:7,8 - i have been redeemed and forgiven, and am a recipient of His lavish grace.

Ephesians 2:10 - i am God's workmanship, created in Christ to do His work that He planned beforehand that I should do.

Ephesians 2:13 - i have been brought near to God.

Ephesians 2:18 - i have direct access to God through the Spirit.

Ephesians 3:12 - i may approach God with boldness and confidence.

Ephesians 4:24 - i am righteous and holy.

Philippians 4:7 - His peace guards my heart and my mind.

Philippians 4:19 - God will supply all my needs.

Colossians 1:13 - i have been delivered from the domain of darkness and transferred to the kingdom of Christ.

Colossians 1:14 - i have been redeemed and forgiven of all my sins. The debt against me has been canceled.

Colossians 1:27 - Christ Himself is in me.

Colossians 2:10 - i have been made complete in Christ.

Colossians 2:12,13 - i have been buried, raised, and made alive with Christ, and totally forgiven.

Colossians 3:4 - Christ is now my life.

Colossians 3:12 - i am chosen of God, holy and dearly loved.

2 Timothy 1:7 - i have been given a spirit of power, love, and discipline.

2 Timothy 1:9 - i have been saved and called according to God's purpose and grace.

1 Peter 2:9,10 - i am a part of a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people of God's own possession.

1 Peter 2:11 - i am an alien and stranger to this world that I temporarily live in.

2 Peter 1:4 - i have been given God's precious and magnificent promises by which I am a partaker of the divine nature.

1 John 4:15 - God is in me and I am in God.

--

i'll repeat over and over.

galatians 2:20 . . . i have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer i who live, but Christ who lives in me. and the life i now live in the flesh i live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.
colossians 3:4 . . . when Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory.
colossians 2:10 . . . and you have been given fullness in Christ, Who is the head over every power and authority.

take a sad song, and make it better.

2010-02-16T10:29:00.001-08:00

matthew 13:16-17 . . . but blessed are your eyes, for they see, and your ears, for they hear. for truly, I say to you, many prophets and righteous people longed to see what you see, and did not see it, and to hear what you hear, and did not hear it.

isn't it beautiful to be a child of God? to have a Father who listens? to have a friend to cares? to have arms that are always open?

He chose me.
He opened my eyes. blessed my eyes.
He allows me to hear.
He gives me wisdom to understand.

i'm feeling overwhelmed with joy this morning. empowered by the Word. what a blessing to be given life.

romans 8:10 . . . if Christ is in you, although the body is dead because of sin, the Spirit is life because of righteousness.

philippians 1:21 . . . for to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain.

life. in. death.
my friends, there is life in laying down.

romans 12:1 . . . i appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.

we are made complete when His glory is satisfied.

can i get an amen?!

what's in my heart?

2010-02-15T12:02:00.000-08:00

i'm kind of feeling like i'm not me. when did relating to people become so hard? maybe it's coming into a group alone, and everyone knows each other better than jack and jill. or, maybe it's me?

i guess reality is, at portfolio it was the same. so the past couple of times i've been placed in a new group of people, i've shut down. these people are great. a lot like my friends. but for some reason, i'm not connected. it's only been 5 days. i understand that. things take time. there are a few people i can have a conversation with, but others that make me feel completely out of place. it's a challenge for me. for sure not what i'm used to.

you at home, i miss you. i miss being around people i can cry with. people i can laugh with. people i can be me, be crazy, be odd....but maybe it's a pride thing.

my prayer is, Lord, that You would humble me. give me a heart to serve and love the people i'm around. laying myself down, thinking about how i can give, and not receive.

i am encouraged though. it's super cool how many kids see the face of the Lord through our shows. even though i have no clue what i'm doing. even though i haven't found how i can actually help instead of being in the way, the shows are making an impact. though i have nothing to do with it, i'm encouraged. once again, humbled.

i'm in a place of need. the best place to be. i don't want to be anywhere else but needing You.

Your will, not mine.

the repeated challenge.

2010-02-12T10:31:00.000-08:00

matthew 10:26-27 . . . so have no fear of them, for nothing that is covered that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known. what I tell you in the dark, say in the light, and what you hear whispered, proclaim on the housetops.

matthew 10:39 . . . whoever finds His life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.

i'm one of those people who continues to want to do more. i'll never be in a place of satisfaction. i'm thankful, now, that the Lord has created me this way. because now, instead of having the desire to perfect myself, i have a desire to try harder to further His kingdom. in Him, my joy is complete.

----

went to Lakewood's youngadults group last night. you know, joel osteen's church. great group. i was really encouraged by their desire to reach out. as well as their desire for personal growth, even within a huge body. they pound you with getting involved in a small group, that's great.

the message was on submission. truly submitting in all relationships, and what that looks like.

ephesians 5:21 . . . submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

submitting is giving up your "rights," is what was explained. your right to attention, care, words of affirmation, you know, all the things you expect from others. we were encouraged to go into a room thinking about how we can give, truly serve, instead of how we can receive and benefit from those around us.

this is the way Christ lived.
therefore, it's my prayer that He will continue to sanctify my heart and place for me on the front of my mind a how-t0-serve attitude.

----

He blesses.
what a mighty God we serve.

and here i am.

2010-02-09T18:46:00.000-08:00

it's been a while since the last public blog. but this is probably the first of many for while i'm on the road.

not sure where to begin, it's been a long day. one of those days that seems like a dream cause you're walking around basically asleep but having to act like you're all there. know what i mean? maybe.

i have to confess, i didn't spend my flight reading the Word, or wake up early to dig in. instead i've been anxious and scatter-brained. but i'm re-focusing now. the reason why i'm here is written on my arm. the reason for the trip is written on my heart.

psalm 30:11-12 . . . You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; You have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give thanks to you forever!

do not be silent.

one thing to the next.

2010-01-12T11:50:00.000-08:00

12:42 pm. phone rings. it's jeff.
jeff is the tour leader from silver ring thing.
jeff is the one who e-mailed me december 14 saying the team was full, they found who they needed.
jeff says to me, "we're adding to the team, we have over 60 events planed between now and may, and we need more team members, you're at the top of my list."
i call daddy.
daddy suggests because of my health, and where i'm at currently, i wait until february 9, after our family cruise.
i call jack.
i call mrs. hollis.
we're meeting at 4:30.
i call jeff again.
jeff says it's okay for me to join in february, and they will help with $100 of my plane ticket to get there.
jeff encourages that i seek support from friends and family.
all the while i'm talking online to josiah, christy, gabriel, trent, and jack.
i'm texting emily.
i'm e-mailing arron, susan, francesca, josiah, teresa, and scott.
i'm messaging the girls who are praying.
jeff calls again. he can get me a ticket from atlanta to houston on february 9 for $99.
susan e-mails back saying she had just prayed for me this morning in regards to SRT.

i'm blown away.
what a mighty God i serve.
truth: He does more than we can ask or imagine.

ephesians 3:20 . . . now all glory to God, who is able, through His mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.

Your hands, my Lord, are so big. Your love and Your goodness are beyond comprehension. i'm in a place of extremely joy and thankfulness. i praise You Lord for You are good, Your love endures forever.

"God let me not be distracted, Lord help me focus on you.
keep sin from ruining my life Lord, make me holy and pure.
Father You pick me up, i feel like a child in Your arms.
i don't deserve this love but, i hear Your voice Lord Jesus." -rebecca st. james.

Lord, You are more precious than silver
Lord, You are more costly than gold
Lord, You are more beautiful than diamonds
and nothing i desire compares with You.

i'll be more than okay.

2009-12-05T20:57:00.000-08:00

what a glorious thought!

john 10:9-10 . . . I am the door. if anyone enters by me, he will be saved and will go in and out and find pasture. the thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.

HAVE LIFE, AND HAVE IT ABUNDANTLY!!

thank You Jesus!

such simple truth, but so life-altering, if we let it be.
His desire for me is not to "live the safest life ever." [haha...francis...]
but to have life, and have it ABUNDANTLY!
that includes pain, suffering, EXTREME joy, worth, risks, adventure, excitement, heartbreak, and healing. it's a roller-coaster, which HE has created. a brilliant design that i cannot fathom.

i'm awe struck.
i'm excited.
i'm in love with my Savior.

He's healing me, and giving me life once again.

in the Name of Jesus!

2009-12-03T04:01:00.000-08:00

tonight, i've experienced two extremes. i had a dream, by God's grace, which awakened me at 5:28 am. after rejoicing, praying, a thankful heart, and a sense like none other that the room i'm in was filled with angels fighting a battle around me and winning, i fell back asleep. then, the Lord allowed another dream, waking me up at 6:35 am, shaking profusely and praying that in the name of Jesus, these demons have no place here. no place where my Jesus has already been victorious. no place where i'm looking to Him, claiming His Name!

so here i sit, wide awake. after texting my brother, finding out he still has all his fingers, and realizing the silliness in a cereal killer who plays uno as his ploy to chop his prey to pieces, i'm extremely aware of the spiritual, yet SO real, battle happening around me. it's been years since i've really experienced a dark force. satan's power tonight was evident. but what's more amazing is the power of Jesus' name. not only did i experience HIM in a new way, first. as soon as satan attempted to smother His glory, he has been banished, simply by the power of Jesus' name.

He is victorious.

as i woke up in awe of God's glory after my first dream, i could do nothing but rejoice. i prayed. i felt the peace that surpasses all understanding. i smiled. and i rested.

as i woke up terrified, shaking, and almost in tears, i again was in awe of God's glory. what a Name! in moments after claiming, "satan, in the name of Jesus, you have no place here!" i began singing, "God is my victory and He is here." again i experienced that peace, and i believe now, i may rest again.

power in the Name of Jesus
salvation in the Name of Jesus
freedom in the Name of Jesus
everything i need
protection in the Name of Jesus
deliverance in the Name of Jesus
healing in the Name of Jesus
everything i need is in that Name

--power in the Name, james avery simms

for the first time in my life.

2009-11-24T07:25:00.000-08:00

"the more you focus on the supernatural, the more you focus on God Himself, the more you know Him, you realize how trivial everything else appears." -francis chan

1 peter 1:5-15 . . . for this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love. for if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they keep you from being ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. for whoever lacks these qualities is so nearsighted that he is blind, having forgotten that he was cleansed from his former sins. therefore, brothers, be all the more diligent to make your calling and election sure, for if you practice these qualities you will never fall. for in this way there will be richly provided for you an entrance into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Therefore I intend always to remind you of these qualities, though you know them and are established in the truth that you have. i think it right, as long as i am in this body, to stir you up by way of reminder, since I know that the putting off of my body will be soon, as our Lord Jesus Christ made clear to me. and i will make every effort so that after my departure you may be able at any time to recall these things.

make every effort

what do i try my hardest at?

these qualities are what keep us from being ineffective.

am i more focused on what i want to -do- than who i want to be?

"God is more concerned about changing you than changing your circumstances." -francis chan

"He wants to see His children with grace and peace multiplied on them. and that comes from knowing Him." -francis chan

for this very reason

what reason? go back in 1 peter.

because we have been GIVEN all these things!

"are you thinking in your mind, 'i get to change!" or, 'i have to change?'"

"God not only gives you this new desire to want righteousness, but He gives the power that enables you to achieve it." -francis chan

it starts with faith.

His divine nature has given me power!

bill faris

2009-11-17T20:35:00.001-08:00

"I believe the genius of the Jesus People movement was the empowerment of everyday people to take the ministry of Jesus to everyday places - from school campuses to coffeehouses. From private homes to rock concerts. From streetcorners to city parks. "Jesus Freaks" were always looking for opportunities to take the gospel to the places and environments where the people of their generation lived their daily lives. The whole world was their mission field . . ."

learn from myself.

2009-11-12T21:37:00.000-08:00

i've decided to go back and read the "book" i wrote almost two years ago. i want to see how my heart has changed. i want to see how my writing style has changed. and i want to be reminded of the truths the Lord used so vibrantly at that time in my life to call me to trust Him.

what a faithful God we serve. a God WELL WORTH serving.

Psalm 48:1 . . . Great is the Lord, and most worthy of praise.

"Multifaceted. Adj. Having many faces or aspects.
Is that a word you use or hear used to describe the Lord? Often? It should be.
I habitually find myself forgetting how comprehensive my God is. And He is.
It is so easy to place our loving God in a box, is it not? It’s so easy to give Him limitations based off of our limited minds."
-bdtb, chapter 1.

"Our relationships with the Lord are different . . . This doesn’t change who our God is, but only how we experience Him. You may have known him well, ever since your childhood fifty years ago. But I was saved as a child and I have only truly known Him and experienced a relationship with Him for the past 4-5 years.
He may be a Father to you, because yours isn’t around. He may be your best friend because you struggle socially. He could be someone whose existence you struggle to admit to at times. A relationship with Him could be a chore, or something your parents, friends, or spouse has pushed, or even forced upon you.
Does this change who He is? No. We each experience a different relationship with Him. We all see different sides of Him, different characteristics.
Once again, this is not to say our God changes.
Malachi 3:6 . . . “For I am the Lord, I do not change.”
Instead, He has the power to be a Father to the fatherless [Psalm 68:5], a closer Friend than a brother [Proverbs 18:24], and a righteous Judge [2 Timothy 4:8]. He is still God." "
-bdtb, chapter 1.

"Control says God can’t.
Expectations limit His power."
-bdtb, chapter 1.

"There is a vastness to our Savior which is to be taken a hold of. A mystery, a wonder, which we are to embrace."
-bdtb, chapter 1

"Letting go of the control you think you have over your life is what you’re doing when you accept Christ. When you “become a Christian” are you not giving your life over to Him? Does it not mean you are no longer your own?
Giving up control, unfortunately, as we well know, doesn’t just happen when we say that precious prayer. Instead, surrender to the Lord is a lifelong, difficult, every-moment-of-every-day process which we will struggle with until the day we see Jesus face to face.
That does not mean we should give up. This battle is one we must choose to fight. If we are to love the Father, embrace His multifacetness, and live a life of intimacy with Him, a heart that gives up control is necessary."
-bdtb, chapter 1

the coolest thing i've realized recently.

2009-11-11T13:21:00.000-08:00

is this.

God is sovereign. He has a sovereign plan for my future.
but more than than.
HE HAD A SOVEREIGN PLAN FOR MY PAST.

every little, and not so little thing that has happened to me.
every person i have come in contact with in the past, almost 21 years.
every time i've gotten in the car.
every time i've gone to church.
every day i've woken up healthy.
every day i've woken up with a headache.

HE PLANNED IT.

He planned ever word. every motion. every action. every interaction.

He has used each and every moment of my my life for His own glory.

and -i- get to be a part of it.

it's simply a blessing.
simply a joy.
and not so simply changing my life. the way i view Him. the way i view myself.

HE IS USING ME FOR HIS GLORY.
and.
HE HAS USED ME FOR HIS GLORY.

"Beautiful Lord
Awesome and mighty
I'm captured by this love I see
Beautiful Lord
Tender and holy
Your mercy brings me to my knees
It's Your mercy that has made me free
Beautiful Lord." -leeland

the rainbow in my hands.

2009-11-02T13:53:00.001-08:00

it's cold. quite brisk. the hot chocolate and watered-down-coffee combination in my cup makes me smile. there's something acoustic playing in the background. i feel the color in my hands. i'm alone. so alone. so content. close your eyes. can you see it?

it's a rainbow.

what inspires you? what makes you want to be who you're going to be?
who inspires you?

nobody told me i couldn't be what i want to be. except me.

sitting there in that spinning chair
fa la la's in my ear
it's not the challenge, it's the fear.

he wants to feel to bomb drop, the earth stop.

don't let the earth stop.
you, stop.

Jesus is creative.
He inspires me.

why do i think of so many different things that will get me where i want to be?
why can't i simply focus on where He has me. growing me. changing me. preparing me.
using me.

i spilled that drink all over myself.
i washed the rainbow down the drain.
i turned the heat on.

things change. so simply.

"we can build through this destruction." -gavin degraw
...feeling like a disaster.

uh-oh.

2009-10-21T22:06:00.001-07:00

something big is on it's way.

hahaaa!

2009-10-19T13:06:00.000-07:00

i'm going to repeat myself, AGAIN.

"and I find peace when I'm confused.
i find hope when i'm let down.
not in me.
but in You." -switchfoot

i've just got to say, being confused is the BEST place.
YOU are the peace that surpasses all understanding, MY PRINCE of peace.

2009-09-30T05:41:00.001-07:00

philippians 1:9-10 . . . and it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve what is excellent, and so be pure and blameless for the day of Christ.

isaiah 61:1-2 . . . the Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is upon me, for the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor. He has sent me to comfort the brokenhearted and to proclaim that captives will be released and prisoners will be freed. He has sent me to tell those who mourn that the time of the Lord’s favor has come, and with it, the day of God’s anger against their enemies.

philippians 1:27 . . . above all, you must live as citizens of heaven, conducting yourselves in a manner worthy of the Good News about Christ. then, whether i come and see you again or only hear about you, i will know that you are standing together with one spirit and one purpose, fighting together for the faith, which is the Good News.

philippians 2:1-5 . . . is there any encouragement from belonging to Christ? any comfort from His love? any fellowship together in the Spirit? are your hearts tender and compassionate? then make me truly happy by agreeing wholeheartedly with each other, loving one another, and working together with one mind and purpose. don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. you must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had.

philippians 2:14-18 . . . do everything without complaining and arguing, so that no one can criticize you. live clean, innocent lives as children of God, shining like bright lights in a world full of crooked and perverse people. hold firmly to the Word of life; then, on the day of Christ’s return, i will be proud that i did not run the race in vain and that my work was not useless. but i will rejoice even if i lose my life, pouring it out like a liquid offering to God, just like your faithful service is an offering to God. and i want all of you to share that joy. yes, you should rejoice, and i will share your joy.

psalm 72:4 . . . help Him to defend the poor, to rescue the children of the needy, and to crush their oppressors.

psalm 72:12-14 . . . He will rescue the poor when they cry to Him; He will help the oppressed, who have no one to defend them. He feels pity for the weak and the needy, and He will rescue them. He will redeem them from oppression and violence, for their lives are precious to Him.

psalm 72:18-19 . . . praise the Lord God, the God of Israel, Who alone does such wonderful things. praise His glorious name forever! let the whole earth be filled with His glory. amen and amen!

i've been reading.

2009-09-28T11:45:00.000-07:00

isaiah 54:5 . . . for your Maker is your husband— the LORD Almighty is his name— the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; the God of all the earth.

isaiah 54:10 . . . "though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet My unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor My covenant of peace be removed," says the LORD, who has compassion on you.

remembering the truth about who i am in Christ. He has made me glorious. and because of that, He will be glorified.

isaiah 55:5 . . . "you also will command nations you do not know, and peoples unknown to you will come running to obey, because I, the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, have made you glorious.”

Lord, let my belief in who I am, because of YOU ALONE cause me to serve You.

ephesians 6:5-8 . . . obey your earthly masters with fear and trembling, with a sincere heart, as you would Christ, not by the way of eye-service, as people-pleasers, but as servants of Christ, doing the will of God from the heart, rendering service with a good will as to the Lord and not to man, knowing that whatever good anyone does, this he will receive back from the Lord . . .

titleless. meaning, without title.

2009-09-23T00:19:00.000-07:00

proverbs 18:24 . . . a man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a Friend who sticks closer than a brother.

it's finally hit me. i finally realize where the pain i've been facing has come from. all those i have turned to, those who i thought would understand, He graciously "taken" from me. and yes, by His grace He has done this. not to give me pain, but to bring healing. no one will understand me. not one.

He is the only friend. sticking closer than a brother.

i apologize to those of you whom i've run to. since april, when my "best friend" was lost, i've jumped around. each of you have graciously spoken truth. and i have repeated truth back at myself. time and time again. i think finally, tonight, at 3:26 am, i believe it.

such grace has He displayed! that He is always faithful [1 Corinthians 1:9]. He will NEVER leave or forsake [hebrews 13:5]

maybe i'll begin sleeping better.
i'm not alone.

i'm going to repeat myself.

2009-09-22T07:24:00.000-07:00

over and over again.

"and I find peace when I'm confused.
i find hope when i'm let down.
not in me.
but in You." -switchfoot

i'm having these days a lot recently.
nothing but truth will keep me going.
i feel like i'm living without a reason.
but Truth is my reason. and that's truth.

. . . it's You.

2009-09-18T21:13:00.000-07:00

i could be one of the most emotional people in this world. i write something. i complain about something. i remember Truth. then i'm smiling and laughing.

i need Jesus so badly. great thing i have Him.

"and it looks like the sky is caving in again
i'm dry and cracked, the sky goes black
. . . oh, Spirit fall like rain on my thirsty soul
. . . break me and make me whole" -switchfoot

i haven't been crying enough recently, i've decided. or being with people enough. or being honest enough.

so here's honesty.

i'm crying right now. i need someone. i've lied to people.

but people don't cut it. they really don't. no offense to you. or you. but you're simply not Jesus. isn't that something to rejoice about? i'm not Jesus. i just need Him, bad.

i haven't received a real hug in a while. i'm scared of hugs i've realized. if someone hugged me for real, i would have to be honest. the hug would be honest for me.

i'm hurting.

where is this pain coming from? i don't even know. i really and truly don't know. but something is stabbing me. something is causing me to be quickly angered. they're probably different things. but all sin.

sin is painful.

i'm glad the Lord has led me to stay home. not just in ga, but in my parent's home. i need them.

my heart broke last night. hope center banquet. there was a testimony of a girl from kenya, victim of human trafficking. she's now on her own. she's a registered nurse with a little child. she is free from slavery. imagine how thankful for life SHE is. life in perspective.

why do i life so selfishly?
why do i live so scared?
why does it take a specific time of the week, group of girls, and focused heart for honesty to occur.

my prayer is for a honest and vulnerable heart. at all times.
my prayer is that i would be hands and feet, for a magnificent Jesus.
my prayer is a changed heart.

"and I find peace when I'm confused.
i find hope when i'm let down.
not in me.
but in You." -switchfoot

when our hope is in the Lord, our joy is made complete.

2009-09-13T21:17:00.000-07:00

today was an encouraging sunday. i talked with aaron for a few minutes, and the Lord simply blew my mind. besides that, women's discipleship. brilliant. i feel like i'm journaling. no, not online.

grace unmeasured . . .sgm
---
grace unmeasured, vast and free, that knew me from eternity, that called me out before my birth to bring You glory on this earth. grace amazing, pure and deep, that saw me in my misery, that took my curse and owned my blame so i could bear Your righteous name. grace paid for my sins and brought me to life. grace clothes me with power to do what is right. grace will lead me to heaven where i’ll see Your face,and never cease to thank You for Your grace. grace abounding, strong and true, that makes me long to be like You, that turns me from my selfish pride to love the cross on which You died. grace unending all my days, You’ll give me strength to run this race and when my years on earth are through, the praise will all belong to You

"prone to wander Lord i feel it, prone to leave the God I love. here's my heart Lord, take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above." robert robinson

i feel like i have so much to say.
but really, there are no words.

2009-09-04T16:06:00.000-07:00

psalm 130:5-7 . . . i wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word I put my hope. my soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning. o israel, put your hope in the Lord, for with the Lord is unfailing love and with him is full redemption.

unfailing love.
full redemption.

redemption -- deliverance; rescue.

recognizing my need for the Lord has been constant the past few months. currently, my body wont allow me to do anything but sit here. i'm missing work, my second week with the job. i'm not making the money i need to be making. but i will trust the Lord. i will trust Him in His unfailing love.

my limited understanding of Love doesn't change who my God is and how His love works.

what freedom we have i Christ. what freedom we have in knowing we're saved. saved from death. this pain, this illness, even death itself has no power. no power over the God over all.

"God over all, giver of life and health and breath, i want to sing of Your love." -sgm, God over all

He is the head.

2009-08-31T08:29:00.000-07:00

psalm 95:1-7 . . . oh come, let us sing to the Lord; let us make a joyful noise to the Rock of our salvation! let us come into His presence with thanksgiving; let us make a joyful noise to Him with songs of praise! for the Lord is a GREAT God, and a GREAT King above all gods. in His hands are the depths of the earth; the heights of the mountains are His also. the sea is His, for He made it, and His hands formed the dry land. oh come, let us worship and bow down; let us kneel before the Lord, our Maker! for He is our God, and we are the people of His pasture, and the sheep of His hand.

how great is our God?

so great that in His hands are the depths of the earth and the heights of the mountains.
so great that the sea is His, and His hands formed dry land.

"i am willing yet am so afraid. You give me strength when I say, i wanna be your hands, i wanna be your feet. i'll go where You send me" -newsboys

"take my hands and let them move at the impulse of Thy love. take my feet and let them be swift and beautiful for Thee." -frances r. havergal

i've never been in a place where obedience is so difficult. so NOT in me. i've never been at a place so needy. there is NO good thing in me.

psalm 51:1-17 . . . have mercy on me, o God, according to Your steadfast love; according to Your abundant mercy blot out my transgressions. wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin! for i know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me. against you, you only, have i sinned and done what is evil in Your sight, so that you may be justified in your words and blameless in Your judgment. behold, i was brought forth in iniquity, and in sin did my mother conceive me. behold, You delight in truth in the inward being, and You teach me wisdom in the secret heart. purge me with hyssop, and i shall be clean; wash me, and i shall be whiter than snow. let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones that You have broken rejoice. hide Your face from my sins, and blot out all my iniquities. create in me a clean heart, o God, and renew a right spirit within me. cast me not away from Your presence, and take not Your Holy Spirit from me. restore to me the joy of Your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit. then i will teach transgressors Your ways, and sinners will return to You. deliver me from bloodguiltiness, o God, God of my salvation, and my tongue will sing aloud of Your righteousness. o Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare Your praise. for You will not delight in sacrifice, or i would give it; You will not be pleased with a burnt offering. the sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, o God, You will not despise.

that's my prayer. open my lips, and my mouth will declare Your praise. it is not even in me to open my lips.

psalm 53:3 . . . they have all fallen away; together they have become corrupt; there is none who does good, not even one.

this summer.

2009-08-23T17:46:00.000-07:00

tomorrow summer ends. tomorrow my career begins.
ending, and beginning.

i wish i could put into words the truth i've begun to believe this summer. i wish i could express the heart change i've had, and not only the feelings i feel. but i'll tell you this. it's all because of Jesus.

"its all because of Jesus i'm alive, it's all because the blood of Jesus Christ."

i'm a dreamer. it's so easy for me to dream up my fantasy life and all the amazing things i want to do and be a part of. but i'm done with that. i'm ready to start doing. accountability here?

chicago was a retreat. it was a time of evaluation. a time of communion with my Savior.

when i say evaluation, i mean i stepped back. i took a look at where i've been. where i'm at. and where i'm going. i asked the Lord for direction, guidance, and for the most precious jewel of wisdom. my God has shown me so much grace. first in saving me from death. second in blessing me. blessing me more than i can fathom. there hasn't been a better season in my life than this summer. though it began with heartache i felt i couldn't live through, i now laugh because God's hand is so big, and so great. we serve a good God. this has been the best season of my life thus far, and i have full faith, because of my love for my Jesus, that I will only see more and more of His beauty in seasons to come.

the next season begins tomorrow. single. working. living at home. and the next season, of moving out for the first time on my own is coming soon. what an exciting time.

"we are not for one moment at the mercy of chance." but instead we serve a sovereign God whose plan is perfect. His plan is good. His plan is for His own glory, and by His grace we get to experience it!!

psalm 30.
i will extol You, o Lord, for You have drawn me up and have not let my foes rejoice over me. o Lord my God, i cried to You for help, and You have healed me. o Lord, You have brought up my soul from sheol; You restored me to life from among those who go down to the pit. sing praises to the Lord, o you His saints, and give thanks to His holy name. for His anger is but for a moment, and His favor is for a lifetime. weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning. as for me, i said in my prosperity, "i shall never be moved." by Your favor, o Lord, You made my mountain stand strong; You hid Your face; i was dismayed. to You, o Lord, i cry, and to the Lord i plead for mercy: "what profit is there in my death, if i go down to the pit? will the dust praise You? will it tell of Your faithfulness? hear, o Lord, and be merciful to me! o Lord, be my helper!" You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; You have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, that my glory may sing Your praise and not be silent. o Lord my God, i will give thanks to You forever!

let me reiterate.
You have turned for me my mourning into dancing . . . that my glory may sing Your praise and not be silent.
AND NOT BE SILENT.
and not be silent.

thank You Lord for answering my prayers for clear direction, now give me strength to obey.

going back.

2009-08-16T22:44:00.000-07:00

john 14:12-14 . . . i tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in Me will do what I have been doing. he will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. and I will do whatever you ask in My name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father. you may ask Me for anything in My name, and I will do it.

Jesus promised me He will do whatever i ask in His name. and i'm asking to do greater things. i'm asking that this daughter bring glory to her Heavenly Father.

-----------------------------------

there are christians everywhere! do you even know what i'm saying?! i feel like paul, traveling around and being so encouraged by those who are walking by faith.

i'm still in chicago. today i spent my day hanging out with laura's small group. it was like being with our singles group back home. it was a blast. i was overwhelmed with encouragement and love. these people welcomed me in like we have been friends for years. i left feeling the Lord's presence. what joy! i haven't laughed so hard in a while. i was literally in tears. this diverse group, from korea, the philippines, china, japan, chicago, the middle east, yes, diverse group moves as one body. though the depth of faith could always go deeper, the Lord's hand in this group is apparent. it's SUCH an encouragement to be away from home, yet still see the power of the Holy Spirit. and among this group hasn't been the first time.

the Lord has been giving me a boldness like I've never known. as i ask, He is filling me. my attempt at understanding is that i'm living without fear, for once. i have been talking to people without holding my tongue, talking to them as if they believe the same thing as me, and in that, people ask questions! it's incredible. sharing with a non-believer about how the Lord is working in your life BLOWS THEIR MIND. goodness, it blows MY mind too...

i think i could jab all night.

Lord, let this fire not go out. as it grows dim, fan the flame.

more wonderful than i can imagine.

2009-08-14T20:04:00.000-07:00

"i don't understand, but i thank You. i don't understand, but i know that You are good. i don't understand but i know You're taking this away because You have something better." -joshua harris, boy meets girl

i had breakfast with some dear friends this morning. i was letting them know about where the Lord has brought me in this journey to chicago. carly put my heart into words better than i could.

"i feel like the Lord is saying, 'here is this incredible opportunity, but what I WILL DO is so much more brilliant.'"

in no way am i saying that the Lord wont show a flashing light requiring me to move here, but my heart is currently at peace that i'm called to remain in atlanta. it's been so cool the past week. do you ever pray with your family? ask your parents for counsel? i've felt the Lord calling me to do that over the past few weeks, and i'm determined to make it a lifestyle. the Lord is Lord over families. i'm so blessed for the one He has placed me in. praying with my parents the past week, each evening, and asking for their counsel and private prayer as well has been such a blessing in the decision making process. it's also been a blessing in drawing my family closer together. making them more of a priority in my heart.

the counsel of my parents, and the leading of the Spirit has brought me to a place of peace, certainly surpassing all understanding. the Lord has worked in my heart a ton this summer. bringing on a transformation of my desires. no longer is this career my biggest dream [next to marriage], but instead missions. i want to further the Kingdom. i want to serve the lost, AND the saved. that's where my heart is. not that i can't serve the Lord, as well as others through doing hair, but the Lord is making it clear that this job is no longer my desire. instead, my desire is to live in community. my desire is to encourage, reach out, serve, be bold, and live life along the family He has placed me in.

i wasn't able to sleep very much this week. some of that was due to my social schedule, but some of it was due to the Lord speaking to me. it's crazy to me how many aspects of life the Lord has taken my perspectives and turned them 180 from where i've always been. what a beautiful thing that the Lord opens the door when we knock.

matthew 7:7-8 . . . ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. for everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened.

that's a promise.

the things the Lord has for me are more wonderful than i can imagine. the things He is calling me to will bring Him glory, because that's what He promises. it's so easy to fail, and i know i will time and time again. it's so easy to become distracted. but my prayer is for determination. my prayer is for drive. i want to strive to live on the edge of the cliff. willing to jump [probably in a squirrel suit] and with complete faith that the Lord is going to catch me.

john 14:12-14 . . . i tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in Me will do what I have been doing. he will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. and I will do whatever you ask in My name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father. you may ask Me for anything in My name, and I will do it.

do we believe that. i'm trying to tap into understanding the authority the Lord has given me. have any verses to encourage that?

i miss you guys. already.

"how deep the Father's love for us."

2009-08-13T17:05:00.000-07:00

my heart is touched. i feel an overwhelming sense of peace and joy.

1 john 4:18 . . . there is no fear in love, but perfect Love casts out fear.

and that perfect Love is our heavenly Father.

1 john 4:8 . . . anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.

GOD IS LOVE!

what life the Lord has blessed me with! what life! SO RICH! rich in mercy, rich in joy, rich in forgiveness, rich in love, rich in GRACE!

psalm 113:3 . . . from the rising of the sun to it's setting, the name of the Lord is to be praised!

i pray this sense of the Lord's presence will not fade for the next seven days as i embark on this journey. what a blessing to be called out of the darkness to live in the light, as a light, with the Lord's authority to call glory to His name.

"i have become increasingly overwhelmed but not discouraged; and soon I’ll leave the infirmary feeling well." -jack's mannequin

glory to God in the highest.
and on earth, peace, goodwill towards men.

God blesses.

i'm glad.

2009-08-12T21:44:00.000-07:00

i actually like music again. like finding new music. writing lyrics. loving lyrics [that never went away]. exploring bands, their history, etc.

i've been so short on words lately. probably because there is too much on my mind to verbalize. i'll be glad in a few months when i know what i'm doing with my life. for a day or so. heh.

so again, i'm speechless.

and i need prayer.

here's where i'm at.

2009-08-10T11:29:00.001-07:00

try anything by your own strength, and fail.

oh!!

2009-08-03T15:10:00.001-07:00

"what a glorious day, what a glorious way, that You have saved me!" -happy day

"this is the day that You have made, to walk in Your love and Your grace." -i will rise up

what a crazy day. productive. encouraging. real.

starting over is blissful. after a night like the one i had last night...today was the perfect day to follow. fellowship. encouragement. worship. rest. family. work.

i'm going to call last night my "samuel experience." though it was a rough one. and i faced attacks, i also saw victory. tonight i'll be tested. tonight i'm called to put into action where the Lord has brought my heart.

it's glorious that our strength comes from the Lord. it's such a great thing that in my weakness, HIS STRENGTH is made perfect. because i'm weak. i'm very weak. even after rest, i'm tired. very tired.

i'm so thankful for real people. like my mom. and my dad. and daniel. and joe. and meredith. and the twins. and james, and amanda. yeah, those are all the people i've come in contact with today, and i'm just so blessed by fellowship. i'm so blessed by talking about what matters. i'm so blessed by life together.

i'm also thankful for itunes. how cool is it to have a song on your heart, type it in, if you don't have it, you can purchase it immediately. the Lord is gracious to give us itunes. heh...

i can't wait for life. life is happening. life is beautiful!

my heart hurts.

2009-08-02T16:14:00.000-07:00

james 1:22 . . . do not merely listen to the Word, and so deceive yourselves. do what it says. [NIV]

2 timothy 3:16-17 . . . all Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training righteousness, that the man of God may be competent, equipped for every good work. [ESV]

matthew 4:4 . . . man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God. [ESV]

-------------------------------------

i'm broken right now. humbled, majorly. today has been full of conviction. i've felt the Lord challenging me in so many areas. and in response, i've fallen. it's always been my struggle to be too hard on myself. to show grace to others, but hold myself to a higher standard. to try and be perfect. in reality, it's always been my struggle: self-hatred. why is it that i'm so self-condemning? why can't i take the Truth the Lord reveals to me, thank Him for His grace and strive to grown, finding joy in sanctification? no, instead it's so hard for me.

i currently feel like i'm failing to love others. i'm lacking in self-control. i'm lacking morale in conversation.

here i am, making myself god. idolizing myself. idolizing perfection.

-------------------------------------

2 corinthians 5:17 . . . therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! [NIV]

romans 8:1 . . . there is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. [ESV]

-------------------------------------

my heart hurts.
glad i have a best Friend.

simple.

2009-07-31T06:54:00.000-07:00

"content in the little glory of the present." -age of innocence
i had forgotten about this quote. it's always been one of my favorites.
but this morning, as i thought on the Lord, i was struck.
where i'm at this morning is simple.
simply looking to the Lord.
truth is, i'm more than "content."

psalm 123:1 . . . i lift up my eyes to You, to You whose throne is in heaven.

oh, what a glorious Name!

wednesday.

2009-07-29T08:48:00.000-07:00

"i am Yours, Jesus, You are mine." -happy day

it's just such a glorious thought. no, a glorious TRUTH.

i am His.
He is mine.

we love Him because He first loved us.
i am His beloved.

my life belongs to Him.
i belong to Him.

sigh.
glorious.
marvelous! and i am marveling.

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romans 12:2 . . . do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

my mind is being renewed.

i am new!

worship on the square.

2009-07-25T22:05:00.000-07:00

it was beautiful. as expected. i found myself praying a couple songs that weren't sung. met a few cool girls with similar hearts to my own. Jesus is simply, yet so complexly beautiful.

Take my life and let it be
Consecrated, Lord, to Thee;
Take my hands and let them move
At the impulse of Thy love.
Take my feet and let them be
Swift and beautiful for Thee;
Take my voice and let me sing,
Always, only for my King.
Take my lips and let them be
Filled with messages from Thee;
Take my silver and my gold,
Not a mite would I withhold.
Take my moments and my days,
Let them flow in endless praise;
Take my intellect and use
Every pow’r as Thou shalt choose.
Take my will and make it Thine,
It shall be no longer mine;
Take my heart, it is Thine own,
It shall be Thy royal throne.
Take my love, my Lord, I pour
At Thy feet its treasure store;
Take myself and I will be
Ever, only, all for Thee.

I'm here to meet with you
come and meet with me
I'm here to find you
reveal yourself to me
As I wait, you make me strong
As I long, draw me to your arms
As I stand and sing your praise
You come, you come and you fill this place
Won't you come, Won't you come and fill this place

someday i wont have to prove.

2009-07-25T05:12:00.000-07:00

i'm so bothered by the opposite sex right now.
there is simply no respect in our culture.
i'm certainly talking about non-christian guys.
i have been blown away by my own male friends...
so congratulations to you.
i hope you guys can see what you're saved from.
just drive down the road with your windows down.

"here comes the sun...doo doo do do...and i said...it's alright"

2009-07-22T04:53:00.000-07:00

"in the morning when i face the day, i will let every thought be of You, for You are good. You take all those who will come to You." -enter the worship circle

still dwelling on the fact that memorizing a passage can change your life. it can make the difference between staying in bed or getting up. it can influence how you spend your time. it's all about chewing on, and truly living on the Word, and not bread alone.

psalm 113:3 . . . from the rising of the sun to it's setting, the name of the Lord is to be praised.

that's a command. a command the Lord has imprinted on my heart. no, i'm sure it doesn't mean i have to wake up at 5:25 every morning...but it does mean my entire day, from the moment it begins, until the moment it ends, i shall be praising the Lord.

truth: there is nothing like His glory. it's above the heavens [psalm 113:4]. today i witnessed it, and the Lord hand-picked scripture to go along.

psalm 118:1, 14, 23-24, 27, 28-29 . . . [1]give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; His steadfast love endures forever. [14]the Lord is my strength and my song; He has become my salvation. [23-24]the Lord has done this, and it is marvelous in our eyes. this is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it. [27]the Lord is God, and He has made His light shine upon us. [28-29]You are my God, and i will give You thanks; You are my God, and i will exalt You. give thanks to the Lord for He is good; His love endures forever.

it IS marvelous in our eyes. what He has done. His glory. every day. every morning. "it's morning again."

marvelous.
[adj.] superb; excellent; great; improbable or incredible

marvel.
[noun] something that causes wonder, admiration, or astonishment; a wonderful thing
[verb] to be filled with wonder, admiration, or astonishment, as at something surprising or extraordinary

improbable.
[adj.] not probable; unlikely to be true or to happen

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Majesty, Your glory is shining
brighter than the moon and the stars
marveling, we honor and fear You
above all gods

glorious and mighty, You’re awesome In beauty
joyful songs we raise
glorious and mighty, You’re awesome in beauty
greatly to be praised

Majesty, You fashioned the heavens
Your decrees can never be changed
over all the plans of the nations
Your judgments reign

Majesty, we’ll sing with creation
when You come again in the clouds
every knee will bow down and worship
the one true God.

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once again. yes, this is where my heart is at. once again. every day, every moment, being brought back to the truth that there is NOTHING more than the cross.

Jesus Christ, i think upon Your sacrifice
You became nothing, poured out to death
many times i've wondered at Your gift of life
and i'm in that place once again
i'm in that place once again

and once again i look upon the cross where You died
i'm humbled by Your mercy and i'm broken inside
once again i thank You
once again i pour out my life

now You are exalted to the highest place
King of the heavens, where one day i'll bow
but for now, i marvel at Your saving grace
and i'm full of praise once again
i'm full of praise once again

thank You for the cross

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"marvel" was in every song the Lord brought to my heart today. how marvelous! (:

blessed be the name of the Lord, from this time forth and forevermore! [psalm 113:2]

"people run in circles, it's a very very mad world."

2009-07-20T07:44:00.000-07:00

i've been home for about 28 hours. home from ghana, kenya, and the u.a.e. accra, nirobi, navasha, karima, nakuru, and dubai. it's almost hard. having a life-changing experience that no one close to you witnessed. this doesn't make me greater, no, not at all. but i've struggled with feeling alone since i've been home. unknowingly overwhelmed. over compensating with sinful thought-life. there is so much to process.

i know there are actually a few who want to be a part of it. then it's to those few i come to, with no words.

no words.

but so many thoughts. i wish i was someone who was better at putting thoughts into words. but i'll try.

quoting my journal.

"you come to places like this and expect to be saddened, broken and humbled by the way people live. but instead you're saddened, broken and humbled by the way we live at home. these people, though we view them to live in so much poverty, are truly so rich in joy, life and love. you see the same thing on 99.9% of the faces...love for life. sure there are sad thing about the relationships they lack, and the lack of health they experience, but they still live in real community. thankful for every little thing. i wish i was so creative, and so resourceful. living simple has got to be the way to live."

"they may live primitively, according to our standards, but these are certainly not primitive people."

i feel so blessed. so encouraged, and so refreshed. those are not the realities i expected to experience returning home from africa. but the main things the Lord showed me are certainly more than i prayed for.

there is nothing like serving with other people. what an absolutely amazing thing, for 21 people, all from completely different lifes, completely different backgrounds, ages, testimonies. yet, with similar hearts, all there to serve, and therefore bonded. i've never seen a team come together like ours. i witnessed the different parts of the body coming together and functioning like one in a completely new way have i have ever witnessed. i've come to this, when the body functions as it is called to function, as one body, serving others, then, and only then is true community lived out. then, and only they are real relationships experienced. so, application? i'm looking for new ways to serve. new ways to volunteer, and finding out where real needs are, as i pursue this, i will invite you all, i will look to you, as "others who call upon the Lord" [2 timothy 2:22] to join me in service, to function as we are called. for the glory of the Lord.

i was so blown away by the couples on the trip. jennifer and james. cassy and andrew. katherine and tommy. i recognized my longing to serve alongside my husband. whomever he is, wherever he is, one day, and how exciting is it to say, we will serve together. we will work together, bouncing off each other, encouraging one and other, and helping each other. we will also, like the body, become one and serve together, as the Lord has called.

we were blessed to attend a funeral on the trip. a family in the community of karima lost a son a few days before we arrived. on sunday, after church, we visited the family and shared in mourning, as well as prayer and praise. there is nothing like this. we were asked to attend the funeral on wednesday, and i was so blessed to be a part of it. i have never, never in my life heard the gospel preached so passionately. so brilliantly. there was NO refusal. i pray that when my life is over, that is what my funeral is like. i pray, like this 20 year old boy who was murdered, my life works toward the growing of my Lord's kingdom. there is no way anyone can refuse the gospel when it is shared this way. i pray, even more than when my life is over, that i would live this way. the Lord is showing me what that should look like.

the difference in culture is incredible. the biggest thing is the lack of leadership among men. i actually got slapped in the face by it. i've spent so much time fed up with the men in my community. so much time complaining and having expectations. seeing the way these people live did nothing but make me thankful. thankful for every LITTLE thing the guys i know do. in the kenyan culture, the women do everything. hike 6 miles, 10 times a day to carry water in 50 lb. cans up hill to take care of their family. work, and provide for the family. take care of the children. you wouldn't believe the strength of these women. 90% of the men spend their days on the side of the road, literally watching the cars go by. we saw hundreds of men doing absolutely nothing. it broke my heart. what's amazing though, is as the men on our team stepped up. as the men on our team showed compassion and care for the women of the community, their men began to chip in. their men began to help. it's hard to imagine something as biblical as male leadership so void, but that's the kenyan culture. it's cool to see the Lord's hand, even in that.

there are so many culture differences that blow my mind. most of which cause me to struggle with my love for my own. as i've explained, these people know how to live. but the biggest thing the Lord showed me on this trip, home is my mission field.

"it's sad that it took this trip, $3500 and a 30 hour journey all the way to kenya for this to click. my mission is at home. we hear it all the time, your neighborhood is your mission field, but it's become reality to me now. americans are truly needy."

i memorized an entire chapter of the bible for the first time. on the trip. psalm 113. by my own choice. there is something about knowing scripture that truly changes the way you think. as psalm 113 repeats, over and over, "praise the Lord," it's something we hear all the time. we even believe it. we feel it. but when it's your thought, and constant meditation, there is new meaning. at least, there has been in my mind. i don't know that i've ever experienced more fear and reverence for the Lord, simply by repeating this scripture in my mind.

"praise the Lord. praise, o servants of the Lord. praise the name of the Lord. blessed be the name of the Lord from this time forth and forevermore. from the rising of the sun to it's setting, the name of the Lord is to be praised. He is high above all nations, and His glory above the heavens. who is like the Lord, our God, who is seated on high, who looks far down, on the heavens and the earth? He raises the poor from the dust and lifts the needy from the ash pit to make them sit with princes, the princes of His people. he gives the barren women a home and makes her the joyous mother of children. praise the Lord!"

what it means to you, i don't know. but my life is changing.

i was really encouraged by the story in matthew 25. when Jesus says to the sheep and the goats, "whatever you did for the least of these, you did for Me." let us feed the hungry. let us give drinks to the thirsty. let us invite in strangers. let us clothe the naked and take care of the sick. let us even, visit those in prison. all for the glory of the Lord. not because these are good things. not because it causes those around us to look on us with awe. no, to point all good things to the name of the Lord. when you do things for the least of these, you are doing them unto the Lord. praise Jesus.

i could go on and on. and i'll probably continue to ramble in following posts. i'm sorry to those who will get sick of hearing about kenya. hearing about africa. hearing about all the marvelous things the Lord is doing. your loss. the Lord's work is simply something for each of us to share and marvel in. the name of the Lord is to be praised.

God blesses. your ilfe is not your own.

kenya.

2009-07-07T23:13:00.000-07:00

*sigh*

it's finally hit me. i leave the country, actually, tomorrow.

flying from the atlanta airport to accra, ghana. from ghana to nairobi. children's home. karima. nairobi. dubai. back to atlanta in time for church sunday july 19. (:

i am beyond words excited. therefore, i don't have many words.

i'm so thankful. so blessed. this is finally happening.

guys, the Lord truly does give your heart desires. then, He gives you the desires of your heart. always be patient. i've waited 5 years for this one, and i'm so pleased that -now- is when i'm going. now is the perfect time, it's cool how His perfect plan is...perfect like this.

i met my team earlier this evening. about half of them. there are a couple younger girls, which of course thrills me. it's cool how the Lord is providing places for me to serve even before i leave, even those on my team. and of course i can serve anyone, but reaching out to those younger girls is where my heart is, and a gift the Lord has given me. i'm thrilled to use it. there are also a few married couples, who seem incredible. and some other individuals like myself. this is an adventure, in which i'm about to depart. really, about to.

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i'm really glad i have you, my friends. i was thinking tonight about how much i'll miss you. miss my community here at home. that's a blessing. there have certainly been times in my life where i was just ready to leave, and i am, but tomorrow, i know what i'm leaving. and it makes me thankful [not sad]. thankful for the love, support, friendship, accountability, and encouragement which the Lord has provided in the past year.

those who read this, i hope you know how much you mean to me. i know i fail often, but i want to show you nothing less than the love the Lord pours into me. i want to be "nothing more than God's servant, and nothing less than His child." thanks for encouraging me to grow, and serve.

so, like i mentioned earlier tonight...this is practice. 10 days, not a big deal, but preparing my heart for the chicago calling. of course, nothing is set in stone, but it's another adventure. another desire, placed in my heart by my loving Father, and if fulfilled, His glory alone.

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well, i thought i didn't have a lot of words. and i could certainly have a lot more, but i'll close here.

please pray for me. my heart. my health. my head.
thanks.

this july 4--

2009-07-04T05:45:00.000-07:00

psalm 113:1-6 . . . Praise the LORD! Praise, O servants of the LORD, praise the name of the LORD! Blessed be the name of the LORD from this time forth and forevermore! From the rising of the sun to its setting, the name of the LORD is to be praised! The LORD is high above all nations, and his glory above the heavens! Who is like the LORD our God, who is seated on high, who looks far down on the heavens and the earth?

i'm not usually one to be patriotic. but this year, the Lord has given me, by His grace, a new perspective.

He is high above all nations. He is high above our nation. despite where the people of our country put Him, despite our ignorance, He is seated on high.

our country, where we're at, how blessed we are, it is all thanks to Him. all praise to our Lord!

PRAISE THE LORD. BLESSED BE THE NAME OF THE LORD FROM THIS TIME 4th AND FOREVERMORE! [too far?]

happy 4th of july, my free friends. remember today the freedom you have in Him, not only the freedom our country is blessed with. remember your dependance upon Him, not only the independence of our great country.

sanctification

2009-06-27T19:24:00.000-07:00

it's a word i've never understood. not until past weeks.

it's God's grace, at work in my life. changing me, completely.

sanctification: "to make holy; set apart as sacred," "to purify or free from sin," "to make productive of or conducive to spiritual blessing."

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for example.

holding my tongue. it blows my mind when i realize, "wait, did i really not say that out loud?"

i'm seeing grace in my speech. i've got a long, LONG way to go, always will, i'm sure, but by the Lord's power, i'm resisting temptation. i'm holding my tongue in so many areas. in taking control, in fighting back, in being fowl.

in holding my tongue, i'm learning to listen. really, you get to know people a lot better when you really hear what they're saying, and it's easier to see the truth behind what they're saying, and their motives...listening is a big deal.

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psalm 109:21 . . . but You, o God my Lord, deal on my dehalf for Your Name's sake . . .

it's obviously all for His glory. beinging His children to glory only glorifies Him more.

thoughts?

blown away.

2009-06-19T21:11:00.002-07:00

do you like the wind? i really do. even if it's car-created. windows down, amazing. a sun roof, even better. but a convertible?! i've decided it's something i'm working towards.

a 1965, yellow mustang convertible.

blast.

does that blow you away?

i'm blown away by more than the wind tonight. mercy.

mercy. "an act of kindness, compassion, or favor." "something that gives evidence of divine favor."

the wind, to me, is God's mercy. it, "gives evidence of divine favor." it's God's powerful hand, moving to show kindness and compassion. it blows me away.

that's all i got.

my flesh.

2009-06-16T17:10:00.000-07:00

the first time i saw this, about two years ago, i thought to myself, "that's beautiful."

do you know how sick that is? i've thought about it a whole lot, through my hippie accusations and my "let's love" mentality. truth is, without Jesus, that's who i would be. a hippie. an anything goes, whatever works for you, love works for me, lets get high, life is to be lived...hippie. like i said, without Jesus.

but by His grace, i've been saved from that. by His grace i have to walk that seemingly fine line between LoVe! and God's love.

it may be trure, in fact, it is true, God's love is unconditional. and it's also true, Jesus walked this earth living out that unconditional love. His love was accepting. His love was genuine. and His love was for everyone. but where the fine line falls, is believing for one second that Jesus didn't call people out. we can't think for one moment that Jesus didn't tell people how it is, challenge them, and speak truth.

so that's what true love is. true love is Truth, speaking Truth. no matter the consequence. or a better word, sacrifice.

that's where i fall. thats where i struggle. telling people they're wrong. though i feel like i simply want to be kind, and that i don't want to appear prideful, it is in actuality my pride that keeps me from speaking truth. no matter how i try and fail to justify my "aaccept them" mindset, it's always wrong. there is truth in accepting people, accepting who they are, where they're at, but there is no truth in not speaking out. there is no truth in holding back.

so it is a fine line. at least for my flesh. it's hard for me to be the one stepping on toes. the Gospel is offensive, yet i in no way want to offend.

why? fear. worry. rejection.

so what am i called to? sacrifice.

just a few thoughts i've been rethinking. a few things i've been meditating on. perhaps the Lord has provided challenge or encouragement to you, where you're at.

romans 12:1-3 . . . I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned.

2009-06-13T11:23:00.000-07:00

I’ve forgotten how much I love writing. In beginning to read again, I’ve been inspired. I’m finishing up, “Boy meets Girl,” by Joshua Harris…it has only proved to challenge and encourage me right where I’m at. Here’s a hint of my new perspective.

I want to court!

In coming out of a painful and rough almost 3 year dating relationship, my perspective on marriage has changed completely. I’m finding that the man I want is the man I have to wait for.

The Savior’s grace has blown me away more now than ever. In freeing me from my greatest idol [my ex-boyfriend] He has brought me to a place of true joy and peace in Him.

My perspective on courting in the past has been skeptical and judgmental. Though somewhat true, I thought there was nothing wrong with “dating” as long as we tried to glorify the Lord. And we did. We did try. But through a lack of guidance and guarding, we did nothing but set our relationship up for failure, and it failed. We set ourselves up for pain, and regret, and it occurred.

So my perspective has changed. Courting or dating, no matter the terminology, I know things will be different in my future. I now know what I want.

What do I want? The man I want is one who pursues. A man who forces me to be a woman. A man who finds joy in wooing me. A man whose desire is to do nothing but lead me to the Lord, honor and love me.

I’ve been searching for the man I want since I was fourteen years old. When I’ve had crushes, I’ve pursued the thought of a relationship. I’ve been open about feelings. I’ve fiddled around with hearts trying to find what I want. I have taken control.

But again, what do I want? The man that I want, that I described two paragraphs up, he isn’t one I can find. He is one I must wait patiently for.

If I want a man who will pursue me, doesn’t pursuing him completely defeat the purpose? If I want a man who forces me to be a woman, doesn’t my leading the relationship ruin everything? If I want a man who finds true joy in wooing me, will my nagging a man who doesn’t help anything?

The man whose desire is to lead me to the cross, whose desire is to honor and love me, he is worth waiting for.

“Faith for a man is willingness to be rejected. Faith for a woman is willingness to wait.”

By God’s grace, I’m waiting. By God’s grace He has opened my eyes. I was blinded to the joy He brings in waiting. I was robbing myself of what I truly desire. My true desire is from the Lord. He has placed that desire in my heart. That desire is not for the man I want, but instead for the man I need. And by my Lord’s amazing grace, that man will find pleasure in pursuing this wreck of a woman.

It’s hard at times humbly realizing the time I’ve wasted. It’s painful to think of the mistakes I’ve made. Yet in my weakness, my Lord has proved strong. In my brokenness He has been my comfort. When I, like Israel forgot His power, He has consistently proved faithful.

I couldn’t be more thankful. I wish I could come up with real words to describe how the Lord has saved me, but none express His glory.

This place I’m in isn’t one to be taken for granted. I’ve found joy and peace in waiting for the past few weeks, but what about when it takes years? His grace is amazing, and it’s enough for me. I must continue to cling to His promises in a daily pursuit of faith. Just because I’m ecstatic now doesn’t mean I will not grow weary. But my hope is in the Lord.

I’m currently being called to truly place my hope in Him. I am praying about a job opportunity in Chicago. This is huge.

Moving to Chicago means leaving 20 years of life behind.
Moving to Chicago means giving to the Lord my idea of how my love story should be written.
Moving to Chicago will be a step of faith I’ve never had to take.

That step of faith is my biggest desire. I want to respond to the desire the Lord has given me for this job, the opportunity He has provided, the talent He has given me, and His timing. If my hope is truly in Him, leaving Woodstock and leaving what’s familiar, only His perfect plan for my life will unfold.

The two topics of this blog may be completely unrelated to you, but to my dreams and my plan, they go hand in hand. I know the Lord will only continue to blow me away by His love.

One last thing that the Lord has put on my heart, I don’t have to let go of my dreams. I simply have to hold them with open hands. “Open hands” is something I could go on and on about, but I choose not to at this particular moment in time. But there is great joy in knowing my dreams are not bad, but simply nothing compared to how the Lord desires to bless me. I must keep my hands open so the Lord may give and take away.

Psalm 84:11 . . . No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly.

Proverbs 16:9 . . . The heart of a man plans his way, but the Lord establishes His steps.

Psalm 37:4 . . . Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.

God over all.

2009-04-12T20:03:00.001-07:00

God over all
Giver of life and health and breath
I want to sing of Your love
Came as a man
Humble, You died the sinner’s death
I want to sing of Your love

Your love has saved me
By Your grace I now draw near, and
Your love has set me
Free to glorify Your name
And I, I want to sing of Your love

I’ll never forget
That You have bought me with Your blood
I want to sing of Your love
In all I do
May Your great love be shining through
I want to sing of Your love

And on that day
When You come back to claim Your own
Yes, we will sing of Your love
Then we’ll bow down
Praise You forever at Your throne
Yes, we will sing of Your love

psalm 42. + some.

2009-02-10T17:16:00.000-08:00

As a deer pants for flowing streams,
so pants my soul for You, O God.
My soul thirsts for God,
for the living God.
When shall I come and appear before God?
My tears have been my food
day and night,
while they say to me all the day long,
"Where is your God?"
These things I remember,
as I pour out my soul:
how I would go with the throng
and lead them in procession to the house of God
with glad shouts and songs of praise,
a multitude keeping festival.
Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him,
my Salvation and my God.

My soul is cast down within me;
therefore I remember You
from the land of Jordan and of Hermon,
from Mount Mizar.
Deep calls to deep
at the roar of your waterfalls;
all your breakers and your waves
have gone over me.
By day the LORD commands his steadfast love,
and at night his song is with me,
a prayer to the God of my life.
I say to God, my Rock:
"Why have you forgotten me?
Why do I go mourning
because of the oppression of the enemy?"
As with a deadly wound in my bones,
my adversaries taunt me,
while they say to me all the day long,
"Where is your God?"

Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him,
my salvation and my God.

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first off: my tears have been my food.
second: that makes me angry. i'm trying SO hard. [obviously too hard] to give up, to lay it down before my Lord. i'm praying constantly, digging into His Word, but i'm downcast. my soul is cast down. and i'm questioning.

where -is- my God? why is He "forgetting" me? He promises not to. He promises to never leave or forsake me. obviously, this pain is not half of what i deserve, so i know He is here, He is showing me grace. but i'm weary.

i need prayer. i need people to join me in prayer. i need people to lay their hands on me and pray. i'm angry, lost, confused, humbled, obviously.

my plans always fail.

if you ever saw this, you would know.

2008-10-01T20:43:00.000-07:00

"Oh, It Is Love" - Hellogoodbye.

Oh, it is love
From the first time I set my eyes up on yours
Thinking oh, is it love?

Oh dear
It's been hardly a moment
And you are already missed
There is still a bit of your skin
That I've yet to have kissed
Oh say please do not go
But you know, oh, you know that I must
Oh say I love you so
But you know, oh, you know you can trust
We'll be holding hands once again
All our broken plans I will mend
I will hold you tight so you know
It is love from the first
Time I pressed my hand into yours
Thinking oh is it love?

Oh, dear, it's been hardly three days
And I'm longing to feel your embrace.
There are several days
Until I can see your sweet face.
Oh say, wouldn't you like to be older and married with me
Oh say, wouldn't it be nice to know right now that we'll be
Someday holding hands in the end
All our broken plans will have been
I will kiss you soft so you know
It is love from the first
Time I pressed my lips against yours
Thinking oh is it love?

Your heart may long for love that is more near
So when I'm gone these words will be here
To ease every fear
And dry up every tear
And make it very clear
I kiss you and I know
It is love from the first
Time I pressed my lips against yours
Thinking oh is it love?

Oh it is love from the first
Time I pressed my lips against yours
Thinking oh is it love?

I kiss you and I know
It is love from the first
Time I pressed my lips onto yours
Thinking oh is it love?

breaking down the box.

2008-09-20T16:42:00.000-07:00

a box broken down is still a box. [5]

I couldn’t tell you exactly how I got here.

I’m young. I’m a college drop out. I’m working full time at a bank. That’s not me.

Something put me here.

Someone put me here.

Something has done something to me.

Someone has done something to me.

A year ago, I wouldn’t ever have thought of writing a book. But given the time to slow down. Given the time to listen to the Lord. Given the time to open the Word. Given the time to let people in.

Jesus changed me.

He put something inside me.

He is the only explanation for what is being built. Who He is speaking through. Who He is writing through. It’s grace, for His glory.

Just as He has worked in my life and continues to make me a completely new person through His Holy Spirit, He longs to do the same for you.

Once He is removed from the box, and explored for who He is, you find out who He has made you.

I’ve gone into minor detail about who I have been. Hard. Independent. Selfish.

That’s my flesh.

I still fall into it at times. I still want to push people away. I still want to take control. I still sometimes strive for perfection and expect too much from myself.

There is freedom.

I’m no longer living.

But Christ is alive, in me.

By His perfect grace, my flesh is dead, and His Spirit lives.

Romans 8:2-3 . . . because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering.

Romans 8:9-11 . . . You, however, are controlled not by the sinful nature but by the Spirit, if the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he does not belong to Christ. But if Christ is in you, your body is dead because of sin, yet your spirit is alive because of righteousness. And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit, who lives in you.

Are you ready to let go of control?

Are you ready to expect from only the Lord?

Then and only then will you become who God had created you to be. You will find freedom in Christ. God will be God, and become Lord of your life.

This is living in the Lord’s will.

This is walking to the edge of the cliff. Throwing everything you have over the edge, then throwing yourself over, and trusting that the Lord will catch you. Not having to know when or where.

Believe that He will.

Who does God want you to be? The Word spells it out for us. Clearly.

Who has God created you to be? That is what He wants to reveal to you. He demands glory. The best way you can glorify Him is by removing Him from the box.

The box can be broken down. But what do we do with it. It’s still there.

It’s still a box.

We have to be careful not to open it.

That’s the warning.

Anything we place in the box is what we long for control over. What we have expectations of. What we idolize. What come between us, and who God truly is.

Psalm 90:8 . . . You have set our iniquities before You, our secret sins in the light of Your presence.

Psalm 90:17 . . . May the favor
of the Lord our God rest upon us;
establish the work of our hands for us—
yes, establish the work of our hands

breaking down the box.

2008-09-12T14:12:00.000-07:00

recognizing mortality. [4]

We have discussed the two main reasons for placing God in a box.

The need for control.

Setting self-glorifying expectations.

But how does a god in a box affect you?

What is so wrong with taking Him out when you want Him?

Isn’t it easier that way?

Why is it that we always think and live like God wants to make our lives easy?

He isn’t a genie in a bottle, and He isn’t a god in a box.

Was the life of David easy? No, and he was a man after God’s own heart.

Was the life of Jesus easy? No, and He was God’s own Son!

Was the life of Paul easy? No, and he was a man strong in relaying God’s Word.

Christians are not called to an “easy” life.

I think its best put in a song by Ginny Owens.

“It may not be the way I would have chosen, when you lead me through a world that's not my own. But You never said it would be easy; You only said I'll never go alone.” –Ginny Owens, If You Want Me To

There is truth to this statement.

“You only said I’ll never go alone.”

Hebrews 13:5 . . . God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”

We will never be alone.

He is always by our side. If we free Him from the box.

Though we’re not alone, and we have the God who makes all things possible by our side, does that make our lives easy? I doubt any of us would raise our hand to that.

If anything, our lives are only harder.

Most times when things get hard, we then turn to Jesus. We rub the magic lamp and hope that our genie in a bottle or god in a box will pop out and make all our problems, struggles and failures disappear.

It doesn’t happen that way.

Then we blame God, because He hasn’t been the “god” we need, and we put the lamp away, we shove Him back into a box.

Why do we think that God has failed us if we struggle?

Why do we believe we’re alone if we don’t hear answers or see change?

Sometimes we think we’re listening when we’re not. Sometimes we put our ear right up to that blasted box, yet we still don’t hear a sound.

Why? God isn’t in there.

That thing we have created is in there.

God has been placed where He doesn’t belong.
We’re not going to get anywhere by relying on something we ourselves have created.

Recognizing my mortality is uncomfortable at times. Recognizing that I still think that I deserve an easier life with fewer problems, simply because Jesus is on my side. Recognizing that I still want to be in control. Recognizing that my self-glorifying expectations remain.
Painful realization. That’s not fun. It’s humbling. It hurts. Honestly, it makes me feel terrible about myself.

That’s when I go to my box. I pull that “thing” out. I confess where I have been. But because of my limited ability to think, because of my mind that can only think with boundaries, the truth is that thing will do me no good.

What is the point of recognizing why I place God in a box?

I have a need for control. I have countless self-glorifying expectations. Why is understanding that so important?

It shows me the only truth that gives me a hope of releasing God from the box.
I am not God.

And that thing inside the box, it is not God either.

He cannot be created. There is no other “version” of Him.

I will fail. I am man. I am fallen.

That is a constant reality check.

I would like to say that we can remove God from the box we have created, and see Him for who He truly is, but the truth is: it will always be a struggle.

We will always fall back into needing control.

We will always start expecting things wrongly of others, ourselves, and God.

We will always fail and life will not ever be easy.

So where is the hope? What is truth?

We are not alone. The Lord will not leave or forsake us. Others are in this constant struggle as well.

As we face temptation to fall, we have to remember that Christ faced the same temptation as well.

Then when we fall, and realize we are not God, we are not Christ; we can remember who He is. Who we are not, but who He is.

That’s what is beautiful about falling. God is glorified. When we are humbled, He finds glory.

That breaks down a wall. That opens up the box. The box is still there, but it’s beginning to be broken down.

Getting to know who God is begins to free Him. It begins to free us. Free us from failure, and free us from selfishness. Life slowly changes and is no longer about us, but about glorifying Him.

Is that not our purpose?

Is our God not one of extreme praise-worthiness?

Should we not live life on our knees before Him?

Sure they get tired, and sometimes we get up, but can we begin to give God glory, even in our walking?

How do we do that? We simply recognize that we have failed, are failing, and will continue to fail. We need God.

That lets God be God.

That breaks down the box.

That brings me back to the original question, How does God in a box affect you?

Ultimately, if the box isn’t being broken down, if you aren’t releasing control, and abandoning expectations, if you are not recognizing your own discredit, you’re living luke-warm. If you’re not jumping into the struggle, you’re remaining stagnant. If you’re not reaching for change, you will never begin maturation. You will never live a life which brings God glory.

God calls us to growth.

Paul is one of my favorite examples of growth and change. Going from Saul, an atheist, to a change of names, Paul, the Lord’s servant.

In Philippians Paul tells of his strategy for growth.

Philippians 3:12-13 . . . Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead.

Paul decides to recognize his mortality, “Not that I have already been made perfect,” and strain toward what is ahead.

Growth in Christ is part of getting to know Him. When you grow, you begin to looking like Him.

Beginning to live like Christ is not becoming religious. Or trying to look perfect.

Living like Christ is something that happens only when the Lord performs a work inside of you.

But we must be willing to [as we’ve thought about] surrender control.

Romans 12:1-2 . . . So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.

Being willing is fixing your attention on Him. Obeying is responding quickly to what the Spirit calls you to. Knowing the Spirit and your calling comes from the change which God performs when you live like Jesus.

Living like Jesus is what happens when you let go, when you surrender. You are no longer yourself, but Christ is living through you.

2 Corinthians 5:17 . . . If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation, the old has gone, and the new has come.

Life was not easy for Christ, but He recognized that it shouldn’t be.

Romans 15:3 . . . [Jesus] didn't make it easy for himself by avoiding people's troubles, but waded right in and helped out. "I took on the troubles of the troubled," is the way Scripture puts it. Even if it was written in Scripture long ago, you can be sure it's written for us. God wants the combination of his steady, constant calling and warm, personal counsel in Scripture to come to characterize us, keeping us alert for whatever he will do next. May our dependably steady and warmly personal God develop maturity in you so that you get along with each other as well as Jesus gets along with us all. Then we'll be a choir—not our voices only, but our very lives singing in harmony in a stunning anthem to the God and Father of our Master Jesus!

My encouragement to you for growing in knowledge of Him, and growing in Him, is to let the Scripture come to “characterize” you. Let Him sing a stunning anthem through you.

In order for that to happen, you must choose to be in His Word. You must choose to study and memorize.

Let the Lord complete you.

When we let God work in us, move us, and mature us, again, it makes us recognize our mortality.

We are not God.

God is God.

The box is breaking.

breaking down the box.

2008-09-07T22:05:00.001-07:00

abandoning expectations. [3]

Expectation: an expectant mental attitude; assumption; presumption; speculation.

Like feeling the need for control, expectations are part of being human.

What if we were to abandon all expectations we have which glorify ourselves, and dwell only on expectations of the Lord which He calls us to?

In my mind, there are two categories of expectations:

Self-glorifying.

God-glorifying.

By having expectations of anyone or anything outside of God’s glory, we are setting ourselves up for struggle. Expectations can be destructive.

Self-glorifying expectations are those that we have of others, ourselves, man’s creation, and sometimes even of God. These expectations are those that bring disappointment or hurt when they are not met.
We expect others to meet our needs. We expect others to get things done. We expect others to understand us. Sometimes we even expect others to misunderstand us because of our past wounds.

From ourselves we sometimes expect perfection. We expect ourselves to be super-spiritual. We expect ourselves to complete assignments as asked. We may have low expectations of ourselves which cause depression and complacency.

Sometimes we expect God to do things a certain way. We expect Him to do things the way we ask when we ask for them. We expect God to bring healing, we expect God to provide. The thing about these expectations of God is that they are not necessarily wrong. God calls us to expect big things from Him. Whether we’re expecting Him to do things our way or not is what makes these expectations of the Lord wrong or right.

How are we to exchange our self-glorifying expectations for God-glorifying ones? Is it possible?

We must understand the type of expectations which bring Him glory.

Psalm 5:3 . . . In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation.

Are the expectations of the psalmist here expectations that the Lord isn’t honored by? No, they show an understanding of His power. The psalmist prays, “Lord, I know you can grant my request.” I doubt the psalmist would find disappointed if the Lord said no, or didn’t answer at all. If he trusted that God can hear his voice, and that God can grant his requests, would he not also trust the Lord to do things His way, in His time?

Philippians 1:20 . . . I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death.

Paul expected these things of himself, not because it would please others, or bring himself glory, but instead because it would glorify the Lord.

A God-glorifying expectation.

Once, I was listening to a “message on tape” by Kay Arthur of Precepts Ministries International. Kay said something that has stuck with me, and has become a practice of my own. She told a story about going through her Bible challenging God’s promises, “You said You would do this, now do it.”

This is the kind of thing I believe the Lord wants from us. He wants us to dig into His Word when we need answers. He wants us to say, “Lord, you promised you would answer to those who love you, so answer me.” The Lord will fulfill His promises.

Our God is a God of promises. And he keeps them.

Expecting Him to fulfill those promises is trusting Him. It is understanding who He is, and the power He has, thus removing Him from the limits and lines we draw around Him.

We expect promises to be broken. Why? Because all of the promises that we can think of have been broken. They are promises made by men.

There is sanctity to the Lord’s character. In the Lord’s promises. We not only can, but we should expect Him to keep His promises.

We cannot hold expectations of others, ourselves, or anything man made.

We can hold God-glorifying expectations of the Lord, because He will fulfill His promises, for His own glory.

Having expectations of others destroys relationships. I’ve learned the hard way. Expectations in relationships destroy us and they destroy the other person or persons involved. Why? Man will never meet our expectations; he will never fill our void.

Man is fallen. Man is broken. Man is weak.

Man cannot do anything on his own. Yet, we so often expect others to meet our needs. Whether emotionally, physically, et cetera.

We go to person after person, whether it be a friend or someone of the opposite sex. We even go from object to object, or situation to situation. No matter how amazing a person, no matter how “satisfying” an object, or how wonderful a job, sooner or later these things fail. And when they fail, destruction occurs.

We expect these things to meet our needs, and when we get what we think we need, there is still a void.

The Lord is the only One who can fill that void. Yet we still have expectations that others will fill it for us.

When we have low expectations of people, we’re limiting God’s power in their life. We are believing that the Lord cannot change their hearts.

When we have high expectations of people, we’re expecting things which they cannot provide.

When we expect of the Lord, we’re showing trust, believing truth, and understanding the power and authority He has over all things [Ephesians 1:22> And God placed all things under His feet and appointed Him to be head over everything].

I’ve discussed some of my wounds. I’ve discussed how easy it is for me to love others, but I struggle with loving myself. I also struggle greatly with letting others love me. Because I’ve grown up so independently, I have trouble letting others help me. It’s very difficult for me to open up to others, and trust is one of my biggest issues.

Or, it was.

The Lord has used a couple people to change that in my life. People to prove me wrong, when I expected to be hurt. One to give me a constant shoulder to cry on, and another to show me unconditional love, expecting nothing in return.

I lost all three best friends in one year. I had deep, intimate, real relationships with these three. Two girls and one guy. These relationships built me up. They encouraged me. They kept me going.

Finally after three or four years of these incredible relationships, expectations sprouted. The three of my friends were not meeting my expectations. From the girls, I expected them to understand me, the fact that it was hard for me to open up. I expected them to know what I was thinking and drag my thoughts out of me. From the guy, I expected him to agree with me on what was “best” for us. I expected him to remain my friend after I hurt him. They all failed to meet my expectations.

Or better stated, I failed. I failed by having expectations.

Having expectations of these friends destroyed our relationships. I lost the people that meant the most to me outside of my family. It was all because of expectations.

This loss caused me to shut down even more. It was even harder for me to trust. It was even harder for me to open up. These people said that we would always be friends. And now we weren’t. How could I trust people?

In the next couple of years following, the Lord brought two people along who displayed the love of Christ in a way I had never witnessed. One of them was the first person to see me cry over something emotional, she remains my best friend to this day.

The other, God has used to change my life. God has chosen him as His primary tool in making me the woman He has designed me to be.

When I began having expectations in this relationship, they were low. I expected him to walk away the moment I hurt him, because of my previous wounds. I expected him to shut me out of his life as soon as I struggled. But he didn’t.

God proved me wrong.

Proverbs 16:9 has always proved true in my life. “In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines His steps.” As I have mentioned, the moment I plan something, the Lord proves me wrong. And I had expectations that anyone I came in contact with would walk out of my life the moment they knew who I truly was.

As I said, God proved me wrong.

The first time I hurt him, he remained a close and loving friend. I hurt him again, and he stayed by my side. I pushed him away, but he didn’t let go.

It was God in him. It was God’s grace upon him. God’s love flowing through him. And God proved me wrong. My expectations were wrong.

These expectations brought hurt upon both of us.

I wasn’t trusting the Lord, because I wasn’t trusting people. I couldn’t be vulnerable. God used this person to change my heart. To teach me love. To teach me trust. To teach me vulnerability. To teach me how to work through struggle.

Through all of these relationship struggles, the Lord has taught me the sin in self-glorifying expectations.

High expectations of my three best friends destroyed our relationships. It brought extreme pain to myself. And extreme pain to each of them.
Low expectations in following relationships have also been destructive.

Praise be to God for the way He has brought healing in many relationships, and a new understanding of expectations.

When we have self-glorifying expectations, we are not living in love. Not letting God be God.

1 John 4:8 . . . Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.

Love is the chief characteristic by which we are to live.

Luke 6:35 . . . But love your enemies [and your friends], do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back.

Love shows no expectations.

Expectations limit love.

God is love.

Expectations limit God.

breaking down the box.

2008-09-04T20:38:00.001-07:00

surrendering control. [2]

The summer after my junior year I went to my church’s youth camp. The same youth camp which my church has attended for over a decade. Great Commission Ministries’ High School Leadership Training [HSLT] in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina.

This specific year the week was themed, “Surrender.” We received shirts reading, “I Surrender,” and each youth group involved designed their own “white flag.”

That was the first year I went to camp and didn’t get a “spiritual high” that dissipated within the next few weeks of returning home. This trip was not a “mountain top” experience.

That was the week when it hit me.

I had prayed and accepted Christ as a six year old. I gave my life to Him. Isn’t that what becoming a “Christian” is all about? Giving your life away? Why had I been living like my life was my own?

My life working up to that summer, I lived outwardly like a good Christian. I went to church 2 times a week. Every two weeks I attended a small group with a couple other girls my age. I wasn’t afraid to share the gospel. I was leading devotionals at school events. I mentored to younger girls on my Christian school’s cheerleading squad. I always set a good example. I probably appeared close to perfect.

I had been living like God was part of my life. And He was just that . . . a part of my life.

I wasn’t emotional. I had that under control. I was well liked and had plenty of friends. That was under control as well. I had a great job, making more money than anyone my age. Finances were under control. My grades were great. Parents were pleased. I had my life under control.

Wrong.

I had been living like God was a part of my life.

I had not been living like He was Lord of my life.

Simply because . . . He wasn’t.

God was another aspect of my life which I believed I had control over.

I always wondered why I was giving, giving, giving, then finally I would CRASH. I wondered why I was constantly physically and spiritually, and often socially and mentally drained.

It finally hit me at age seventeen, attending HSLT; I was living my life by my own strength. Emotion took over, and the week was incredibly humbling. I left feeling weak and broken, but it was the beginning of a growing experience. God was beginning a maturing process inside me. He was beginning to grow me up into a woman, the woman He had already created me to be.

I finally surrendered control to God, and I finally understood what that meant. It meant that when I returned home, I had to surrender my life again. And the next morning, once again. And repeat. I finally understood that giving up and letting go was a moment-by-moment necessity in my spiritual walk.

From that point on, my relationship with the Lord became real. I started experiencing the Father in a whole new way. He revealed Himself to me like I had never seen before. I realized that the god which I had been “following” before was not the same God I now knew. Not at all. The old god whom I “followed” was a limited, defined god which I had created based off of different truths I had seen and heard.
This new God was exciting and powerful. I began to see the vastness of His character.

Now notice I said, “Based off of truths.” I was exposed to truth, yet my primitive faith was something I created. It was not a change of heart which the Lord had placed inside of me.

There are certain aspects of life which are harder to surrender than others. Something we must understand is that those aspects differ from person to person, situation to situation and from circumstance to circumstance.

For many people, the hardest thing to surrender is their love life.

For others, their pride.

Some people struggle most with surrendering their insecurity.

Whatever the struggle, why do we believe we can’t let go? Or is that that we believe we shouldn’t let go?

I couldn’t let go of control in my life, because subconsciously, I thought that God didn’t want to handle my life. He didn’t want to handle me. For some people, they believe that God can’t handle their lives. He can’t handle who they are.

That brings us back to the box.

Not surrendering control over your life limits God. Limits your experience of Him.

Thinking God doesn’t want to deal with you, or doesn’t want to bear your burden is going against who He is. You’re deciding for God. You’re deciding something about Him that contradicts truth.

Thinking that God can’t take care of you is different but it has the same result. Contradicting truth, and placing God in a box.

How do you surrender to the Lord? The box has to be opened and the walls must be torn down.

If you struggle with believing the Lord wants to switch yokes, you have to grow in understanding of who you are in Him.

If you struggle with believing in the power He holds over all things, you have to grow in understanding of who He is.

Maybe you struggle with both?

I think to a degree, we all do.

Who are you in Him?

John 1:12 states that you are His child.

John 15:15 states that you are His friend.

Romans 5:1, you have been justified.

1 Corinthians 12:27, you are a part of Christ’s body.

You’re chosen by Him, Ephesians 1:4.

Colossians 2:10 says that in Him you are made complete. That’s huge.

Romans 8:1, you are free from condemnation.

2 Timothy 1:7, you have a Spirit of power, not fear.

1 Corinthians 3:16, you are His temple!

This is exciting stuff. And the list continues. Digging into His Word is the best way to grow in understanding of how the Lord views you. His Word is Truth.
Truth.

Matthew 11:28-30 . . . "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Zephaniah 3:17 . . . The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.

You are the creator’s creation. He cherishes you. Every aspect of you.

The journey of learning who I am in Christ began with a book. And surprisingly not the Bible [another example that God does things in different ways].

The book is titled Captivating, written by Stasi and John Eldridge. This book is designed to help women understand the elements of God’s character which He has placed uniquely in them, as opposed to men. John also wrote another book, Wild at Heart, directed to men for the same purpose.
The Lord used Captivating to reveal to me a side of myself which no matter how hard I try, I cannot escape.

And prior to this reading experience [and even now at times] I was constantly trying to escape.

Despite the lies to myself and others, I am a woman at large [No, I didn’t tell others I was a man]. With being a woman comes certain characteristics, characteristics that prior to reading the book I viewed as curses. I refused to be “female.”

I rebelled against emotion.

I refused to have a desire for attention.

I tried to avoid drama.

I didn’t want to be a “dumb girl.”

As a side note, I must to explain to you what I mean by being a “dumb girl. Short story, which will easily explain my aversion to being “female,” or what I have so arrogantly deemed as female.

My oldest brother [four years older than I] was the first in my family to go to public school. He started in 5th grade, and from then on until high school graduation, he was a stud. I’m talking major “hottie.” He was athletic, intelligent, friendly, and incredibly good looking. He was captain of the varsity soccer team from sophomore year until he graduated. He was Homecoming King, Mr. Woodstock High School, he would have been crowned Prom King if it weren’t for the school rule against being “triple-crowned.”

Well of course the girls flocked. There wasn’t a girl who didn’t want Benjamin’s attention. I liked a few of them, but the “dumb girls” definitely outnumbered the ones whose existence I enjoyed.
I once walked into his room to ask him a quick question and he was on the phone with his girlfriend at the time. I began turn and leave, when with panic on his face he frantically motioned to stop me. Without stopping to ask the girl [who I question to this day if he even knew her name] to hold on a minute, he covered the mouth piece.

“Emily, take the phone and just say, ‘mhm . . .’ or ‘yeah . . .’ every few minutes.” Then he handed me the phone. I thought he had to be kidding. But looking up to my big brother the way I did [and the way I do], I obeyed. 5-10 minutes later I handed the phone back to him. I was in shock. The “dumb girl” had talked and talked and talked. She didn’t for a moment even question if he was listening. She had not even noticed his absence. Or my presence.

It was at that moment, close to age 9, when I handed the phone back to my big brother, that I made a vow to myself. I would never be a self-absorbed bimbo with nothing to do but listen to myself talk. I wouldn’t be emotional. I wouldn’t be needy. I would never become this picture of what [in my mind] was “being female.”

Captivating opened my eyes to the fact that I am. I am a female. I desire to be beautiful. I desire attention. I desire to be loved.

Before, I was independent [in an unhealthy way]. I was beyond confident, and my confidence wasn’t found in Christ.

As I realized the characteristics I had and could not get away from, my first reaction was rough. I had become what I vowed I never would be.

I had emotions. I needed people? I had insecurities?

How could other people love someone so needy? How could people love someone emotional, someone insecure? I certainly couldn’t.

The bigger question was: how could God?

That was when the Lord began to reveal to me who I was in Him. The me that He saw.

After that process began, and I began to see that God loved me for being female, I now had to learn to love myself.

Loving other people has always come easy to me. But loving myself is one of my biggest struggles. Even as I continue to learn who I am in Christ, I still have a tendency to hold expectations of myself. Of perfection, and nothing less. Yet from others, I hold little to no expectations. I can accept and forgive without hesitation.

The Lord gave me a vision a couple years back which sparked some healing. It gave me a new view of myself.

In the vision I saw a girl. Beaten and battered. Bruised, cold, wet. She was sitting in a corner, in filthy clothing and her hair was a stringy mess. Her head was down on her knees and she was shaking slightly. I stood at a distance looking at her.

Immediately all I felt was compassion.
I loved her.

I wanted to be there for her. I wanted to comfort her. I wanted to listen. I wanted to take care. I wanted to provide. I wanted to help her.

I was curious. I slowly approached.

The girl hesitantly looked up. Her face was red, tear-drenched, her eyes were swollen and blood-shot. Yet there was something beautiful about her. In her vulnerability. Her humility. As I inched closer something hit me like a ton of bricks. It made my stomach drop. My mouth was dry.

It was me.

The girl, the broken, needy, beautiful girl I was approaching was me. And I loved her?

It was as if God was challenging me. If I had felt the love and compassion for her before I knew who she was, why should that change now? Why couldn’t I love myself?

For a moment I had loved myself. I loved that girl, no matter how needy. No matter how broken. She was beautiful in brokenness, beautiful in vulnerability. She was loveable.

That vision was another turning point in my understanding of love for and from the Lord. For the first time I felt a love for myself, simply because the Lord loved me.

This was me giving up control of who God was.

As I continued to grow, I couldn’t give God character, He was placing character within me.

For those of you who don’t struggle with how the Lord views you. Perhaps you struggle with how you view the Lord?

Who is God?

How do you view Him?

Is your view in line with who He is? With His limitless power? Or do you struggle with surrendering your life to Him because deep down you don’t believe that He can handle it?

Is your view of Him skewed?

God reveals His power to people in many different ways. He displays it extravagantly through His Holy Word. Beautifully through His hand-crafted creation. Brilliantly through miracles. Lovingly through relationships. Graciously through blessings.

In the past couple of months I’ve been doing a read-through of the Psalms. There are few things that have ever made me want to praise the Father for His power more than the psalmists’ book of Truth.

Repeatedly the psalmists tell of the Lord’s might, of His power, and how He alone is worthy of our praise.

Psalm 28:8 . . . The Lord is the strength of His people, a fortress of salvation for His anointed people.

The Lord is the Strength of all those saved. He has got to be strong, no?

Psalm 29 talks about the Lord’s voice. Simply His voice. In all It’s greatness.

It has control over all the waters. It is powerful. It is majestic. It breaks cedars. It strikes with flashes of lightning. It shakes the desert.

What kind of voice twists and shatters trees into pieces? What kind of voice has power over the oceans? Only the voice of God. The voice of someone with power beyond our comprehension.

Psalm 33:8-9 . . . Let all the earth fear the LORD; let all the people of the world revere Him. For He spoke, and it came to be; He commanded, and it stood firm.

Do you fear the Lord?

Fear of the Lord comes with understanding who He is. The power He holds. The control He has. The strength He contains. The comfort He gives. The forgiveness He bestows. The grace He gifts. The peace which He is.

Letting go because He is in control is important. You must realize your plans for your life, your plans for your relationships, your plans for your attitude, decision making process, finances, will fail, and only His plans will come to be.

Psalm 33:10-11 . . . The LORD foils the plans of the nations; He thwarts the purposes of the peoples. But the plans of the LORD stand firm forever, the purposes of His heart through all generations.

I’ve been considered odd because of my love for transcendental writing. Thoreau, Emerson. Fantastic. It’s all about the looking inward and the extreme elevation of nature.

There is a large element of truth to it. Nature should be elevated.

God’s creation is a perfect, vivid, tangible example of His power.

Look out a window. Better yet, step outside. Just be quiet. Close your eyes. Breathe in a deep breath and slowly release it. No matter how hot, or how cold it may be, it’s beautiful. You cannot argue with that.

Look at the intricacy of a leaf, or the miniature world before you when you look closely at your grass. Get down on your knees and take a look. There is more to your yard than green strands [or brown if you live in GA] peeking out of the dirt, though, even that is marvelous!

The importance of surrendering your life to the Lord is not something that I or anyone can convince you of. It’s something you have to claim.

Understanding of His power isn’t something that you can be taught. It’s something the Lord must demonstrate to you. It’s something He will open your heart to, something He will open your eyes to.
My challenge to you is this. Look a little closer at His creation. Dig a lot deeper into His Word. Count your blessings. Think back to how prayers have been answered and His plan has come together.

The Lord is worthy of control.

The Lord has control.

That should be enough. Once it is, the box will begin crumbling.

Relinquishing control is the most difficult battle we have to fight as Christians. The battle is so much more than we see.

We are not the only ones at war.

There are spiritual battles going on all around us. At this very moment the Lord’s warriors are fighting demons for your attention.

Surrender is giving up and allowing the Lord to fight your battle.

breaking down the box. chapter 1.

2008-08-31T14:35:00.000-07:00

breaking down the box. [1]

Multifaceted. Adj. Having many faces or aspects.

Is that a word you use or hear used to describe the Lord? Often? It should be.

I habitually find myself forgetting how comprehensive my God is. And He is.

It is so easy to place our loving God in a box, is it not? It’s so easy to give Him limitations based off of our limited minds. It is simple to say that God handles situations like this in this way. And situations like that, He treats that way.

We often put Him in a box so that we can feel that we understand Him. So that we feel like we know what He is doing. But is that right? Do we really know what He is doing?

God, our Father in Heaven, Savior to those who accept Him, has many names. Jehovah. Adonai. Yahweh. Judge. Shepherd. Stone. I am. Christ. Alpha and Omega. Life Giver. Governor. Priest. These are only a few. The Almighty Lord, Creator of the earth has many faces. Many characteristics.

Romans 1:8 . . . “I am the Alpha and Omega,” says the Lord God, “who is, who was, and who is to come, the Almighty.”

Is it fair to say that this God with so many faces, this God from beginning to end, this God who has the power to appear, communicate, and love in so many different ways, is it fair to say He will only do things one way? A certain way? The way we expect Him to?

There are many people who have seen the Lord work miraculously and heal someone’s physical body instantly. Others have watched their husbands, wives, grandparents, children, and friends sit in a hospital, sick or in pain, for months at a time before the Lord brings healing. Still others have watched their love ones suffer until death.

Is that to say those whose loved ones sat in a hospital do not believe the Lord can heal instantly? No.

Is that to say the Lord loves some people more than others? No.

It’s to say the Lord chose to do things differently. According to His perfect plan. Working all things together for the good of those who love Him [Rom. 8:28].

God designed women to conceive children through intercourse, yet He sent His own Son through a virgin.

Matthew 1:23 . . . "The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel"—which means, "God with us."

He chose to do things differently. In order for His perfect plan to play out, for the good of those who love Him, he chose to do things differently.

God’s Son is Christ, a King. Even throughout the Bible kings over nations were born with riches, adorned in gold and silver, lived in palaces . . . but Christ, a King, The King, God’s one and only Son, was born in a stable, to parents who were told that there was no room for them in the inn. Was that royal treatment?

God sometimes chooses to do things differently. Very differently.

There is a degree of mystery which embodies the Lord that we must accept in order to remove Him from the box which we have created. The box we have placed Him in. The box that puts us in control.

We must begin to break down this box in order to truly experience an intimate and genuine relationship with our Lord.

Do you know my mother? Most likely not. If you don’t, she is a stranger to you. If you do, you may know her well or you may have only met once. If you know her well, she is your friend. If you have only met once, you are acquaintances. But for me, she is my mother. She is one of my best friends.

My relationship with her differs from yours. And I imagine my father, her husband of nearly 26 years, has a very different relationship with her than either of us does.

Does that change who my mother is? Not at all. We each experience a different relationship with her. We all see different sides of her, different characteristics. This doesn’t mean that my mother is a chameleon and chooses to be different around you than she chooses to be with me. She may be shy around you because that is her personality around strangers. But if you know her better, you would not expect her to be shy . . . in the least bit.

Our relationships with her are different.

Our relationships with the Lord are different as well. This doesn’t change who our God is, but only how we experience Him. You may have known him well, ever since your childhood fifty years ago. But I was saved as a child and I have only truly known Him and experienced a relationship with Him for the past 4-5 years.

He may be a Father to you, because yours isn’t around. He may be your best friend because you struggle socially. He could be someone whose existence you struggle to admit to at times. A relationship with Him could be a chore, or something your parents, friends, or spouse has pushed, or even forced upon you.

Does this change who He is? No. We each experience a different relationship with Him. We all see different sides of Him, different characteristics.

Once again, this is not to say our God changes.

Malachi 3:6 . . . “For I am the Lord, I do not change.”

Instead, He has the power to be a Father to the fatherless [Psalm 68:5], a closer Friend than a brother [Proverbs 18:24], and a righteous Judge [2 Timothy 4:8]. He is still God.

There are two chief reasons for our placing God in a box.

One. We want control.

Two. We have expectations.

These reasons work hand in hand at destroying the opportunity we are given to experience true intimacy with Christ our Lord.

Control says God can’t.

Expectations limit His power.

There is a vastness to our Savior which is to be taken a hold of. A mystery, a wonder, which we are to embrace.

Psalm 48:1 . . . Great is the Lord, and most worthy of praise.

Rob Bell, a pastor and major inspiration of mine, wrote in his book Velvet Elvis, “If there is a divine being who made everything, including us, what would our experiences with this being look like? The moment God is figured out with nice neat lines and definitions, we are no longer dealing with God. We are dealing with somebody we made up. And if we made him up, then we are in control.”

Everything we come in contact with has boundaries. Purposes. Definitions. Limitations.

Except for the Almighty.

Why is it that we insist upon giving Him boundaries?

Why is it that we feel the need to list His purposes?

Why is it that people demand a definite answer for anything spiritual?

Why must we give the Lord a limit to His power?

The answer is that limitations and boundaries are all we as humans know. They are all we can understand. People spend their entire lives working to improve their knowledge about different things, hoping to finally reach a place where there is nothing else to learn.

You will not ever get there.

That may be a new and humbling thought for you. Though, it may be something you’re completely aware of. If you’re aware of it, do you live like it?

Control.

Some of us are “control freaks” by nature. The type of people who are always heading up projects, whether they are asked to or not. Then there are the type of people who take control by dominating over others in conversation. There are the control freaks who are OCD about how a room looks when company is coming over. I know I’m guilty of each of these scenarios. And these are only a few.

Did you know that people who are not control freaks by nature are still control freaks when it comes to their relationships with others and with Christ as well?

Take a look at the most shy person you know. You wont ever see them dominating a conversation, or intimidating others by how much they can get done when they put their mind to it. But what about when you ask them a question about themselves?

Most often the shy people we know are closed off. They give short answers. Why? It’s a defense mechanism. A way of trying staying in control.

They react to Christ the same way they react to you. With a defense mechanism. A way of staying in control.

Letting go of the control you think you have over your life is what you’re doing when you accept Christ. When you “become a Christian” are you not giving your life over to Him? Does it not mean you are no longer your own?

Giving up control, unfortunately, as we well know, doesn’t just happen when we say that precious prayer. Instead, surrender to the Lord is a lifelong, difficult, every-moment-of-every-day process which we will struggle with until the day we see Jesus face to face.

That does not mean we should give up. This battle is one we must choose to fight. If we are to love the Father, embrace His multifacetness, and live a life of intimacy with Him, a heart that gives up control is necessary.

In order to relinquish control in your life, and hand it over to the Father, control isn’t the only thing you must let go of.

Expectations.

Next to having a need for control in life, the other thing that stuffs the Lord into a box, making Him into something not God at all are the expectations we hold.

We possess high expectations which we do not even realize that we have. We have expectations of ourselves. We have expectations of others. We have expectations of material things. And we have expectations of God. Whether these expectations of God are right or wrong depends what we’re expecting of Him. But the expectations that put Him in a box are those that cut Him short. Those that limit Him to only what we can imagine.

That is where the circle is completed.

We place God in a box ->

Why? ->

We need control ->

We have expectations ->

Where does God remain? ->

The box.

We must tear down the box which we have placed Him in. There will ne no understanding of grace, no growth or change without stepping back and letting God be God.

i keep thinking about what i deserve.

2008-08-10T23:50:00.000-07:00

it's just hit me. now. here. in this mess. at age 19. what am i saved from? the list of sin is endless. but ultimately, hell. i hate hell. i hate when Christians talk about hell. i hate how it's used as a "fear factor." OH! IF I'M SAVED, I WONT GO TO HELL! YEAH! no. no matter what is next, after this life, it doesn't change how i live now. that has been my perspective. but maybe it does. maybe the fact that it has just hit me, IS going to change how i live.

i deserve hell.

and CHRIST took the shame. the blame. the pain. and because of my God's amazing grace...this "hell" here on earth is the worst i'll experience. i will never be without Christ. i will never experience separation from God. do -you- realize how freeing that is?

i've been breaking. again. as always. that's what growth is i suppose...well, that's what growth is. i know it. being broken, and being rebuilt, stronger, for one simple thing: my God's glory.

i have to be honest. i have never felt so alone as i have in these past couple of days. whether self-inflicted, or inflicted by others, i've been trapped. it took this misery tonight to remind me of Truth. i've been in tears for hours. my heart has been breaking. ive been in pain. i've felt like a failure. i've felt lost. i felt alone. then there is the whisper.

if i can find His strength, in my weakness, then His glory is accomplished. is that not my purpose?

so a couple things have clicked in my mind. but i'm still in a struggle. i'm in a mess. this world is a mess. my life, is a terrible mess. that's what i make of it. but He sees the beauty, and i'm learning to. it's easy to see at times, but can i see it in the little glory of the present? can i find joy and beauty in this horrid mess i'm trapped in currently? if He can, i can, IN HIM.

the Lord's divine nature has been given to me.
the LORD'S divine nature has been given to ME!

it can be hard to feel so small. yet so freeing. i am nothing. i am nothing without Him. but i have Him! and HE HAS SAVED ME!

If my God is for me, who can be against me?
that, my friends, is the question.

and today.

2008-07-25T08:30:00.000-07:00

the morning after.
you know the morning after you have had a melt down the night before, and your body just seems heavy, and your nose stuffy [maybe thats just cause my cold hasn't left me...]. you feel at peace and wonder how all that could have taken advantage of your emotions like that. that's how i feel at least. but at the same time could break right back down. at any moment. being weak is a blessing. being broken, a learning experience. complete dependance on the only One who can be depended on. that's where i'm at.

it's nice to have someone praying.

it's nice to have Christ interceding, at the right hand of the Father.

it's nice to be hungry, so, i'll eat.

it's nice to say good-bye.

bleh...

2008-07-19T16:11:00.001-07:00

i feel like i'm drowning in mucus. literally. i can't lay down, or i'll die from being unable to breathe. and my EARS have been clogged all day long. my chest is stiff and sore and fills rather full. so, it's simple a matter of time. oh well.

i'm on my new bunk bed. heat certainly rises. i don't know how this is going to work for the rest of the summer...it was real hot next to [which door is that one beth??] but up here it's multiplied.

lt was fantastic. i know people were praying. i only had 2 migraines!! praise Jesus!! and some lives are syarting a turn around, and continued growth is my prayer. i'm praying about leading a small group.

that's it.
i may sound unhappy. but i'm not.

what am i supposed to say?

2008-07-07T19:44:00.000-07:00

really, i have a lack of words. my God is so big. so great. so faithful. i've been so encouraged in my discouragment. i told Him, "God, save me, or I'll be like those who go into the pit," and He has. He does. every day.

i'm really learning that i'm never going to get -through- this. it's a day by day, it's life. and every day, my Lord will be with me, every step of the way. and He speaks, through people, through situation, SO INTIMATELY through His Word.

there is nothing like the Holy Word of God. His scriptures are the bread of life. it's reality.

that's it.

add+ver+tise.

2008-05-19T22:02:00.000-07:00

how about you check me out?
www.ooohemily.etsy.com

faith.

2008-04-28T09:48:00.000-07:00

In the past couple of weeks it’s been hard for me to stay in the Word and I’ve seen a dramatic change in who I am. I’m facing tremendous struggle right now, but our Father is so faithful. The moment I choose to open my Bible, and literally open my eyes to truth, the Lord has brought renewal and refreshment beyond what I could have imagined. There is a lot going on right now in my life, and emotionally I’m struggling to handle it. While I know in my heart and my head of the Lord’s strength, and His perfect plan for me, Satan is still trying to grab a hold of me. I was real encouraged a few minutes ago by Psalm 103:1-5, and I just really wanted to share it with each of you. You’re in my prayers, and I pray that you’re choosing to be refreshed by the Lord’s truth through His Word daily, for it is sustenance. His Word is the bread of life, and it’s truly the only thing to “eat” and be filled.

Psalm 103:1-5 . . . Praise the Lord, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise His holy name. Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits- who forgive all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

It’s my inmost being that’s facing struggle; it’s my inmost being that needs renewal from the inside out, that needs to cry out to Jesus and praise His name. Psalm 103 encouraged me, PRAISE THE LORD, O MY SOUL; ALL MY INMOST BEING, PRAISE HIS HOLY NAME. That’s my prayer. I forget that I’m forgiven; I forget that He will heal me, and I forget the times before when He has redeemed my life from the pit. I’m in a pit right now, but He is crowning me with love and compassion. He is renewing me like the eagle.

Those who hope [or wait, depending on translation] in the Lord will renew their strength, the will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not be faint. –Isaiah 40:31

I hope you’re feeling renewed today!

what happens?

2008-04-24T21:19:00.000-07:00

once you're no longer you.
once upon a time. no vulnerability, and no honesty. you convince me to convince you. it'll never been known. there is a feeling of terror like never before. being in limbo is like hanging without a broken neck. you see what's coming, and you can do nothing but wait.
"this is where i say i've had enough, no one should ever feel the way that i feel now. a walking open wound, a trophy display of bruises, and i don't believe that i'm getting any better. any better" -dashboard, oh emo.
it'll never be known.
that's dismay. it's discouragement. its without courage. without faith. it's me, so little, and full of unbelief.
your pride wont help. your sympathy, even worse. i don't want you to care. i need prevention. she says intervention.
this isn't where i'll be much longer. that's the vow. there goes now.

Jesus meets me where i'm at.

.my life

2008-04-10T19:25:00.000-07:00

.sdrawkcab

.it's all over the place
.way up
.way down
.mostly i'm just learning
.breaking
.relying
.its beautiful
.He's beautiful

.i don't really know what to say
.i'm changing
.but i'm nothing

?is that my life

what now?

2008-03-27T18:02:00.001-07:00

there is so much more.
i don't feel like i spend my time the way i want to.
that's something i think about on my way hom from work every evening.

how do you spend your time?

would you want to read more?

2008-03-07T10:28:00.001-08:00

Grandpa had that “old man” way of talking. You know, with the mumbly-grumbly sound. Almost like his mouth was full, and his throat was scratchy, but the thing was, they weren’t. It was the same sound you hear emitted out of the mouth of most old men. Whether they’re the pleasant kind, or the old grumps who are devastated they no longer have a sex-drive.

Grandma on the other hand still had that sweet young tone in her voice. Sometimes I could swear she could get as high a tone out of her as the tweens walking through the mall gasping at the on sale, one-hundred dollar pants from “Abercrombie” or something like that.

And that’s what I remembered. As I lay there in bed, now an orphan. Their voices. Mom and dad had been gone my entire life, but Grandpa, he had been daddy. And Grandma, more of a mother than I could ever ask for. And now, at twenty years old, I was finally on my own. Of course, you expect older people to die. And I knew the time would come. But now it was me, me and that blasted dog I was forced to call my best friend. Without his comforting fur, I would be completely, and, well, utterly alone.

i work at a bank.

2008-03-06T10:16:00.000-08:00

therefore.
i've been eating a lot of lollypops.
we serve dum dums.
today, it's pink lemonade.
honestly, it reminds me of the summertime.
kroger pink lemonade at the pool.
my tan friends, my white self.
i'm so excited about summer.
before, i wasn't.
because i'll be working all day.
but i'm stoked about getting off work and jumping in the pool.
and i'm stoked about wearing tank tops.
and i'm stoked about stopping saying the work stoked.
i'm excited about what's to come.
life looks pretty out there.
it's pretty in here too, actually.

So, Is it completely odd?

2008-03-04T06:45:00.000-08:00

I like Macy Grey.

I'm at work, so this shall be short.

Psalm 68:19 . . . Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens. Selah.

I have a lot of burdens. Lately. Mom thinks that's why my headaches are back. I don't. I used to bear my burdens, but I think I've given them over.

Psalm 68:20 . . . Our God is a God who saves; from the Sovereign Lord comes escape from death.

You check out Psalm 68:32-25 yourself. Praise Him.
This rain is beautiful.

"you're a daughter of the King, my love" -emily hollis

2008-02-27T10:52:00.001-08:00

hey, hey, now.
that makes me a princess.
(:

2008-02-22T07:35:00.000-08:00

don't take the purest thing and taint it.
don't take your dirty hands and touch it.
don't take your willing heart and crush it.

how do you wash your hands of what's grey?

U2- beautiful day.

2008-02-20T06:22:00.000-08:00

"It's a beautiful day
Don't let it get away
It's a beautiful day

Touch me
Take me to that other place
Teach me
I know I'm not a hopeless case"

2008-02-18T10:14:00.000-08:00

psalm 55.22 [the.message]

pile your troubles on God's shoulders-- He'll carry your load, He'll help you out. He'll never let good people topple to ruin.

it was Your grace.

2008-02-13T07:55:00.000-08:00

It was Your grace that drew me to the cross
It was Your grace that gave me faith
It was Your grace that reconciled me to Yourself
Though I had sinned in every way
You disarmed me of everything that I would lean on
So I would lean on You
And You stripped me of everything I would depend on
So I’d depend on You
In You alone my strength is found
In You alone my hope abounds
In You alone my strength is found
My life is bound up in You
And in my weakness give me still more grace
Grace to cast myself on You
In every trial let me find Your peace and joy
And grace to humbly walk with You
O disarm me of everything that I would lean on
So I will lean on You
Jesus, strip me of everything I would depend on
So I’ll depend on You
Give me more grace
Give me more grace
And new mercies every morning
Give me new mercies -SGM

The Lord has repeatedly stripped me of the things that I tend to lean on, simply so that I will lean on Him. He has stripped me of everything I have depended on outside of Him, so that I depend on only Him.
I hope these words are as much of an encouragement to you as they were to me.

praise//worship.

2008-02-11T06:57:00.001-08:00

saturday night a few things hit me. the most imposing, i have to share.

i adore singing praise to my Lord. there is NOTHING that compares to it in my eyes. practicing my eternity, here on earth. because my God is God. and i'm learning what that means.

on saturday night, we had a "worship night" at church for the youth. i took a break from singing. . .so i felt more like a participant than a leader. it was -so- refreshing. without having to hold a mic. . .i could just let loose. sometimes i really just feel i should be in a way charismatic church. . .because when i worship, the Spirit takes hold. . .and i go wack. (: its not quite the same always for the people around me. . .but hey, everyone's worship is different, just as everyone's relationship is different. but it hit me saturday. worshiping through praise and song with the people i love most is a joy to which nothing besides the Lord Himself compares.

having a couple of the people i love most in the room with me as the Spirit was obviously present was -such- a blessing. my brother. my jack. it's something that the Lord calls us to do, together, for His glory, and i just. . .now understand how it glorifies Him. the joy He brings through it is -so- significant it's kept a smile on my face all weekend.

i made a lot of realizations this weekend. my Lord is a King of blessings. it's so humbling to me. because He continues to give. i'm so broken. i'm so lost. i'm so weak. i'm such a sinner. yet His grace is enough. and as i pray that He will glorify Himself in me...through all i do, all i say, every person i interact with...He does it!

what a mighty God we serve.
angels bow before Him.
heaven and earth adore Him.
what a MIGHTY GOD we serve.

psalm47:6: Sing praises to God, sing praises; sing praises to our King, sing praises.

Thanks Shane! And...Shane.

2008-02-08T10:23:00.000-08:00

"And I have found the answer is to love You and be loved by You alone." -Shane & Shane

Love is key.
God is Love.
God's love is unfailing.

Simple truths.

I love you. (:

lent.

2008-02-06T06:39:00.000-08:00

"The purpose of lent is the preparation of the believer-- through prayer, patience, almsgiving and self-denial-- for the annual commemoration of the death and resurrection of Jesus, as celebrated during the Holy Week, which recalls the events linked to the passion of the Christ and culminates in Easter, the celebration of the resurrection of Christ." -Wikipedia.

Lent- As told by Dictionary.com
"An annual season of fasting and penitence in preparation for Easter, beginning on Ash Wednesday and lasting 40 weekdays to Easter."

It was very difficult to decide what to give up for lent this year. Basically because I'm already living on essentials alone. I've settled on a couple of different things. My first thoughts were selfish. What would be good for me to give up? But through prayer and simple realization, it hit me that lent isn't about me. Sure, it may be to prepare me, but for what? His glory.

My church doesn't talk about lent, or encourage it or anything. It's been a personal thing for me through high school and continuing through...now. But prayer and fasting isn't only meant for this 40-day period beginning today and continuing through Easter, my life should be a constant sacrifice, and that is something which the Lord has demanded of me. But you can never give too much to the Lord.

I'm living in pure thankfulness at the moment. Most obvious reason of the moment is I am at work, with this beautifully huge window in front of me, and there is a glorious downpour of my favorite thing coming from Heaven. I wanna say there is nothing better. But there is- and I have it. God's blessings in my life are beyond compare, the greatest things anyone could ask for. I don't deserve it, but I am -so- thankful for the love He is molding in my life.

It's hard to stay thankful. It's hard to keep a thankful heart. Because I'm under attack. This job. This sickness. This pain. But a thankful heart is good medicine, says the Word, and it's so true.

There is a song I used to sing with my family growing up, many of you probably know it. But quite recently it's made a huge impact on my perspective on life. I can't remember all the words, but the line which has impacted me is the following [and it's not the hymn...]

"Count your blessings name them one by one."

But seriously, if you're not in a place of cheer, if you're not living with a thankful heart, it's so simple to begin naming all the things you're thankful for, there should be so many. We're all so blessed.

cherry pie.

2008-02-02T07:48:00.000-08:00

WARNING: this has absolutely nothing to do with cherry pie.

but i did just eat a strawberry cereal bar. they're fab.

Psalm 37:23-24 . . . If the LORD delights in a man's way, He makes his steps firsm; though he stumle, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with His hand.

though i stumble...i will not fall.

same to you.

peace to you.

i've got it.

2008-01-31T12:46:00.000-08:00

this side of heaven.
do we realize the only differece between here and heaven is sin?
is that the evil one dwells in this place?
believe it.

and give imput.

subway x2.

2008-01-31T07:38:00.000-08:00

so, i got it yesterday with my boyfriend.
and i get to today with my best friend.

i'm just such a lucky girl.

i'm getting a little overwhelmed.
you see, with 3 blogs...even a blog-obsesser like myself can't think of too incredibly much to day.

on facebook i write about psalms.
on xanga i write about my heart. to myself usually.
and on here...
aye.
silliness.

this is probably the most boring thing in the world to read.
i'll have to think up something interesting to talk about for you.

i can't believe it.

2008-01-28T11:34:00.000-08:00

i've been looking into art schools.
all day.

SCAD looks the best for painting. And my personality.
I actually found myself on the ksu website though.
-shock-
Seriously, I thought never.
Every time. This is how it happens, every time.
-I- plan something.
-I- say something IS or ISN'T going to happen, and God decides to prove me wrong.
Chreerleading.
Love.
School?
We'll see.

I've been looking at hair schools as well...
but nothing has made my heart jump.
Plus, I want to keep working if at all possible, and I -can't- do that when in hair school.

Aye.
I didn't think I'd be back here.
I can decide to move on in life.
I can be a banker.
I can paint at night, and try to make some money off of it.
I could spend all the money I have, and all the money I don't have.
I could be a grand artist.
I could make millions.
I could do hair.
I could have my own salon.
I could have my own salon/gallery.

I can't.
I can't.
I can't.

*sigh*
distress.

He can.

two lefts dont make a right.

2008-01-25T18:59:00.000-08:00

right??

robin in the hood ya'll.

yeah thats me.

flying through the gghheettoo.

seeing double?? i do in my left eye.

mocha choke-a latte ya ya.

tessa's birthday is in a few hours.

woo.